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Hi Jen72, I am hoping you can locate a medical professional you can trust and talk to. Someone who will listen as you describe the anger in more detail, and who also can give a full exam to put your mind at ease about toxic chemicals. I think it is unlikely that you have sustained any sort of permanent damage, but let someone check you out. I am certainly glad that you did not puncture the can near an open flame, if I am reading this correctly.
Not sleeping can lead us to think all sorts of stuff and sometimes even act on those thoughts. Please know you are not alone when it comes to feeling really scrambled by insomnia.
Hi Erica, I can relate to your frustration and your wanting to solve the problem with a technique. The last thing I wanted to hear was “oh, don’t worry, just relax,” because it sounded so simplistic—especially coming from someone who sleeps fine. They just don’t understand what it’s like, right?
I dealt with insomnia for many years (doesn’t mean you will, there was lots of trauma to deal with, etc etc.). My point is only that I have been there. And it is only natural to want to find a method, a technique, to solve it. At least it seems that way where I am, in the USA where a lot of Americans have a “can do” attitude in their DNA–a good thing when it comes to planning a building project, or how to finance a mortgage, even dealing with specific, definable health problems where you fix something, like setting a broken leg.
Lots of doctors are more like medical engineers–good at specific, definable but in the emotional realm, not so helpful and sometimes downright unhelpful. Many will prescribe sleep meds, which can work short term, until you build up a tolerance. And then you can move on to the next drug, which might work for a while, or maybe not.
Unfortunately it does not work so well when ….I don’t know, a natural process is involved. Sleeping is like breathing. You don’t plan and then employ a technique for breathing. The body breathes itself just fine (unless you have a specific, medical problem to address, such as oxygen deficiency). “Sleep just happens” sounds simplistic, but you might have noticed times when you weren’t trying to sleep and yet you find yourself dozing off.
Everyone has their own journey, but for me, what worked best was mindfulness meditation, where I learned to live in the moment—and also prayer, for the strength to get through the moment, if it was a really bad one.
One thing I know for sure: you are not condemned to a lifetime of insomnia, even though it can feel that way when you are too tired to think straight.
Hi Inga, sorry to hear it has been a rough time this year for you.
I am not a long Covid researcher, and I have to think even they would concede there is much still to learn about it. But fortunately the brain fog is starting to diminish for you.
I can speak to insomnia, and I know that a stressful event (e.g. getting Covid, especially long Covid) can trigger insomnia, which can hang around long after the stressful event has subsided. It can take on a life of its own. How does this happen?
For me, I found that the more I thought about it, the more entrenched it became. This would lead to another thought, along the lines of: “Great, so I am supposed to just not think about it?” and I would resent people’s simplistic, “positive,” i.e. relentlessly upbeat false cheer.
What I found over time was that thoughts just pop into our heads wherever, whenever, pretty much out of nowhere. And I eventually learned to just watch them come and go, sometimes saying to myself, “I am having some pretty lousy thoughts right now,” and simply acknowledging that “I haven’t slept well for quite a while and I am really tired.” This might sound like wallowing in misery, but what I’m trying to get at it is just observing what’s happening. And if you can let the thoughts drift, I think you will find that they do not last indefinitely, unless you decide to hold onto them.
I wanted to solve insomnia, the way you try to figure out how to assemble a piece of furniture or whatever. You can’t just let go and the piece of furniture will assemble itself, but letting go of anxiety about insomnia is the answer.
But this gets right back to sounding simplistic: how in the hell are you supposed to “let go”—- but this is getting back into the mode of trying to think your way to a solution.
Mindfulness is sort of a fad right now, but if you can sweep aside the hype, at least I found there is a reason it has been around for 3,000 years. It can take some searching to find something that resonates for you, but you might want to check out the likes of mindfulness northwest.com or palousemindfulness.com
And try to give yourself a break. It is really hard to think straight when you’re exhausted, and like I say, if you can just observe your thoughts drifting by like branches or leaves on a stream…
Take care, you are not alone in this.
Hello, fellow lifelong insomniac. I am 71, and started having trouble sleeping when I was 27. Lots of reasons, lots of issues to work through…..
For me, the biggest help getting the strength to get through the next moment has been prayer. And the biggest help for addressing the insomnia itself has been CBT. I haven’t taken Martin’s course, but it looks similar to techniques I used before I found this website. And I can tell you emphatically that you aren’t too old to do it.
What I discovered is how much our thoughts can run the show, and how much weight we can give them, when actually they are just any thoughts which happen to pop into our heads. For example, it sounds like you are feeling like you are too old to heal. I am not discounting your feeling this way; no doubt it is a strong feeling. But consider whether we tend to see feelings as the be-all and end-all: if this is the way I feel, it must be the way things are.
Instead, how about this: that feeling that “I am too old to heal” is not the same as an objective fact, such as gravity. If you drop something, it will fall to the ground, regardless how you feel about it.
“I’m having the thought that I am too old to heal” is vastly different from “I am too old to heal.” That you feel you are too old does not make it so, even though you feel strongly. And “I am too old to heal” does not rank up there with gravity as an objective fact.
Sorry if this sounds esoteric or whatever, again, I’m 71, and I got better. One last thing—and when I don’t sleep well now and then I have to try to remind myself—it is hard to think straight when you are really hammered from insomnia. For me, that’s when feelings seem all-powerful, where they must be true (even though they’re not).
Take care, and I hope you stick with this website and program.
Hi GaryK, wow, it sounds like you are really going through the mill right now.
If you are not testing positive for Covid, I would hazard a guess that you may feel that you’re having a reaction to the vaccine you got last year. I haven’t heard of any side effects persisting that long—however, this is not to minimize at all your feeling that it might be a factor.
I found that when I was hammered from insomnia, that I would think and feel all sorts of things. This can happen even when rested, but I found that exhaustion could really mess with my head. I can totally relate to seriously considering suicide. I think it is a good sign that you are upfront about it. I hope only that you keep trying to get help, even though it sounds like it has been really frustrating. It might help just to acknowledge that you are going through it, you are really tired, but you know what, I’m just going to do the best I can.
If only there was a medication that would guarantee good, consistent sleep. I tried a couple dozen or so. If there were, there would be people lined up for miles/km. And as for an operating room type drug, unfortunately that is not the answer either. I think that led to Michael Jackson’s demise.
I hope you stick with this website. Martin has a lot of material which covers how we react to insomnia, sometimes giving it power over our lives. This is not to deny that insomnia is really tough to deal with. But for what it’s worth, I found that I did somewhat better when I could just say to myself, “OK, I’m tired.” And then, just dealing with the next moment. Not the next five minutes, the next nanosecond.
And when I sometimes thought I could not handle it anymore, I eventually learned there is a huge difference between:
1. I cannot handle this anymore, I am going to kill myself; and
2. I’m having the thought that I can’t handle this anymore. I’m having the thought I am going to kill myself.
Take care, you are definitely not alone in this.
Lots of good comments here. I would add only that some sleep meds you can quit right now with no side effects, others you need to taper. I have found pharmacists to be the best source: they know the half-life of various meds and can tell you in a brief phone call.
Hi Amanda, I am sorry that you are having such a tough time.
It can be so hard to think straight when we’re hammered by insomnia. Still, I see a lot of solid advice in the posts you have received. I know when I am really tired, it can be hard to slow my brain down to where I can actually read and absorb what people are telling me. I hope you can go back and read them again, just taking your time and not putting more pressure on yourself.
I would add one point. If I am reading between the lines correctly, it sounds like you get off a sleep schedule sometimes with partying. Sorry if I am off base here–disregard if I have this wrong. But if you are drinking a fair amount, especially late at night, it is a surefire way to botch up your sleep. I know from experience that while drinking definitely helps in the short run, it gets shorter and shorter.
Finally, you have written more than once that you don’t feel you can take it anymore. I totally get it, and I gave suicide a lot of consideration as a way out. If you are, calling a crisis line is a good plan. Google Crisis Line and it may take a little bit of rerouting, but you will find you are not alone in this. I used to work on one, and I think there is a new access number: 988. In any event, trust me on one point: these are people who want very much to talk with you, and you can be very candid and not worry about whether they can handle it. They can.
Like Scott says, setbacks can be disheartening. Unfortunately they seem to be part of the process. But no matter how bad it has gotten, you are not condemned to poor sleep forever. I know it can feel that way, but feelings are often not a very good barometer of the way things are. Yes, they are strong and so they seem convincing, but again, this can be the insomnia talking, things get so distorted.
I hope you can stick with this forum. Take care.
HI Kjonestx, well, the message I was typing to you sort of vanished, so let’s try again….
I used to think that we are at the mercy of whatever thought pops into our heads. I learned that we can hang back a bit and observe our thoughts, as if they are floating by on the river, rather than falling into the river and getting tossed about. And not to put so much stock in feelings, which I know seems counter-intuitive: as you say, “it feels like it is,” i.e. that insomnia is going to harm me.
1. I’m having the thought that I will never get over this; or
2. I will never get over this.There is a huge difference between 1 and 2, granted it can be hard to think straight and see it when you are really hammered from not sleeping. Maybe come back to it later…..
Take care, you are not alone.
Hi Awake, I did not take Martin’s CBT course, but I did go through a similar therapy program. Martin hits all the salient points.
My program went on for many years, but you should not assume your road will be that long at all (early trauma). What does matter is acknowledging that okay, you experience sleep anxiety sometimes but it is not an opponent out to destroy you. So easy for our thoughts to run crazy when exhausted.
I am confident you will get through this.
Hi Awake, I used to also think of insomnia as a powerful entity, a monster, which there was no way I could ever beat.
I can’t recall exactly how this concept faded away. I do know that I left tossing and turning behind. Like you did recently, I got up instead, realizing that after 15-20 minutes or so, that sleep wasn’t going to happening just now, so might as well get up.
Another piece which fell into place over time was realizing that when I was tired, my thoughts would get pretty wild, e.g. thinking of insomnia as an actual monster out to destroy me. And I started deciding not to take the thoughts that seriously, that it was just the insomnia talking.
And during the day, I would not deny that okay, I’m tired, but I decided this does not automatically mean that I’m tired, therefore I am a loser, or that life is sh-t. Just I’m tired, that’s it.
This can take time, and I totally get that you want to sleep well right now. Weird, but sleep is one of those things where trying harder does not work. But I do think sticking with this website is a good step. Take care.
Hi Tramie, it sounds like you are really going through it right now….
Your insomnia kicking in when your newborn was keeping you up is of course understandable. Maybe harder to deal with is, when the cause for situational insomnia starts to recede (kid starts sleeping through the night), why does the insomnia still hang around?
I think the neuroscientists talk about nerve pathways or whatever as an explanation for how our brains can get programmed this way or that. But also that it is possible to re-program out of this mess, with the likes of CBT. Which in turn does not come in and fix everything perfectly.
I am guessing that you know intellectually that CBT is something you just have to keep practicing—but it is hard to keep focused when you’re hammered day after day from inadequate sleep. And continuing in the vein of describing what you already know (sorry!), sleep anxiety keeps the messy cycle rolling.
You write “I am frustrated with myself….” I wonder if maybe you can acknowledge that it is frustrating to not sleep, without getting frustrated with yourself –i.e. not beating yourself up as if this means you are a failure. I totally get how we can feel like failures–sleep should just happen, other people sleep, why not me, am I a loser or what……maybe just acknowledging that you are having these thoughts without buying into them.
There is an enormous difference between:
1. “I’m having thoughts that I am a failure, I will never get over this;” and
2. “I am a failure, I will never get over this.”
So easy to gravitate to #2 when exhausted, but it’s not true.
I hope you stick with this website and check out Martin’s emails. Take care.
Hi Tired54, well, you have come to the right place.
For starters, I would say read the comments throughout the forum, particular the responses from Martin and mentors like Scott. Martin also sends emails on various subjects, especially around sleep anxiety–that revolving door we all get caught in sometimes (anxious so can’t sleep, than anxious that won’t be able to sleep, then fearing not being able to sleep, etc etc.)
A lot might seem like cliches, and it can seem repetitive. That doesn’t mean the maxims aren’t true. Examples: sleep is a natural process, fatigue comes upon us and our body then sleeps; thoughts can get in the way, and when we are tired the thoughts can get pretty crazy. They seem so powerful they must be true—thoughts like “I’ll never sleep well again, ever,” “I can’t handle this,” “I would rather die” etc etc. when actually it is just the insomnia talking.
Insomnia is hard. I find it is easier to handle if I can just deal with this moment, right here, right now—–rather than imagining what the rest of my life is going to be. And at bedtime tonight, acknowledging that sure, you would like to sleep well, but if you don’t, it will be disappointing but not automatically devastating.
Hi Aneli, I think most people do not fully understand what something is like if they have not personally experienced it. If you have never been pregnant; or if you have never been a refugee, or had chemotherapy, can you really understand?
No one sleeps well every night, so they may think they understand insomnia. They don’t: chronic insomnia is much worse.
While some people are cruel, most are just unaware. I try to accept this, and realize they probably struggle some other way in life that I do not fully understand or appreciate.
I hope you stay with this forum and look into Martin’s materials. Take care.
Hi LouMar8, I think you are onto something when you describe “the anxiety (insomnia) causes…”
Many nights of poor sleep would make me anxious about pretty much everything—how am I going to get this or that done, add to that thoughts about what people are thinking about me (usually they weren’t, of course); and as the next evening comes on, the anxiety would turn to how am I going to sleep tonight.
Sometimes the only thing that sort of worked was just slowing down to this nanosecond, then focusing on my next step, which might just be sitting here, or getting up and walking to get a glass, then putting some water in it, and then drinking it. Not really a technique, just getting through. And not all the nanoseconds are as tough as some of them. And then trying to do the same thing at bedtime. And when the anxiety kicks in—what if I don’t sleep tonight, I can’t handle this, etc.–just letting the thoughts pass through. And knowing that if you end up not getting much sleep and facing another day, knowing that you have done it many times.
Easier said, I know. But to the extent we can get out of the way, sleep will take care of itself. If it were something we could accomplish with effort, we probably would have licked this problem a long time ago.
Take care, and I hope you stick with this website.
Hi, maybehank, I can definitely relate to what you are saying, and RavenOfNight as well.
I am going to try to tread softly here because a lot of people I know really get their backs up to any reference to God, or Supreme Being, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, whatever name works or doesn’t work for you. And I can’t say I blame them, what with all the evil people have done while holding the Bible or the Koran or etc etc.
I will just tell you what happened to me one time, and you can take it for whatever you think it is worth.
I dealt with insomnia for 40+ years (doesn’t mean yours will go that long, I had huge childhood trauma, years of therapy, etc. etc.) Anyway, one time about 25 years into it, I woke up early after yet another lousy night of bad sleep. I was on vacation, in Maui, where everything is supposed to be wonderful, right? So I get up and am staring at my shoes and I don’t have the energy to deal with tying my shoelaces. And for the umpteenth time, I wished I was dead. Then I prayed for the strength to tie one of my shoes. Not both, just one shoe. Sort of like the AA motto, I guess–just for today, I will not drink—just for this moment, give me the strength to tie my shoelace on my left shoe.
Everything was not peachy after that. I had plenty of crappy nights for years after that. I still have some crappy nights; nobody sleeps great every night. It’s just about slogging through as best we can.
I know I eventually got the strength, with a similar prayer, to do the right shoe. But at the time, that was not in the picture. It was just about getting through the moment of dealing with my left shoe. Maybe like RavenOfNight alluded to, you have gotten through moment by moment as well.
Finally, you are not crazy. And I know it feels like it. Maybe there is something in realizing, “I am having the thought that I am going crazy and that I can’t take this anymore.” This is radically different from, “I am going crazy and I can’t take this anymore.” If you are having trouble seeing the difference at this moment, I submit it’s the insomnia talking.
I think we are survivors, doing pretty damn well in tough situations.
