Sorry to hear of that all-day panic. I can only imagine how difficult that must be and I am glad to hear that your superpower of self-advocacy led you to be in close contact with your therapist about it.
It sounds as though you have been finding it helpful to give yourself the goal of rest (something you can control) rather than making sleep happen (something you cannot) when you go to bed.
That, of course, doesn’t guarantee that sleep will happen but it does help create better conditions for sleep to happen and helps remove any pressure you might be putting on yourself to control what is out of your control.
Something that stood out to me was you saying that you were “trying to manage your brain”. That might imply that you are trying to control your brain — and that can have a similar outcome to attempts to control sleep. It sets us up for an ongoing struggle.
You don’t need to think about anything when you go to bed because sleep doesn’t care what you are thinking about! What can often make sleep so much more difficult is engaging in a battle with all these things at night, trying to fight or avoid them. After all, how likely is sleep to happen while we are waging war with insomnia and our minds?
As for whether or not it’s OK to cry at night. Why would it not be OK? Crying often comes from natural, normal, and valid human feelings and emotions. You are a human being, not a robot. Things feel difficult because they are difficult. Please be kind to yourself. You are not alone.
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