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Hi Teddy,
what a cute post! 🙂
I had just logged on to write that I've now entered the “dismal, depressed, anxious, crying” phase of my sleeplessness, but now I'm having to smile despite myself cos you've described that in such a lovely way!
I feel a bit daft now, if I ramble on about my “misery”… I guess I just had this giant wave of emotion gush over me of “I am so tired, there is so much I didn't get done (yet again) and tomorrow I will be even tireder and get even less done…” – I guess it's called catastrophising… and sleeplessness is sure something that often triggers that in me.
I'm stuck in a really stupid place insomnia-wise now – I'm too awake to sleep, yet too badly tired to get up and do *anything* (I think – or is that me feeling sorry for myself?) But seriously, I think if I was to go into the kitchen, for example, I would lie down on the floor and cry.
On a positive note, this forum is giving me the chance to truly “sit with” my insomnia. I've never been able to carry that off, all by myself so far. So this is a great help. It's interesting (for me, at least!) to note the different phases I'm going through with it, for example… I can identify them as such at the moment, whereas in the past it's just felt like an emotional rollercoaster with me hanging on for dear life and trying not to puke, so to say…
Ugh, don't really know what is the point of posting this, except that it has helped to make my panicky moment pass (tho probably more thanks to Teddy's cute post…)
And then, yesterday, as I couldn't sleep and was trying to analyse why not, I noticed that it may have something to do with my being somewhat of a control-freak sometimes…
What I don't like is going to bed at night, feeling relatively composed, clear-headed, focused etc… and then waking up, say 8 hours later, a confused, groggy, dazed, mumbling, disoriented mess, who can't focus, work out what to do, or how to feel.
I HATE that change happening…
And I guess that in the evenings, I feel so “together” because I've been practising self-control all day, concentrating, focussing…
And at night, all that self-control just “lets go”, it disappears and I turn into this vague notion, someone with all the bizarre and elusive notions contained in our dreams, a conglomerate of instincts, feelings, random thoughts…
And in the mornings I feel like my “personality” has exploded over night and I have to pick up all the little bits and pieces and stick myself back together again, like a little puzzle to be solved each morning. It takes me at least til noon every day, to have truly regained a sense of identity, focus and purpose…
So yesterday, realising that it freaked me out that a spell of sleep has such a “changing” affect on me, I was trying to come up with a more comforting metaphor for sleep for myself…
And I came up with a “sleep train”… Basically a train with those sleeper waggons (alongside normal waggons and a restaurant car) that you can sleep in on long night journeys, if you've booked one (which I have done, in the past, they are quite cool).
And I've decided that this train (for whatever reason) does a round-trip each night.
At 8pm it's check in time and you need to do things like check in your luggage etc.
Then, the train leaves at 10pm and you can do whatever you want – sleep in the bunk in your cabin or stay up in the sitting waggons or in the restaurant car all night, or half the night…
And this train does it's round trip and pulls back into the same station it started from in the morning.
And this time window, where the train is doing it's journey – that is my “potential sleep time”… if I decide to squander it by staying up and reading a book in the restaurant car – well, that is my decision – but it doesn't mean the train's journey gets extended, so as to allow me to catch up on some extra sleep.
If I spend the whole journey awake, then that's my tough luck.
I like the concept of this sleep train, because for me, like for many insomniacs, the bed and bedroom have become anxiety-frought and connected with the pressure of “having to sleep”… I find it so much easier to sleep in “alternative” places like a sofa/ couch…
So sleeping in a sleeper train is like one of those “exceptions”. And I also like the idea of it having a sort of “room service” – of having crisp hotel-style sheets made up on the bed by a porter or maid and just being able to slip into this neutral, comfy bed and know that I have no responsibilities to see to on this train, I am just a paying customer and I can zone out, cos there's nothing I can “do” until the train reaches my home town again in the morning…
Okay, I have now officially passed into the “babbling idiot” phase of this bout of insomnia… Inane outpourings are my specialty right now….
Although I've been brutally tired all day, I'm now (almost) wide awake again, at 11:40 pm, at bed time…
First of all, I want to tell you that I named my Insomnia a few years ago. She is called Scrumble. And I decided she looks like a Muppet.
This is her:
I'm getting bleary now…
But I managed to get through the whole day without a nap…!
Thanks to being part of this forum, I can now view that as the accomplishment that it is…!
I don't have to compare myself to non-insomniac friends who think that “staying awake an entire day” is so normal that it's not worthy of comment…
It's 8:30 pm here now and a friend is planning to drop by in about half an hour. Not sure how I can summon the energy to have a good time with her… Thankfully she's only popping round for a quick visit, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind if she ended up cancelling… Which is such a shame, because I've not seen her in a few weeks and was really looking forward to seeing her again. Damned insomnia!!
Ooh, my boyfriend's just come home… more chatting to do!
Cool thanks 🙂
I'm not really expecting a “cure” for it, I guess.
Even an improvement of 50% would be a good result… and I do think that that is a feasible target to reach…
Hi Martin,
sure, I'm happy to start a thread re Bio/ Neurofeedback.
I'll have to add the details/ a description of it later, as I am so low on sleep today that I can't think straight enough to explain it!! 😮
Look forward to getting to know you and the other members here too!
XXX
Groggy
Sorry, that should have read “that you have suffered (ie in the past) or do suffer (still) from insomnia…”
So tired I can't write proper sentences…. 😮
Hi Martin,
thank you!
I fully agree re the daytime naps – and I am working on them. I really hope this journal and the lovely atmosphere and support from fellow insomniacs here will help motivate me to really focus on my insomnia and to overcome as much of it as possible.
If I understood the info here correctly, you too have/ do suffer from insomnia. Do you find that people with a long history of insomnia like myself (28 years now) are able to change their sleeping patterns and overcome their insomnia, at least in part?
Or is it something that will always accompany you to some degree and you learn to manage it better and sort of keep it controlled – I guess similar to how a diabetic would maintain their blood sugar levels?
Thanks for the feedback!
🙂
Groggy
Oh crap.
Met a friend on the way home and we had a L. Macchiato with double Espresso (me to try and stay awake) and now I'm all shaky and my heart is racing… Coffee overdose…. 😮
The things we insomniacs do….
Wow, Ted (Shall I call you Teddy??) (Ted sounds so male, and with ovarian issues, I'm assuming you're not! 🙂 )
Your day sounds great – like you are looking after yourself really well. A huge “Well done!”
I've just come back from sport, which was totally invigorating…
Gotta dash off to my next appointment….
Bye!
Groggy
🙂 Tired Ted
…. 10:30am – I'm doing well. I have gotten a good part of my work done already – quicker and easier than I thought/ had feared…
I feel a bit like my day is like some sort of army manouevre/ mission … like I am making a plan of action as to how to survive out there, in the crossfire, to focus on my objectives and to go, go, go!!
(Which is weird, because I am very much a pacifist and not a fan of military stuff…! (Just to set that straight…!))
But yeah, I really do feel a bit like a soldier in the trenches… trying to focus on staying alive and not to let morale slip… haha…
I have hit a bit of a tired patch at the moment (which is why I'm posting here)… and not entirely sure where to go with it… Maybe I'll go and splash some more cold water in my face… I managed to do so this morning, first thing after I got up – without getting sooky about it at all, haha!
Not sure what to do next… my exercises? Have my (late) breakfast/ brunch? (A bowl of porridge with banana) Have 5 mins of rest?
Right… I'm gonna do 5 mins of rest, then my exercise DVD to be rounded of by brunch with a cup of herbal tea…
Plan of operation all set up, soldier!!
:wacko:
Good morning Tired Ted!! 🙂
Thanks for your post – that's so sweet!
I understand your comment about not apologising to everyone. It's not really how I want to be acting either – I think I'm usually more confident and assertive than that – it's just that my insomniac irritability and desire to cry/ yell scares me a bit!!
How lovely that you design your wedding cake when you wake up!! That is such a soothing, creative thing to do 🙂
And well done on not getting upset about waking up – that sounds like good progress!!
Well, I hope we both and all other insomniacs here on this forum and out there in the rest of the world have a good day, without too many bouts of tiredness or exhaustion.
And I have to say, reading a message from a fellow-insomniac first thing in the morning and feeling that someone understands and relates what a challenge the night has been and what a challenge the day will be – that is sooooo lovely!! How gorgeous to know someone understands exactly how it feels… What a wonderful change to feeling you are misunderstood by and need to justify yourself to all those normal sleepers around you 😉
Wishing you all an easy day and the power to deal with it well!
Groggy
Well, I ended up falling asleep at just before 5am. Just woke up now, at 8:20am by myself, without the alarm going off. (Which is good.)
I feel relatively rested, after 3.5 hours of sleep (but I know I'll be pretty tired during the rest of the day).
I guess it's time to get up and have a coffee, before I get too snuggly and comfy under the covers…
Oh dear. The computer display says it's 3:42am. Can't type very well.
Doesn't look like I'll be getting much sleep tonight.
I'm wondering what I can do to help myself cope tomorrow?
Have some coffee, obviously. But what else?
So, I'm getting up at 9:00 and need to do some work from home til noon, when I'm doing an hour's sport class. Then more work from home, a 1hr appt at 3pm, then meeting a friend at 4pm to help her with her accounting.
How am I going to manage to be semi-productive from 9am til noon, without falling asleep or without feeling 100% miserable?
Cos right now, insomnia feels less like a sleep problem to me, and more like an (a)wake problem…
I am going to feel like crying (and probably yelling) all day tomorrow. (That sounds awful!! – How do I make it a worthwhile day in my life?!)
I'm trying to think of “nice & caring” things to do for myself to get me through the day, that won't just irritate or annoy me.
I guess drinking lots of cups of herbal tea. Trying to enjoy a nice shower – or even a bath, maybe. Maybe do my new favourite exercise DVD to wake myself up a bit. Have a yummy breakfast. Dress extra-warm (I freeze really easily when tired/ sleepless.) Post here, I guess, if I'm feeling really alone and frustrated with the tiredness issue. I'm also wondering whether I can do 5 minute rests with eyes closed (or will I just not get up again and accidentally fall asleep? – I mean I could set the timer on my mobile phone…) Listen to some soothing music while I work. Use my spiky massage ball to massage my aching hands and feet (my muscles get tense and sore when I'm over-tired). Try splashing some cold water in my face??? (Tho I suspect I'm going to HATE that – will feel like additional torture to poor, tired me…)
Okay, gonna try and catch some of that elusive sleep…
G
