Stop Struggling to Stop the Struggling

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  • #85259
    Michael61
    ✓ Client

      Like many of you, I’ve struggled with insomnia and tried various techniques to retrain my brain for better sleep. One common recommendation in CBTi (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia) is to get out of bed if you can’t sleep and engage in something relaxing until you feel sleepy again. The idea is to break from the struggle for sleep and the negative association between the bed and this struggle.

      But for me, this strategy felt like I was just taking the struggle with me. Sitting in the kitchen or trying to color felt like an exhausting effort when all I wanted was to sleep. Even when I tried relaxing activities, my mind would repeat the same mantra: “I just want to go back to bed and sleep.” The struggle wasn’t tied to my location or what I was doing; it was happening in my mind.

      One night, I asked myself: “Does what I’m doing feel like struggling?” The answer was yes. Then I asked: “What do I really want to do that won’t feel like struggling?” The answer was surprisingly simple: “I don’t want to do anything at all. I just want to stop trying.”

      That realization led me to a new approach. Instead of forcing myself to find the “perfect relaxing activity,” I went back to bed and made doing nothing my goal. I didn’t try the AWAKE exercise, I didn’t to meditate, relax, or even sleep. I just lay there with my eyes closed and let go of any effort to do anything at all. I wasn’t trying to achieve anything—not rest, not relaxation, not sleep. I simply allowed myself to exist in that moment without trying to do anything.

      I fell to sleep. I only slept for about 3 hours. The next day I felt tired. After walking my dog, I went to bed (not what you are supposed to do) but my goal was to stop trying to do anything, a very easy goal to achieve. I felt refreshed afterward. Even if I didn’t fall asleep, I didn’t feel the same sense of struggle or exhaustion. My brain and body seemed to do their own thing while I did nothing, and that was enough.

      Why This Works (at Least for Me)
      It removes the pressure to sleep. When you stop striving for sleep, you break the cycle of frustration that can keep you awake.
      It’s genuinely restful. Doing nothing lets your body and mind rest without the effort of “trying” to relax.
      It’s sustainable. This approach doesn’t require tools, techniques, or activities—it’s simply about embracing stillness.
      How You Can Try This
      Check in with yourself. Ask, “Does what I’m doing feel like struggling?” If the answer is yes, consider stopping.
      Let go of expectations. Go back to bed, close your eyes, and give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing. Don’t aim for sleep, relaxation, or anything else.
      Reframe your goal. Instead of trying to sleep, focus on not struggling. Success is simply in allowing yourself to rest without effort.
      I hope this strategy resonates with some of you. It might not work for everyone, but it’s helped me break free from the mental tug-of-war that insomnia can create. Sometimes, the best way to win the struggle is to stop struggling altogether.

      If you try this, I’d love to hear how it works for you—or if you’ve found your own unique strategies to deal with insomnia, feel free to share!

      #85597
      hiker
      ✓ Client

        Hi Michael61, I think you are onto something here.

        Perhaps one thing to watch out for is thinking: Great. I have learned to stop struggling (so far, good)……… but then concluding that I have solved the problem of insomnia. Because inevitably there will be nights when anyone doesn’t get the rest they were hoping for, and maybe this goes on for a while. In which case—at least for me—I can lapse back into thinking, I am exhausted, no relief in sight, there’s no way out etc etc., in other words, it’s the insomnia talking.

        Again, I am not here to rain on your parade. I agree that just letting go and letting whatever happen is a good approach, if we can just stay there and indeed accept whatever happens. At least for myself, I can tend to overthink all this. If during a rough patch I can remind myself that okay, I am really hammered from insomnia right now, my thoughts are going crazy…..and if I can realize that and let it all float away, things start to look brighter again, regardless how I sleep.

        #85629
        Chee2308
        ✓ Client

          What an excellent post. Imo, this should be the aspiration of every insomniac. Stop trying so hard to sleep. True sleep is effortless, it requires nothing and takes up nothing. It’s the trying so hard that messes everything up.

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