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Hi JakeAwake, I can relate to the pendulum thing, where you think you are back to square one. I have no doubt it seems that way. If I have a rough patch, sometimes if only one or two nights, sometimes I have felt like a complete failure. Forget that I have slept well in the past; that’s in the past.
These feelings can be powerful, but that doesn’t make them true. This can be difficult to discern when I am hammered by insomnia. I just can’t think straight.
But it’s not back to square one, because eventually I recall some of the skills I have acquired. One is to stop trying to think my way out of “the problem.” Instead of trying to dissect and analyze my mind, I just sit back and watch it.
Observing instead of believing thoughts can provide some space. The alternative: being at the mercy of whatever next pops into your head. This is a big component of mindfulness, and also Martin’s course, where he talks about acknowledging unpleasant thoughts and emotions (granted, you wish they weren’t there in the first place).
I’ll probably have bad sleep nights in the future. In fact, I can count on it. No one sleeps great every night. But I know if I can eventually remember to step back from it, I will be okay.
Take care, you are not alone in this.
Hi bekahmoore1, my wife and I usually sleep together but not always. If I have to set the alarm early; if one of us has a cold; if one of us hasn’t slept well but thinks we’d have a better chance at sleeping if separate.
The key for us is how we treat each other during the day, when we are conscious and can show our love for each other in any number of ways.
I agree with donaldcoomer28.
Perhaps one of the nastiest features of chronic insomnia is the feeling of isolation. I know I have felt that no one can possibly understand. Sometimes I also feel that no one cares, that they think I should just get over it, that I am damaged, maybe beyond hope……eventually, I realize that while these feelings are powerful, they are not true. That it’s just the insomnia talking.
Hi sleepaidaustralia, you are really going through it, no doubt.
I don’t know how long you have been seeing your therapist, or anything about their qualifications. Perhaps you haven’t been going very long; or you have and the sessions are easy but ineffective; or?
I don’t think it is physically possible go seven months without any sleep, but in any event, you are clearly not getting very much.
I wonder if taking Martin’s course would help. As it progresses, it focuses more on how thoughts and emotions can drive insomnia, and on how to live full lives even when we don’t get as much sleep as we’d like.
You know by now there is no surefire cure for great sleep for the rest of your life, but the course might be worth a try. (I am not getting anything for suggesting this.)
One last thought on sleep anxiety. Sometimes I get so wiped out that all pretense of maybe having some control over sleep is stripped away. And I get a good night’s sleep. Would be nice if that happens tonight, but who knows?
Okay, another thought….I think I will plan on sleeping well tonight. Wait a second. Just how am I going to do that? Okay wait, I will not allow any anxious thoughts. Wait. I am not able to control what pops into my head during the day, so how am I going to suddenly do it at night? ……. But there must be something I can do to sleep better. I mean, there must be!
The preceding is just another example of what Martin refers to above—- being attached to making sleep happen. Actually, sleep just happens on its own, like when a little kid runs around all day and then just conks out. I am quite certain the kid isn’t putting a lot of thought into sleep issues.
Like you, Hyhan and so many others, I have been dealing with insomnia for quite a while. I don’t think it is a steady upward climb to eternal success, instead more like the jagged line graph which shows the U.S. stock market over the last several decades. Ups and downs—but long term, a steady trend upwards. I think if we stick with practices like observing thoughts instead of living them, being kind to ourselves, we will have more good sleep nights over the long term. And hopefully we won’t freak out too much when things go south now and then.
Hi Hyhan, I also wish I could wave a magic wand and solve your sleep problem. And mine, too!
I could toss out a sugar-coated response with an instant solution, the kind you see on the YouTube ads which thankfully you can usually skip over. The fact is that sometimes it is really (insert more colorful language here) disappointing / frustrating / maddening / take your pick. Especially when it seems like everybody else is raring to go this morning, all refreshed and bursting with happiness.
Another thing for me is sometimes a sense of failure: why can’t I sleep like normal people?
At this point, I can spiral down a rabbit hole of despair. On the other hand, I can remind myself that I’ve been here before. I wish I hadn’t been, and I wish I wasn’t here now. But I am, so now what?
I happen to be going through a bit of a rough insomnia patch myself the last several nights. And as I type this, I am stepping back from the thoughts drifting through. They are pretty bad, e.g. I am tired of this, I wish I were dead. I am not denying them. I am also seeing that while they are powerful thoughts, I can also see that they are not orders. For example, I am not required to kill myself. And if I am letting my mind stay open to whatever pops in there, another thought is that I have no control over how long or how well I sleep. Another thought is that I wish I did. Yet another thought is that I am enjoying this cup of coffee, and the trees are starting to bud out, including some cherry blossoms.
I don’t know if this is helping. What I am trying to get at it is we can’t control sleep any more than we can control the weather. When you are hoping for a sunny day and instead it is raining, it’s a letdown. But at some point, you decide how you’re going to react to it.
Hard to think and write clearly when I’m hammered myself from insomnia, but I do think it comes down to letting go of trying to control it, as much as we’d like to.
Hi Becc, I can very much relate to what you’re saying. I battled insomnia for years, and then learned some techniques on my own, and then more on this site. And yet I still have bad sleep nights sometimes. Things will go well, i.e. sleeping fine, and then here comes the insomnia again. And even if it is only one night, sometimes that anxiety creeps in. As you say, even if you’re not particularly stressed in your life right now, the thoughts start “flooding back.”
There is no controlling the flood. I think the answer is how we react to it.
At the moment, the analogy which fits best for me is the weather. I didn’t sleep great last night, and the weather this morning doesn’t look all that great either. But I still see some possibilities to enjoy the day, even if it isn’t starting out like I’d prefer.
The alternative for me is to focus on being disappointed or frustrated or whatever that I can’t control the weather or how I slept. I am deciding to let any feelings like that come and go and just do some fun stuff anyway.
Hi Sdzagrean, I find that I have to practice these techniques on a regular basis, pretty much like getting a physical workout. When I don’t get out and exercise very much, I get out of shape. And when I don’t do things like mindfulness/ NOW exercise / labeling thoughts and emotions, I find myself not sleeping as well—and what’s worse, reacting badly when I don’t sleep well.
Hi Meherman, I agree with Scott and Rosanne, but I will add my own experience from last night’s poor sleep. This will be lengthy and may come across as disorganized and self-absorbed. Because I am not going to edit it very much. And after a poor night’s sleep, like most people, I am not organized and concise. Maybe this window into sleep anxiety will help.
I woke up with post-surgical pain. Hey, it won’t last forever. I will get over it, but right now I can’t sleep. How am I supposed to get through the day? Sure the surgery pain will go away, but what if this is a return to all those nights when I used to sleep badly? I can’t deal with this anymore. I can get up and practice reading sheet music for singing, or read, or stretch, but what’s the point, I just want to sleep and I can’t and I don’t know when I will be able to, if ever……
The above goes through my head in a flash, and I can stay there and think it over and over. And why not? It’s the way I feel, and not being able to sleep is so bad, and I just can’t deal with this……
And then I recall that I have had early mornings like this before, and I can stand back a little bit and sit and then I watch my mind sort of like watching TV. And thoughts of how bad this is are going through my head, whizzing through but some are slowing down, and I can see them passing through. They are not real fun thoughts and emotions, all about how insomnia has been a nasty part of my life and here it is again… and I can see that I can dive into these thoughts, sort of live in them and agree with them. Or I can stay back here and just watch them pass by. And I realize that I don’t have to hop on. And instead I reach for my cup of coffee and I sip it, and then I put it down.
And here comes another thought. I have learned I cannot control whatever thought just pops into my head, but I have learned I don’t have to dive into it and live in it. Anyway, the thought is that what if I don’t sleep well tonight, or the night after that. And then that I would not like that. And then well, I can’t really control that, any more than I can control the weather. And then I notice how quiet it is right now. I just heard the refrigerator fan turn on, don’t usually notice that, I guess. Oh, where was I …..a bunch of other thoughts went through my head, can’t remember them all, something about watching basketball later maybe.
—————————————–Okay, I don’t know if the above is just nonsense to you, or maybe you can see it as an illustration of how anything and everything can pop up as a thought. And how you can just observe them or buy into them. And believe me, I know how easy it is to get sucked into the dark rabbit hole when you really want to sleep and can’t and everything can seem hopeless. And then somebody tells you, hey, they are just thoughts, cliches like that.
The fact remains, however, that just because a thought or emotion is incredibly powerful, it’s indeed just a thought or emotion.
Example: I feel very, very strongly that I will not sleep well tonight, or the next night, and that I am on the road to a lifetime of insomnia and misery. I feel this so strongly that it is therefore true.
Answer: You feel it very, very strongly. But that doesn’t make it true.
To Czor / Elkie / Genie B./ Sonja Leslie………..It has been a couple of months since anyone has posted on this thread. I hope things have been going better for you.
I spent quite a bit of time in sort of a rabbit hole of despair, before I learned about observing thoughts instead of being them. (e.g Week 4 of this course)
I think it was toughest when I viewed sleep as a Requirement: if I do not sleep well, I cannot be happy.
Hi TaraH, I should have added that I have had a long road with insomnia due to severe childhood trauma, since resolved. Please do not think you are condemned to a lifetime of dealing with this. I have actually largely gotten beyond it.
I am guessing that since you are posting in the Week 1 forum, this where you are in the course. Please keep going at your own pace, and I think you will a shift in emphasis—away from documenting how many hours you are sleeping, how well you are sleeping, etc., and more toward how to live life regardless of sleep. That we cannot control sleep any more than we can the weather, but we can have a big say in how we react to sleep or lack of it.
Perhaps you are feeling like you can never get out of this maelstrom of sleep anxiety. It can be hard to believe that it will pass. Because I think we sort of fall into a sort of modern cultural mindset: that if I am feeling something very strongly, then it must be true.
Hi TaraH, I found that keeping track of how well I slept each night did not work out. Even if I had a good run of two weeks, sometimes just one restless night got me freaking out all over again.
I am guessing you already know this, because you write about panicking after a bad night. Plus, in your other posts you describe prior insomnia which resolved, at least for a while. But even being down this road before (same here) doesn’t necessarily mean instant resolution because at least for me, I find that I can’t think straight when I’m super tired.
So what’s the answer? I agree that acceptance is part of the equation, which doesn’t means liking it, rather just acknowledging the unpleasantness of being tired, and then just getting on with life to the extent you can. Not easy, I know.
Hi SCTwo, all I can do is second what others have said.
I also found that trying to overcome fear did not work. Well, maybe for a few minutes or even for a few days….but inevitably, it would just pop back up to the surface, sometimes even stronger than it was.
I am noticing as the weeks progress in the course, that Martin is referring to insomnia less often. Instead, there is more emphasis on living life regardless how well I slept last night, or even the last month. And indeed I can make some choices on what I’m going to do tomorrow, regardless how well I sleep tonight.
Sure, I hope I get a good night’s sleep, but I can’t control that, other than avoiding coffee late and getting a bed at a reasonable hour.
If I sound like I have left insomnia behind forever and everything’s going to be wonderful all the time, no, it’s not. I will sleep poorly some nights, maybe including tonight. And if I have a bad run, maybe that fear will creep in and get the better of me for a while, where I find myself trying to make it go away. Hard to think straight when you’re blitzed from insomnia.
But sooner or later I will remember to just the fear be, and after a while it will float away.
Hi Lizjoshcarlos, I struggled with insomnia for many years, and I very much recall feeling like no one understands what that is like. But if you stick with this forum and check out the podcasts and other materials on this site, you will see that Martin’s right—that you are not alone in this.
Still, you might feel alone. This might be the insomnia talking: it is hard to think straight when you are really hammered from fatigue. And it can be easy to get sucked into believing that a feeling must be accurate when it is so strong. Maybe our culture has to do something with it—this idea that if I feel something really strongly, it must be true.
I can’t really speak to the sleep restriction process. I did try it, and I remember only that it did not translate into no more insomnia. The same goes for a lot of the standard sleep hygiene techniques, e.g. don’t read disturbing news accounts or drink coffee late at night.
I am not saying these techniques don’t have value, and I practice quite a few of them. But for me, what has been more important has been my attitude toward insomnia. Over time, I have been (generally) able to see it as one of life’s difficulties which pop up here and there, rather than as a monster which is going to spiral me into despair. Even though it feels that way after several rough nights.
Take care, you are not alone in this.
