[maybehank]

i’ve been living with onset and maintenance insomnia for over 20 years. i’d do the math to figure out exactly how long, but i can’t be bothered. not today. some nights are better than others. the best nights, i get about 6 hours of sleep, on average, four. the bad nights… maybe an hour. it’s a cycle. a wave that i ride.
living with insomnia leaves me with a hole in my spirit. the hole questions my other parts — what is your joy? what is your passion? who are you? who do you love? why do you care? do you actually care, or is it contrived? why are you the way that you are? is there some greater purpose for your blurry mind, your empty spirit?
this life feels like—in the words of the narrator—a copy of a copy of a copy. a manuscript that has been stranslated, then translated again, then again, and again. the meaning, the words, the images, the pictures, the memories—they lose clarity. they become fragmented, somehow left with just a hint, a whisper of how it started out. not quite unreal, but missing the details of its essence.
i have tried to sleep. i gave up caffeine, nicotine, alchohol, sugar, gluten, and dairy. i took medicine to help me sleep, i’ve taken antidepressants and antianxiety meds. yoga. weightlifting. running. cold therapy. meditation. my chiropractor helped once. seems like it was a one-and-done thing though. two stiff drinks will help me fall asleep, but nothing helps me stay asleep. some of the sleep meds like lunesta don’t help the onset, and give me a shallow sleep, less restful than a normal night of 4 hours.
i have one friend who also has insomnia. it’s good to hear him validate my feelings, to hear that i’m not crazy. i’m afraid the hallucinations will get more frequent and pervasive, at which point i’ll really question my sanity.

[RavenOfNight]

Hello My Friend !

I am 24 years old and i have been suffering same thing.I’m sorry I can’t answer the question you’ve asked and I guess no one here can answer that because it’s something philosophers have been discussing for a long time even today..

But I can tell you a few things.I can understand how your mind works when you are sleep deprived , At some point you really start to question reality.I remember looking at the ceiling for about 2 hours one night when I was trying to sleep in my bed and asking questions like “What is happening to me? Why am I here? What am I doing? What am I doing wrong? Is there really a right or wrong?” I remember again, one day I was without sleep for 33 hours and for the first time in my life I took a sleeping pill that day, I slept for about 16 hours. When I woke up, it was like I was officially gone from the world for 16 hours and I asked these types of questions again.Considering that many scientist , artists and politicians actually sleep less,than 6 hours I think this is a normal thing.

Did you know that Mozart only slept 4 hours? In another source, I heard that Tesla lived on only 2 hours of sleep for many years.I don’t even want to talk about the man who broke the world record without sleeping for 12 days. I can hear the some doctors yelling at me right now “No , you should sleep 8 hours ! Every day.” I don’t know if these doctors are telling the truth or lying but all I know and try to explain is that we humans somehow manage to adapt.

Every week there is a bad night.The next week i am trying to fix my messy sleep schedule because of that one night and a week later it breaks down again.Sometimes I can be very depressed because of this but somehow I live, I’m still here. I’m adapting.Whatever happens and no matter how hard it is, we somehow manage to continue and we get used to this difficult situation.

Now you can turn to me and say, “I’ve been suffering this for 20 years and I still can’t get used to it.”Despite going through this for 20 years, you somehow managed to come here , today. Also remember the night you had that insomania first time.When you were so scared and didn’t know what to do and look at your bad night having right now, Did you see the difference ? I’m sure you’re coping much more successfully than your first night.

I can’t tell you this will pass because man , i really don’t know but I can tell you that you will manage to deal with this situation somehow.Maybe by getting rid of it , maybe by not getting rid of it at all, by continuing to live with it somehow.Other than you ,me and this forum, there are people who are worse off than that. I’m talking about people who have lost their limbs, people who live with machines in sickness.These people somehow manage to live, right? Somehow they manage to return to their former health. Even if they fail, they somehow manage to live by trying different methods. There are people who continue their lives with the deadliest and most dangerous diseases.Even the unfortunate ones who lost their lives try to live. It is their body that does not allow them, not themselves.Because it is within us, to adapt.That’s why we are the most advanced creature on earth today.Don’t you believe me ? Open your window and look outside. See for yourself where we came from.

Do you only sleep 4 hours a day? Can’t you go back to sleep when you wake up? Will this situation ever get better? Will it always continue? I don’t know ! but you will manage to live and somehow you will move on. You are human! It’s in your DNA!

Trust me, you will succeed with your own way. I wish you good luck on this journey, my friend. Stay well.

[hiker]

Hi, maybehank, I can definitely relate to what you are saying, and RavenOfNight as well.

I am going to try to tread softly here because a lot of people I know really get their backs up to any reference to God, or Supreme Being, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, whatever name works or doesn’t work for you. And I can’t say I blame them, what with all the evil people have done while holding the Bible or the Koran or etc etc.

I will just tell you what happened to me one time, and you can take it for whatever you think it is worth.

I dealt with insomnia for 40+ years (doesn’t mean yours will go that long, I had huge childhood trauma, years of therapy, etc. etc.) Anyway, one time about 25 years into it, I woke up early after yet another lousy night of bad sleep. I was on vacation, in Maui, where everything is supposed to be wonderful, right? So I get up and am staring at my shoes and I don’t have the energy to deal with tying my shoelaces. And for the umpteenth time, I wished I was dead. Then I prayed for the strength to tie one of my shoes. Not both, just one shoe. Sort of like the AA motto, I guess–just for today, I will not drink—just for this moment, give me the strength to tie my shoelace on my left shoe.

Everything was not peachy after that. I had plenty of crappy nights for years after that. I still have some crappy nights; nobody sleeps great every night. It’s just about slogging through as best we can.

I know I eventually got the strength, with a similar prayer, to do the right shoe. But at the time, that was not in the picture. It was just about getting through the moment of dealing with my left shoe. Maybe like RavenOfNight alluded to, you have gotten through moment by moment as well.

Finally, you are not crazy. And I know it feels like it. Maybe there is something in realizing, “I am having the thought that I am going crazy and that I can’t take this anymore.” This is radically different from, “I am going crazy and I can’t take this anymore.” If you are having trouble seeing the difference at this moment, I submit it’s the insomnia talking.

I think we are survivors, doing pretty damn well in tough situations.

[Author]

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