[Edgar]

I am so desperate, my wife is napping, my cats are napping, it’s Friday afternoon, I have no obligations, I have missed an entire night of sleep and my mind is DEAD, I can’t do anything but sit and just exist, but I am NOT sleepy! I am drained, but not sleepy. My anxiety is through the roof!

I am not downplaying anyone’s suffering, but I wish, wish, WISH I could just be a normal insomniac, if I can’t be a normal sleeper. I wish I was actively fighting the urge to fall asleep, fighting naps, I wish I was losing that battle, I wish I was screwing up my sleep tonight with a nice long 2-3-4 hour nap with my wife and my cats and the rest of the working world. 🙁

I am too tired evencto cry. I can’t explain why this is happening to me, yet it’s here. I am trying to watch a movie, but my brain is just passively following the pictures on the screen. I am not laughing at the jokes because I’m way past tired, but I am NOT sleepy. Not in my armchair, not on my couch. Martin has already said this is not uncommon for insomnia, but I sure feel especially screwed up even amongst insomniacs.

I feel like I am everything – an insomniac, and OCD sufferer, anxiety sufferer.

I swear it almost feels like FFI, though I am fully aware that I don’t have it.

God, it’s horrible. I can tell I will have to quit my job, I was useless today.

Why am I exhausted during the day, but only sleepy during the night (if I’m lucky, AND if my stupid brain doesn’t fight that sleepy feeling off.)
Why is my cyrcadian rhtyhm so strong that it NEVER lets me rest during the day, and my insomnia/OCD/anxiety so strong to screw up so many nights.

And everything was going so well for a few days. Nobody deserves this.

I’m sorry for the rant. If I sleep any tonight I know I will feel differently, but as for now this is pure torture.

• This topic was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Edgar.

[Chee2308]

I would take any nap if I have the opportunity and time for it. What’s wrong with that? I stopped trying to protect my nocturnal sleep, I couldn’t care less if I can’t sleep the whole night due to a damn nap. Recovering isn’t so much about getting that perfect that 6-8 hours of sleep every single night, it is really about not being afraid anymore. Terrified of taking naps or whatever it is you are making a connection to your sleep. You really need to work on your relationship with poor sleep to get ahead! Stop focusing on the sleep part, this is really something else, it’s about being in that state of terror for god knows how long over something completely harmless and normal, which is the occasional bad night that everyone gets. Stop catastrophizing and start living your life! And besides none of this is new, we’ve all heard about your insomniac stories and your alcoholism for god knows how long already.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Chee2308.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Chee2308.

[Edgar]

You’re right, Chee. I am just repeating myself over and over again, and this post really was a desperate rant. It’s not healthy. I guess it IS time to move on from the forum.

Thanks for you reply and your support in the past. You know how hard it is when you’re on 70+ hours of no sleep, and there is no sympathetic ear anywhere.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Edgar.

[Chee2308]

Hi Edgar
Yes I do feel sorry for you. But I don’t think feeling sorry or you endlessly ranting about it is going to help you much. Your life still goes on despite the lack of sleep and so does everyone else’s. Perhaps you should think about what is it really that frightens you so much about sleeping poorly. Must you have a perfect sleep every night? Nobody gets that, not even the best sleepers! So how many times have you gone through this when you slogged on with your day despite sleeping poorly the night before? Considering your long history, it must be a hell lot of times! But to still not let it go by now is pretty astonishing to me, it’s super human!

[RavenOfNight]

Hey man !

Just wondering , how are you been ? 🙂
I’m not a expert or anything but you know i can understand what you been through.
If you need to speak with anyone , i’m here.

Best of luck brother !

[Edgar]

Hey, Chee (and Raven),

Thank you, really. I know you mean well.

I’ve asked Martin to delete my profile, since I’ve noticed as well as you have that I’m just repeating myself here and by doing so, I’m not doing good to anyone, including myself. I’ve seen your response on my hotmail, though, so I thought before Martin deletes my profile I should respond, so that we don’t leave things hanging.

What am I afraid of? I am afraid of becoming one of those people admitted to the ER for exhaustion. That’s what I’ve always been afraid of. Even though Martin and Scott (and you) have repeated many times that no matter how hard things get sleep will prevail in the end, I still can’t bring myself to entirely believe it because of my weird combination of inability to nap and difficulty to sleep. That’s why I do what I do, and that’s why I panic when I miss entire nights, because in my case there really is a strong possibility for it to turn into a series of nights (and days) unless I do something about it. There are cases of people not sleeping for days, and I’m afraid that I am a candidate for one of them. Is my fear ungrounded? – I hope so. But my inability to nap puts me highly in risk of becoming one, so I get scared. Many people in my own family sleep poorly, but none of them has a problem snoozing here and there the next day, and so neither of them is in danger of going 50, 60, 70 hours of literally not even a minute of sleep. I really believe this can one day lead me to a psychosis. But let’s hope it never does.

I hope I’ve explained it well. Also, the older I get, the harder it is to function, and the harder it is to “live like I don’t have it” – an old mantra that I told myself before I even knew what ACT is, and it worked when I was younger.

But, you’re right. Saying the same thing over and over again leads nowhere.

I wish you all enough sleep, and a solution to your problems. I don’t think we’ll ever sleep like babies again, but I do believe we can sleep enough, and in our case that is a big success.

[Jodi]

Edgar, with due respect, I think you are overreacting to someone’s opinion/someone’s post. I mean, you can leave the forum if you wish (or if you think it would be better for you), but I wouldn’t let one person’s opinion dictate what you do or do not do.

[Author]

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