[Michael61]

Like many of you, I’ve struggled with insomnia and tried various techniques to retrain my brain for better sleep. One common recommendation in CBTi (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia) is to get out of bed if you can’t sleep and engage in something relaxing until you feel sleepy again. The idea is to break from the struggle for sleep and the negative association between the bed and this struggle.

But for me, this strategy felt like I was just taking the struggle with me. Sitting in the kitchen or trying to color felt like an exhausting effort when all I wanted was to sleep. Even when I tried relaxing activities, my mind would repeat the same mantra: “I just want to go back to bed and sleep.” The struggle wasn’t tied to my location or what I was doing; it was happening in my mind.

One night, I asked myself: “Does what I’m doing feel like struggling?” The answer was yes. Then I asked: “What do I really want to do that won’t feel like struggling?” The answer was surprisingly simple: “I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to stop trying.”

That realization led me to a new approach. Instead of forcing myself to find the “perfect relaxing activity,” I went back to bed and made doing nothing my goal. I didn’t try the AWAKE exercise, I didn’t to meditate, relax, or even sleep. I just lay there with my eyes closed and let go of any effort to do anything at all. I wasn’t trying to achieve anything—not rest, not relaxation, not sleep. I simply allowed myself to exist in that moment without trying to do anything.

I fell to sleep. I only slept for about 3 hours. The next day I felt tired. After walking my dog, I went to bed (not what you are supposed to do) but my goal was to stop trying to do anything, a very easy goal to achieve. I felt refreshed afterward. Even if I didn’t fall asleep, I didn’t feel the same sense of struggle or exhaustion. My brain and body seemed to do their own thing while I did nothing, and that was enough.

Why This Works (at Least for Me)
It removes the pressure to sleep. When you stop striving for sleep, you break the cycle of frustration that can keep you awake.
It’s genuinely restful. Doing nothing lets your body and mind rest without the effort of “trying” to relax.
It’s sustainable. This approach doesn’t require tools, techniques, or activities—it’s simply about embracing stillness.
How You Can Try This
Check in with yourself. Ask, “Does what I’m doing feel like struggling?” If the answer is yes, consider stopping.
Let go of expectations. Go back to bed, close your eyes, and give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing. Don’t aim for sleep, relaxation, or anything else.
Reframe your goal. Instead of trying to sleep, focus on not struggling. Success is simply in allowing yourself to rest without effort.
I hope this strategy resonates with some of you. It might not work for everyone, but it’s helped me break free from the mental tug-of-war that insomnia can create. Sometimes, the best way to win the struggle is to stop struggling altogether.

If you try this, I’d love to hear how it works for you—or if you’ve found your own unique strategies to deal with insomnia, feel free to share!

[hiker]

Hi Michael61, I think you are onto something here.

Perhaps one thing to watch out for is thinking: Great. I have learned to stop struggling (so far, good)……… but then concluding that I have solved the problem of insomnia. Because inevitably there will be nights when anyone doesn’t get the rest they were hoping for, and maybe this goes on for a while. In which case—at least for me—I can lapse back into thinking, I am exhausted, no relief in sight, there’s no way out etc etc., in other words, it’s the insomnia talking.

Again, I am not here to rain on your parade. I agree that just letting go and letting whatever happen is a good approach, if we can just stay there and indeed accept whatever happens. At least for myself, I can tend to overthink all this. If during a rough patch I can remind myself that okay, I am really hammered from insomnia right now, my thoughts are going crazy…..and if I can realize that and let it all float away, things start to look brighter again, regardless how I sleep.

[Chee2308]

What an excellent post. Imo, this should be the aspiration of every insomniac. Stop trying so hard to sleep. True sleep is effortless, it requires nothing and takes up nothing. It’s the trying so hard that messes everything up.

[hiker]

HI Michael61, I am glad I came back and re-read your post. I agree with Chee2308.

[Bronte]

Thank you so much to Michael61 for verbalising that. It helps me a lot to read it.
My understanding is that Martin promotes those principles in his course and predominantly uses ACTi which strips back all the use of aids to sleep and teaches acceptance. This was what attracted me to his course as I was so tired of going to bed thinking ‘what can I try tonight to help me sleep, what thoughts, meditation, cognitive games or whatever else people recommended could I try’ I was so exhausted with it!! It had become such a chore to research and find something new to try and Martin gave me the permission to do nothing!! Just as you described. It’s like finding freedom and removing all the hard work.
I still haven’t cracked actually sleeping very much but I feel better and I’ve removed the struggle, as you cleverly described, Michael61.
My next goal is to accept the negative thoughts and sit back and watch them (as someone on here suggested) and allow them to happen (as you can’t stop them) and thank my brain for trying to protect me (although I do still feel a bit cross that it does).
I did a bit better last night, about 3 hours I reckon. But I will continue to do what I want without rules and not feel drawn into trying to control sleep. Lying in bed with eyes shut just relaxing is the best start and reading a good book if sleep evades me, then trying again.
Thanks everyone and good luck!

[Psalm91]

Great post Michael61 and well written. I can certainly relate, in more ways that one.

[SRK]

Your post gave a measure of comfort. Knowing others are out there, just like me, helps.

[Ingis]

Great post. I think you are into something valuable. I have also realised that if I am able to go to bed with zero expectations and efforts is usually when I am able to get some good sleep.

However he tricky part is to not ad those together. Being okey with just doing nothing and expecting nothing.

How do you guys deal go on with this mindsett in the present of nightime axiety?

[Chee2308]

Hello @Ingis!

The gold standard to follow is to do exactly what you did when you couldn’t sleep BEFORE you had insomnia.

There must be multiple episodes in your life when you couldn’t sleep. Maybe some of those times were when you intentionally even want to remain awake, such as studying for an important exam, the night before your wedding, attending important interview, or giving an important presentation or even when you were out clubbing with your friends and having a blast. So what makes this time different??

The answer is usually, not a whole lot, nothing changed really. Your mind is just more focused about sleep this time than all the others.

So the question now really is: so how do I get back to the past when I don’t really care so much about how I sleep? Answer: Do exactly what you did before. Forget about sleep! You are alive now, so what is the proof of this? Well not being asleep or wanting to sleep all the time is that proof. Who wants to sleep all the time? Sick people. Or dead people. Why worry about sleep now, as you still have a life to live, versus much later when you are guaranteed to get unlimited amounts of it anyways? Think about that for a moment. Good luck.

[Bronte]

Agree with everyone! Michael61 has described exactly what everyone needs to do and others have endorsed this and added their own tips.
I am doing the same as Michael61 and adding in the mantra ‘it doesn’t matter if I sleep, or not’. It’s not important. Life is important and sleep is out of my control and will happen when it likes. I just need to give it the opportunity. It’s like flicking a switch in your head. Stop thinking about sleep, stop trying to control it, stop trying to use ANY aids to help you sleep. You don’t need them. As already mentioned, people who have no difficulty sleeping don’t use aids.
I’ve stopped thinking about what time I should go to bed. I go to bed when I feel sleepy. I don’t look at the clock at anytime. If I wake up in the night (which I do) I don’t check the time and I just think ‘if I don’t go back to sleep it doesn’t matter’. These thoughts seem to cancel out the anxiety. If I do get any anxious thoughts I acknowledge them, say thank you brain, but they are just thoughts and not relevant to me anymore. I don’t get out of bed (apart from to use the toilet) and sometimes I read but not for long. I am currently sleeping much better with these techniques and I’m finding I don’t even think about it anymore. Sometimes I feel tired in the day but it doesn’t matter. I’m not chasing ‘a better night tonight’ it’s just not important. I really hope others can grasp this. It really does work. Good luck everyone.

[Author]

Posts