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Awakened in the middle of the night in a room with the light turned low. I wasn't at home in bed, but I was in A bed. There were two women standing at either side of the bed and they were talking quietly. I have no idea where I am or how I got here.
The last thing I remember was coming home from a night spent in the ER on a backboard. I had fallen asleep sitting on the side of my bed. It was from that position that I fell over onto the floor. When I hit the floor, I heard a loud snap, after which I couldn't move. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance on the backboard, which is where I remained for several hours. On arrival, the ER doctor asked me what he could give me for pain, as it would do no good to give me what I normally take at home. I told him I had had good results with morphine on the few occasions I had to have “extra” help. Thankfully, that wasn't often. So I was given a morphine shot in my IV fluids tubing, so that I wouldn't have to move around for an injecton in my behind. After the shot and a scan, I was discharged with a diagnosis of a sprained back and a perscription for morphine tablets.
When I got home, I took one and went to bed, where I slept most of the day. When I awoke, I took another so that I could get out of bed and get cleaned up. Tha was the last thing I remember before waking up in this place. At first, I think I'm dreaming. This was just too strange to be anything real. Finally, just to prove to myself that I was dreaming, I asked one of the women, “Where am I?”
“You're in ICU.” she said, almost too quietly for me to hear her.
“Which Hospital?” I asked. I really had no idea where I was or why.
“You're in Gerald Champion. Now, lie back and rest for a while. You've been through a lot. Someone will be in to explain everything to you in the morning.”
I must have slept soundly and dreamlessly after that. Next thing I knew, I was waking up and seeing my husband across the room, looking quite angry and upset. When he saw that I was awake, he came over to the chair beside my bed. He wouldn't touch me! I had no idea at all how he could just sit there without touching me at all.
“Has anyone told you why you're here?” He asked.
I told him the nurses the night before wouldn't tell me and said someone would be in to explain everything to me.
As he spit out the answer to his own question, I knew he was furious. “You overdosed!”
“I WHAT?!” I was completely overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, laugh in his face, scream, run, do something! “I od'ed n what? I don't have anything at home to od on!”
“What did the ER doctor give you?”
“Morphine,” I said, “But I only took one!”
“You only remember taking one. Either you took more than one, or you took it with something else!” He all but shouted.
I had not a single clue what he was talking about. But he blamed me for it, regardless.
Soon, I was served breakfast…or what they called breakfast in this hospital. I ate quietly, but was unable to finish. I was devastated that he though I'd do such a foolish thing on purpose. In the first place, I have no reasonto do such a stupid thng. In the second place, I had no recollection of doing it. If it had been a deliberate attempt, I think I would remember that. I fell back to sleep during breakfast. I felt myself being shaken awake. It was him.
“If you can't stay awake and eat while I'm here, I'm going home. I have to get Ron's car back to him. I don't know when I'll be back.” And off he went. It turns out I won't see him again until Monday afternoon. Today is Saturday. I would have expected more.
I spent the better part of the next two days sleeping. I continued to receive pain medication, I have to have it daily just to get around at all. After the fall, I have been especially sore and my back really hurts. Monday afternoon, I'm told I'm gong home. yay. My husband picked me up and took me home. On the way there, he seems to have mellowed some. Once home, we are busy avoiding the subject and each other. For the first time, I realize what a pig sty we live in. And I just don't care. No matter the reason, an overdose can cause some serious thinking processes to enter your head. I was depressed for more than a month about what happend, but more about the way he reacted. I finally realized what had happened. I took the morphine. A little while later, forgot that I took the morphine and took one of my regular pain pills. It doesn't matter. He still doubts my ability to monitor my own meds. I am s tired all the time from lack of sleep that I don't doubt it could happen again. I'll just have to be more careful.
All of this was due to insomnia. I don't sleep. How long before this or something worse happens? I have no way of knowng. I hope never. In the meantime, I just can't sleep.
Becky
First, let me say that I am sorry to hear about what happened to you – it just goes to show just how damaging and debilitating insomnia can be. Stories like yours (whilst shocking) need to be shared if we're ever to change society's attitude towards sleep deprivation.
Please know that regardless of what happens in your personal life, you always have the support of your fellow insomniacs here at Insomnia Land. I hope you and your husband can have a constructive discussion over the events that happened and that he will realize that your hospitalization was not your fault.
Have you been given any referrals to either a sleep specialist or psychologist? Although I am no doctor, it doesn't seem wise for you not to get targeted and specific assistance for your sleep deprivation after this experience.
PS – I just noticed this was posted in the Writer's Corner… it was either a very convincing work of fiction, or a very honest and open account of your experience with insomnia. I'd love to know which it is!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Clarity program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
'Martin' wrote on '07:Becky
First, let me say that I am sorry to hear about what happened to you – it just goes to show just how damaging and debilitating insomnia can be. Stories like yours (whilst shocking) need to be shared if we're ever to change society's attitude towards sleep deprivation.
Please know that regardless of what happens in your personal life, you always have the support of your fellow insomniacs here at Insomnia Land. I hope you and your husband can have a constructive discussion over the events that happened and that he will realize that your hospitalization was not your fault.
Have you been given any referrals to either a sleep specialist or psychologist? Although I am no doctor, it doesn't seem wise for you not to get targeted and specific assistance for your sleep deprivation after this experience.
PS – I just noticed this was posted in the Writer's Corner… it was either a very convincing work of fiction, or a very honest and open account of your experience with insomnia. I'd love to know which it is!
Hi, Martin,
This really happened! I do write ficton, however, I don't think I could have written a ficionalized version of events without the experience having happened to me. This is written as if I'm replaying the events and seeing them unfold as only a participant in them can. It still bothers me that it happened. But writing it as honestly as only I can, seems to have allevieated some of the guilt associated with the incident.
My husband doesn't even acknowledge that there is anything wrong with me that couldn't be fixed by just going to bed.
He is still wrapped up in the events in his life over the past year, which is understandable. I experienced them right along with him. But he can't understand that nothing he says is going to fix the problem, any more than me telling him not to have a heart attack affected the fact that he “chose” to have a heart attack. He also can't see that the anxiety of him waking in the middle of the night to find me still awake, contributes to me still being awake. He also ignores how his heart attack complicated my situation. Many nights, when I know he's not feeling well, I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear of missing him calling for me. The night of his heart attack, I had just fallen asleep around 1:00 am, when within a half hour of falling asleejp, I heard him calling for me in my dream. If our dog had not woke me up (she was frantic, knowing that he needed help), he would have died. I believe, rather, I know that when I got to him, he heaved one sigh and didn't take another breath for several seconds, at which time I had dug my thumbnail into his side. That simple move kick-started his heart. There was no way for me to get him off the couch and onto the floor. And I was ultimately unable to do cpr on him, even if I could have gotten him onto the floor…All of this has fed my insomnia to the point that I am now fearing for my health. All of this prompted me to share that story.
As far as anyone referring me to anything: All of this began shortly after we moved back to New Mexico from MIssouri. I've been going to the same clinic ever since. I asked for, and was granted a one-night sleep study. which was inconclusive. I'll have to see about a psychologist. I'll be seeing the nurse practiotioner on Thursday, and will ask her what she can do to help me. With my other health probems, I don't know what's avaiable, whether I'll get quality counselling or just find one more doctor with a thick prescription pad. As I've indicated, I've taken more than five extensive psychology classes while in college…oh, I just realized that with the second degree, I probably topped about 4 psychology-based courses. I am familiar with the psychological aspects of insomnia and it's cousins. I don't have sleep apnea or narcolepsy. Those were definitively eliminated. While those are not diagnoses one wants to hear, any definite diagnosis would be preferable to not knowing what is going on with your body and mind, especially when the consequences are like the one I wrote about. THAT was beyond frightening. It was horrifying. I know what could have happened. Thankfully, it didn't.
Martin, thank you for taking the time to read my story, and understanding where I was and what was happening. It's somethin I truly hope never happens again.
Becky
Becky
Is there any kind of 'life monitor' device your husband would be willing to use in the case of a future emergency so that you can at least feel a little less pressure to always remain alert in case he needs help again? I was thinking specifically about those buttons you wear or have nearby that can be pressed in the case of an emergency that will immediately contact a monitoring company or the emergency services.
Your experience with the sleep study sounds rather common when comparing it to those of other Insomnia Land members. Please keep us updated with your progress. Since your experience is fact, and not a work of fiction, would you mind if I moved this thread to the Sleep Deprivation forum? I think more people would see it there and it would be valuable for other members to have this thread more accessible and visible.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Clarity program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
'Martin' wrote on '09:Becky
Is there any kind of 'life monitor' device your husband would be willing to use in the case of a future emergency so that you can at least feel a little less pressure to always remain alert in case he needs help again? I was thinking specifically about those buttons you wear or have nearby that can be pressed in the case of an emergency that will immediately contact a monitoring company or the emergency services.
Your experience with the sleep study sounds rather common when comparing it to those of other Insomnia Land members. Please keep us updated with your progress. Since your experience is fact, and not a work of fiction, would you mind if I moved this thread to the Sleep Deprivation forum? I think more people would see it there and it would be valuable for other members to have this thread more accessible and visible.
Martin,
It's odd you mention the life-alert type monitor. He suggested one for me! A prerequisite is a home phone, which we now have. We've actually reached a time in our lives in which getting emergency help is not just a covenience it's a necesity. We now have a phone,which we will now be able to keep, as or finances have changed dramatically sice Marty's heart attack. We've always thought in terms of me needing one, because of my falls and because I can become deathly ill in just a matter of acouple of hours. I've been plagued with renal failure since I became a severe diabetic. I even died in the ER three times in one night! I think we have just become accustomed to thinking in terms of “we can't afford”. Well,now we can. When I go to the doctor, I think I'm going to see if I cant get a script for each of us to have one! Thank you for your suggestion!
You may place my story wherever you deem it would be most helpful to others. Anytime I can help others through my writing, I'd be happy to share. Over the past six years, I've had enough expeience to help in several arenas. I will make an effort to present what I have to offer in less negative tones. I do tend to become negative the longer I go witout sleep. I'm about to climb into bed for the first time since 9 am Saturday. If I can't get to sleep quickly, I'll be back up, no doubt. I'll check back in when I get up.
Thank you,
Becky
Thanks, Becky. Please keep us updated. I'll move this topic to the insomnia forum.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Clarity program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Becky!
I'm brand new to this site and this very post of yours is the first I have opened. I'm amazed at how similar our situations are and I just wanted to let you know that I can TOTALLY relate and empathize with your situation 100%!
What happened to you is frightening and can be difficult to understand for people who are not in our situation. I too, am on prescribed daily narcotics and muscle relaxers for a plethora of painful issues with my cervical spine. I also suffer from OCD, PTSD, and major anxiety. As a result, I also take an SSRI and a benzodiazepine daily.
As if all of this medication wasn't overwhelming by itself, I've recently developed horrendous insomnia (which I attribute partly to sometimes taking my percocets too close to bedtime, if that makes any sense, partly to anxiety, and partly to my OCD). Now, most of my friends have suggested that I see a doctor and ask to be prescribed Ambien or something similar so I can sleep. That would seem like an easy fix, but then of course comes the fear of something occurring like what happened to you, or worse. I definitely worry about accidentally overdosing or taking a combination of prescriptions that may potentially harm or even kill me!
Just like you, my significant other completely disapproves of the types and amounts of medication I take. When he sees me with my normal nightly handful of some combination of diphenhydramine, Ativan, unisom, chlorzoxazone, oxycodone, and whatever the new trial holistic sleep-aid-of-the-week is, he just about bursts a blood vessel in his forehead while nagging, arguing, begging, pleading and belittling me in an attempt to make me “JUST STOP TAKING ALL THOSE PILLS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!!!”
Of course, I'd friggin LOVE to stop taking all those pills. I'm sure you would too. We ALL would rather be medication-free, but the fact is, most of us would never get a wink of sleep without SOME kind of crutch, drug, or holistic remedy. Since our husbands or boyfriends, wives, girlfriends, lovers, what have you… If they're anything like mine, can fall asleep 30 seconds after crawling into bed and sleep peacefully through the night and jump out of bed at 6am joyfully exclaiming, “It's morning!!! Hooray!!!”, they probably will never understand our desperation and willingness to do or swallow almost anything to get just enough sleep so that we can maintain some semblance of a normal productive life.
I know for a fact that if I fell into the situation that you experienced, my boyfriend would absolutely react just as your husband did. He'd be furious. There would be no sympathy for me, only anger. I can imagine that the way he handled your accidental overdose has hurt you and probably stressed you to the point that maybe you're now afraid ALL THE TIME to take your medication, for fear that he'll disapprove or become angry or disappointed. I know I would be. It sucks when the person you love the most, your partner, who you have chosen to spend your whole life and allof your dreams with, through all of life's crap does not offer his empathy or support when you're dealing with something so difficult. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that you have insomnia, and it's not your fault that you ended up in the ICU.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there's someone out there just like you, going through the same issues without the help of and despite the resistance from your husband. I hope I have made you feel a little better. Oh! Before I forget, a simple trick I have learned to remember whether or not I've taken my meds is, after I take my pills, I flip the bottle upside down and leave it that way in the cabinet. I used to screw up ALL the time.
Feel free to message me anytime, even if you just need to vent. Hope maybe this helps a little. 🙂
Michelle
'ExhaustedMichelle' wrote on '11:Becky!
I'm brand new to this site and this very post of yours is the first I have opened. I'm amazed at how similar our situations are and I just wanted to let you know that I can TOTALLY relate and empathize with your situation 100%!
What happened to you is frightening and can be difficult to understand for people who are not in our situation. I too, am on prescribed daily narcotics and muscle relaxers for a plethora of painful issues with my cervical spine. I also suffer from OCD, PTSD, and major anxiety. As a result, I also take an SSRI and a benzodiazepine daily.
As if all of this medication wasn't overwhelming by itself, I've recently developed horrendous insomnia (which I attribute partly to sometimes taking my percocets too close to bedtime, if that makes any sense, partly to anxiety, and partly to my OCD). Now, most of my friends have suggested that I see a doctor and ask to be prescribed Ambien or something similar so I can sleep. That would seem like an easy fix, but then of course comes the fear of something occurring like what happened to you, or worse. I definitely worry about accidentally overdosing or taking a combination of prescriptions that may potentially harm or even kill me!
Just like you, my significant other completely disapproves of the types and amounts of medication I take. When he sees me with my normal nightly handful of some combination of diphenhydramine, Ativan, unisom, chlorzoxazone, oxycodone, and whatever the new trial holistic sleep-aid-of-the-week is, he just about bursts a blood vessel in his forehead while nagging, arguing, begging, pleading and belittling me in an attempt to make me “JUST STOP TAKING ALL THOSE PILLS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF!!!”
Of course, I'd friggin LOVE to stop taking all those pills. I'm sure you would too. We ALL would rather be medication-free, but the fact is, most of us would never get a wink of sleep without SOME kind of crutch, drug, or holistic remedy. Since our husbands or boyfriends, wives, girlfriends, lovers, what have you… If they're anything like mine, can fall asleep 30 seconds after crawling into bed and sleep peacefully through the night and jump out of bed at 6am joyfully exclaiming, “It's morning!!! Hooray!!!”, they probably will never understand our desperation and willingness to do or swallow almost anything to get just enough sleep so that we can maintain some semblance of a normal productive life.
I know for a fact that if I fell into the situation that you experienced, my boyfriend would absolutely react just as your husband did. He'd be furious. There would be no sympathy for me, only anger. I can imagine that the way he handled your accidental overdose has hurt you and probably stressed you to the point that maybe you're now afraid ALL THE TIME to take your medication, for fear that he'll disapprove or become angry or disappointed. I know I would be. It sucks when the person you love the most, your partner, who you have chosen to spend your whole life and allof your dreams with, through all of life's crap does not offer his empathy or support when you're dealing with something so difficult. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that you have insomnia, and it's not your fault that you ended up in the ICU.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there's someone out there just like you, going through the same issues without the help of and despite the resistance from your husband. I hope I have made you feel a little better. Oh! Before I forget, a simple trick I have learned to remember whether or not I've taken my meds is, after I take my pills, I flip the bottle upside down and leave it that way in the cabinet. I used to screw up ALL the time.
Feel free to message me anytime, even if you just need to vent. Hope maybe this helps a little. 🙂
Michelle
Hi, Michelle, and Welcome to Insomnialand. I'd like to start by saying that, while our situations are similar, they aren't quite exactly alike. Mine began several years ago, more than 15, when osteoarthritis took over almost every joint in my body, suddenly, after a bout of fyths or fiths disease, which was going around the school my kids attended. In children, it causes a rash and irratability. I adults, after the rash disappears, about two weeks later, a flu-like illness ensues, whith fever and chills and really bad joint pain. After that, many adults develop arthritic symptoms. In my case, I began having pain in my hip, while watching my daughter in a school performance. By the time we left the school, the pain had crept up my back to the tip of my shoulder blade. When we got home, I took a couple of aspirin and hoped to just get into bed and give the aspirin a chance to work. I got my pajamas on with great difficulty, and in that short period of time, I got to the point that I couldn't get myself into bed. My husband had to help me. As I lay there, the pain got wsorse rather than better. I got up and took more aspirin. Two hours later, needing to use the bathroom, I found that it was really difficult to get out of the recliner I was in and walk down the hall to the bathroom. Difficulty and pain there, too, getting down and then back up. But I eventually did, finding it even harder to to walk back down the hall. In the molrning, I was taken by ambulance to the hospitla with the pain and locked joints, a rash from the aspirin I'd taken too much of, and an inability to speek well, because the pain and stiffness had settled in my jaws as well. I was put on 800 mg motrin and given a steroid injection for the rash. I was sent home two days later, improved, but not well. I stayed on the Motrin until they started selling it over the counter more cheaply than what I had to pay for it. It wasn't cheap! Then about eleven years later, I began college, at the ripe old age of 39! I was gung-ho! For the two years it took to get my associate's degree, I did ok. I graduated and was o top of the world!
Then, I decided to go back and work on my AA degree to transfer to a four year university. A week after the semester began, my dad killed himself, which is another story. I only mention it because it was a turning point in my life. We dropped everything, as we should have, and went to Albuquerque for his funeral. When we got back to Missouri, and I started back to school, I found I was too far behind in a couple of classes to get caught up, so I dropped them. If I repeted them, I would have had to do it on my own dime, which I couldn't afford. But I finished my other classes while I decided what I could do. During that time, my psych professor had developed a new program in human services, which didn't require math and science. I realized that with my As Degree and that degree, I'd make a good victim advocate for any police department. Toward the end of that semester, I had developed arthritis in that same hip. But I just couldn't quit while I had a plan and a goal. By the time I had finished three semesters of the human services degree, It had become impossible for me to walk. So I had to drop out and apply for disability.
As soon as I got my award letter from Social Security, I went and got my medicaid started, and went to the doctor and explained what was happening. He explained that stress had caused an acute flare-up of the arthritis, which I had earlier. After some tests, it was determined that I had significant osteoarthritis in most of my joints, especially my knees and lumbar spine. I was unable to move most days. He put me on a low dose of hydrocodone, because it's about the only pain medication I can take, other than morphine and dilaudid. I didn't want to be unonscious, so I took the hydrocodone and ent on swith my life. And because I had been taking about 20mg of ibuprofen a day, sometimes 25mg, he took me off that and put me on Ketoprophen, which worked better, and was safer than the motrin. At the same time I was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes. I was put on pills for that.
When we moved back to NM, the first doctor I saw pointed out that I was a mess from the head down. Then a week later, he informed me that he thought I was faking to get disability to pay my way. What an ass. That was the last time I saws him. But he gave me a referral to a neurologist who was the best thing that evr happened to me. Through actual tests and mri's he determined that I not only had severe osteoarthritis, I also had a good case of neuropathy in my feet and partway up my legs. (now I have it in both legs and hands) It's a mess. So he put me on the highest dose of Neurontin possible, just so the neropathic pain wouldn't make it hard for me to sleep. That was the year my insomnia began.
I take a lot of pills just to be able to function at even an almost level. A fall off my front porch put me in a wheelchair within five or six years of the fall. I've been through many changes over the past 13 years. I've also gone through three years oif renal failure and someties just insufficiency. I've been in three comas one of which was induced after I died in the ER three times in one night. I do not enjoy waking up in ICU.
Right now, I take a laundry list of meds which include hydrocodone..a much large dose than when I started. Neurontin, methocarbomal, Paxil, Mirapex, diphenhydramine, and I have ativan, but can't take it because it causes me to fall a lot.
In general, I ignore any negative comment about what I take, from my husband or anyone else. They don't live in my skin. What he was mad about was that he thought I had done it on purpose. He thinks I'm having trouble coming to terms with his heart attack last spring. He would be wrong. I do get angry when he comes in and finds me up on the computer and throws a fit, thinking it is the computer keeping me awake. He couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm up on the computer, because I can't sleep and I am not going to sit here bored out of my mind with nothing to do!
I do appreciate your message, and I hope you arent't too offended by the way I started my reply. I just happen to think that we can relate to people without having to all be alike. There are so many reasons for insomnia it's mind-boggling. What I'd like to know is why it's ok to take pain medication if you're in pain, but if you can't sleep, there is a stigma about taking sleep aids. And there is, although, after several years of studying insomnia, doctors aren't as reluctant to prescribe medication to help you sleep, these days. I think we'll get along ok, you and I. But you really need to accept that people who can't sleep can't sleep for their own reasons, which may be similar to yours without being a carbon copy of yours. And I'm glad you read my story. What happened to me can happen to anyone who is that tired. Even scarier is the thought that people are getting into vehicles and driving half asleep to get to jobs and their childrens schools for pick-up, and truck drivers are probably the worst of the lot. They will admit that they do it because staying awake for hours on end is how they make their livings. They are paid to stay awake and get that load in on time, regardless of the danger to themselves or others. To me, that says a lot about this disorder.
Wow! This got a little long! Sorry about that. I just had a lot to say, and I'm wide awake again!
Becky
'lowercasebecky1952' wrote on '12:Hi, Michelle, and Welcome to Insomnialand. I'd like to start by saying that, while our situations are similar, they aren't quite exactly alike. Mine began several years ago, more than 15, when osteoarthritis took over almost every joint in my body, suddenly, after a bout of fyths or fiths disease, which was going around the school my kids attended. In children, it causes a rash and irratability. I adults, after the rash disappears, about two weeks later, a flu-like illness ensues, whith fever and chills and really bad joint pain. After that, many adults develop arthritic symptoms. In my case, I began having pain in my hip, while watching my daughter in a school performance. By the time we left the school, the pain had crept up my back to the tip of my shoulder blade. When we got home, I took a couple of aspirin and hoped to just get into bed and give the aspirin a chance to work. I got my pajamas on with great difficulty, and in that short period of time, I got to the point that I couldn't get myself into bed. My husband had to help me. As I lay there, the pain got wsorse rather than better. I got up and took more aspirin. Two hours later, needing to use the bathroom, I found that it was really difficult to get out of the recliner I was in and walk down the hall to the bathroom. Difficulty and pain there, too, getting down and then back up. But I eventually did, finding it even harder to to walk back down the hall. In the molrning, I was taken by ambulance to the hospitla with the pain and locked joints, a rash from the aspirin I'd taken too much of, and an inability to speek well, because the pain and stiffness had settled in my jaws as well. I was put on 800 mg motrin and given a steroid injection for the rash. I was sent home two days later, improved, but not well. I stayed on the Motrin until they started selling it over the counter more cheaply than what I had to pay for it. It wasn't cheap! Then about eleven years later, I began college, at the ripe old age of 39! I was gung-ho! For the two years it took to get my associate's degree, I did ok. I graduated and was o top of the world!
Then, I decided to go back and work on my AA degree to transfer to a four year university. A week after the semester began, my dad killed himself, which is another story. I only mention it because it was a turning point in my life. We dropped everything, as we should have, and went to Albuquerque for his funeral. When we got back to Missouri, and I started back to school, I found I was too far behind in a couple of classes to get caught up, so I dropped them. If I repeted them, I would have had to do it on my own dime, which I couldn't afford. But I finished my other classes while I decided what I could do. During that time, my psych professor had developed a new program in human services, which didn't require math and science. I realized that with my As Degree and that degree, I'd make a good victim advocate for any police department. Toward the end of that semester, I had developed arthritis in that same hip. But I just couldn't quit while I had a plan and a goal. By the time I had finished three semesters of the human services degree, It had become impossible for me to walk. So I had to drop out and apply for disability.
As soon as I got my award letter from Social Security, I went and got my medicaid started, and went to the doctor and explained what was happening. He explained that stress had caused an acute flare-up of the arthritis, which I had earlier. After some tests, it was determined that I had significant osteoarthritis in most of my joints, especially my knees and lumbar spine. I was unable to move most days. He put me on a low dose of hydrocodone, because it's about the only pain medication I can take, other than morphine and dilaudid. I didn't want to be unonscious, so I took the hydrocodone and ent on swith my life. And because I had been taking about 20mg of ibuprofen a day, sometimes 25mg, he took me off that and put me on Ketoprophen, which worked better, and was safer than the motrin. At the same time I was diagnosed with adult onset diabetes. I was put on pills for that.
When we moved back to NM, the first doctor I saw pointed out that I was a mess from the head down. Then a week later, he informed me that he thought I was faking to get disability to pay my way. What an ass. That was the last time I saws him. But he gave me a referral to a neurologist who was the best thing that evr happened to me. Through actual tests and mri's he determined that I not only had severe osteoarthritis, I also had a good case of neuropathy in my feet and partway up my legs. (now I have it in both legs and hands) It's a mess. So he put me on the highest dose of Neurontin possible, just so the neropathic pain wouldn't make it hard for me to sleep. That was the year my insomnia began.
I take a lot of pills just to be able to function at even an almost level. A fall off my front porch put me in a wheelchair within five or six years of the fall. I've been through many changes over the past 13 years. I've also gone through three years oif renal failure and someties just insufficiency. I've been in three comas one of which was induced after I died in the ER three times in one night. I do not enjoy waking up in ICU.
Right now, I take a laundry list of meds which include hydrocodone..a much large dose than when I started. Neurontin, methocarbomal, Paxil, Mirapex, diphenhydramine, and I have ativan, but can't take it because it causes me to fall a lot.
In general, I ignore any negative comment about what I take, from my husband or anyone else. They don't live in my skin. What he was mad about was that he thought I had done it on purpose. He thinks I'm having trouble coming to terms with his heart attack last spring. He would be wrong. I do get angry when he comes in and finds me up on the computer and throws a fit, thinking it is the computer keeping me awake. He couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm up on the computer, because I can't sleep and I am not going to sit here bored out of my mind with nothing to do!
I do appreciate your message, and I hope you arent't too offended by the way I started my reply. I just happen to think that we can relate to people without having to all be alike. There are so many reasons for insomnia it's mind-boggling. What I'd like to know is why it's ok to take pain medication if you're in pain, but if you can't sleep, there is a stigma about taking sleep aids. And there is, although, after several years of studying insomnia, doctors aren't as reluctant to prescribe medication to help you sleep, these days. I think we'll get along ok, you and I. But you really need to accept that people who can't sleep can't sleep for their own reasons, which may be similar to yours without being a carbon copy of yours. And I'm glad you read my story. What happened to me can happen to anyone who is that tired. Even scarier is the thought that people are getting into vehicles and driving half asleep to get to jobs and their childrens schools for pick-up, and truck drivers are probably the worst of the lot. They will admit that they do it because staying awake for hours on end is how they make their livings. They are paid to stay awake and get that load in on time, regardless of the danger to themselves or others. To me, that says a lot about this disorder.
Wow! This got a little long! Sorry about that. I just had a lot to say, and I'm wide awake again!
Becky
PS: I found a glaring mistake! Doj't know how it got mast me. That was supposed to be 2,000mg and 2,500mg of motrin! Temporary mental vapor lock!
Oh, I wasn't trying to imply that we were completely alike… And not sure if I may have offended you… I just thought our similarities with being on many types of medication (I didn't list them ALL by the way) and how both of us obviously had chronic pain issues (again, I didn't go into detail about my neck or my other issues) and the lack of support/anxiety inducing actions from our partners, well I just wanted to let you know there was another soul suffering. I guess I thought it would help both of us feel better and saner in a way.
I don't want you or anyone else to think Im the type of person to get in a pissing contest when it comes to the unpleasant battles in my life… I'm definitely not one to try to “one up” a person or try to prove that my life is shittier somehow. Lol. I'm quite young to have the issues that I do and worry about the long road I have ahead. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I'm 40 or 50. You sound like you have been through hell and back. Whether or not our situations are alike, I still would like to offer you my listening ear and my sympathy should you ever like to take advantage of it.
Hope you get some rest. I'm thinking about just staying up at this point. Lol
Take care.
Michelle
'ExhaustedMichelle' wrote on '12:Oh, I wasn't trying to imply that we were completely alike… And not sure if I may have offended you… I just thought our similarities with being on many types of medication (I didn't list them ALL by the way) and how both of us obviously had chronic pain issues (again, I didn't go into detail about my neck or my other issues) and the lack of support/anxiety inducing actions from our partners, well I just wanted to let you know there was another soul suffering. I guess I thought it would help both of us feel better and saner in a way.
I don't want you or anyone else to think Im the type of person to get in a pissing contest when it comes to the unpleasant battles in my life… I'm definitely not one to try to “one up” a person or try to prove that my life is shittier somehow. Lol. I'm quite young to have the issues that I do and worry about the long road I have ahead. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I'm 40 or 50. You sound like you have been through hell and back. Whether or not our situations are alike, I still would like to offer you my listening ear and my sympathy should you ever like to take advantage of it.
Hope you get some rest. I'm thinking about just staying up at this point. Lol
Take care.
Michelle
You, too?! I need to grab a couple of hours of sleep, but I think I'm just going to grab another cup of coffee and try to stay awake. I have an appointment at noon that I cant miss, and if I lay down now, I won't get up.
I was afraid I was going to offend you. You sound like a great person. I just wanted to point out that there are countless reasons for not sleeping. I just haven't quite figured out what mine is. The point of listing some of te drugs I take was to agree with you that we both take a mountain of them daily. Although I'm trying to see if I can wean myself off Paxil, and I don't think I'll make it. I already don't like myself very much. So, I'll probably get back on them and stay on them. I know there have been many fights between my husband and I and I am not liking it. He doesn't know I'm off of them and probably thinks I'm just losing my mind! And he may be right.
We've been married 40 years. I've reached the ripe old age of 59, and I've let him live to 61, although he tried to check out early, when he had the heart attack that seems to have caused a fundamental change in him that he doesn't see or hear. I discovered this long before I got off the Paxil. And I think I now know why I felt it was important to try to get off of them. When I'm sufficiently up to my gills in Paxil, he can be snyde and hateful all day and I refuse to fight. If I engage at all, it's a benign response to his hateful ways. I thought that if he wanted a fght, I'd give him one. I even asked him for a divorce two weeks ago. He thinks I'm kidding. At least he doesn't want to believe I'm serious, which I am, if he can't change his ways. I know that a massive heart attack, followed by a quintuple bypass isn't aything to take lightly. However, it isn't a reason to sit and mope and blame others, either. He tends to forget that I have been disabled, officially since '98. Unofficially, I became disabled in about 96. But I had to keep putting one foot in front of another. I didn't have time to quit. When he quit school, I was more angry than you can imagine. That meant I now had to do everything, whether I had time to or not, or if I was just too tired to do it. I was taking out student loans to help keep our heads above water just a little longer. Like many things in life, that, too came to an end. When I finally quit school and applied for disability, I was $13,000 dollars in debt, and those were mostly unsubsidized loans, so much interest accrued, until I had to sigm away my right to work or go back to school, in order to have the debt forgiven. I'm not sure I like that, because it means that if I ever find myself able to go back to work, I'll have to pay all that off. It would probably follow me to my grave! And it would take a fairy godmother and an act of Congress to get me to the point of returning to the workforce. Most days I'm ok with the not going back to school thing. Other days it bothers me to know that I wasted government money on and education that I can't put to use in any other way than to write short fiction and fact online. I do have a short story in the works, it lacks some meat on it's bones and about three more chapters to be a quality piece of fiction. And I can't accept a dime for it. Well, come to think of it, if the price is right, yes I could because it would pay off the loan! Thanks! If not for this diatribe, I would have never though of that. I think I'll stop and see if I can get some breakfast in me. It just hit me that I'm hungry!
I'll talk to you soon.
Becky
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