[Tessishere]

So I made this account for my husband to post and ask questions for him.

Honestly when he was really in the worst part of his journey he couldn’t even form coherent sentences for an extended period of time or focus long enough to even do much of anything. He was barely able to go to work and even then we were cutting his workload in half. It was so hard and some days he didn’t think he could handle anything anymore.

Since he wasn’t sleeping, his body couldn’t handle daily stress and it turned into anxiety and he developed every single anxiety symptom and even symptoms his doctors (we saw four neurologists, primary care physicians, ENT’s to figure out how to ‘fix’ his insomnia and all the symptoms he was experiencing) and even they hadn’t even heard of some of what he was experiencing.

At that time he was doing CBTI (before we knew of this forum and Martin) with a local woman here and honestly she wasn’t much help but my husband was desperate and wanted to just talk to anyone who knew or was experiencing what he was going through. Her CBTI was by the books and she just had him do stimulus control (getting out bed after 15 mins) and she just didn’t explain anything more about anything. This went on from July-October.

He saw little bits of success but was having such hard times falling asleep and sleeping more than an hour at time, and would have sleepless nights atleast 3-4 times a week. He at one point would go 2-3 days with no sleep to sleep one night for 3-4hrs and then go another 2-3 days of no sleep. Over and over.

Finally around November I found this forum and Martin! I began to read through some of y’all’s stories and Martin’s responses to questions and began to piece together what my husband was missing all these months.

My husband was trying to ‘fix’ his insomnia and find out all the ‘whys’ and ‘how’s’. All of this was feeding his insomnia.

I planted the seed of ‘letting go’ in November to my husband and by the end of December it finally clicked for him.

Martin says to go on with your day as if you did sleep and if you don’t sleep, you’re still going to live your life and do everything you want. Don’t let sleep dictate what you do with your life and sleep finally won’t have power over you.

When I first told my husband this, he literally couldn’t wrap his head around that idea. He told me that for months he has spent hours thinking about sleep that he felt he would never be able to ‘let go’.

Finally, on one of his sleepness nights he told me he was tired of sleep controlling his life and that he was ready to give it the middle finger and give it no more space in our lives. This was the week of Christmas.

He told me that he felt like his invasive thoughts were keeping him awake all night and after emailing Martin, he gave us the insight that battling with those thoughts is what keeps us awake. So my husband envisions those thoughts as dark clouds passing over him and that while he sees them, they hold no control and he doesn’t battle them but just sees them and let’s them pass by.

The end of December and first week of January he had a few sleepless nights and some nights with 3 or less hours of sleep but he didnt let it take up space in his mind or our lives. If he found himself worrying, he would change what he was doing. Like getting up and stretching, or play music or a podcast, etc. He also told himself that even if he doesn’t sleep, his day will be great and even if he’s sleepy or tired the day will still be his and what he makes of it.

We are now into mid-February and my husband doesn’t even think about sleep. He honestly sleeps better than I do.

I cover the clocks starting at 7pm and he goes to bed when he is ‘sleepy’ and wakes up every morning at 6am. I keep track of his sleep and he goes to bed every night between 9pm-9:30pm and pretty much sleeps through the night with maybe 1-2 wake ups at night.

He says when he lays down he will get those invasive thoughts but he says he sees them and let’s them pass and he clears his mind and falls asleep. When he would read about the success stories of letting go or not fearing the night it’s hard to even imagine that something like that could be the key but it is!

Live your life whether you sleep or not and over time your mind will realize that being awake isn’t the enemy.

[Chee2308]

Thank you for sharing your husband’s story. When you no longer fear sleeplessness, then it has no power over you. Congratulations!

[Martin Reed]

Thank you so much for sharing all these great insights!

When we start to move away from the struggle we can find that all the difficult stuff we once engaged in an endless war with might start to consume less of our attention and might start to have less of an influence over us!

And, in the absence of struggle, sleep becomes more likely and it becomes more likely that we’ll do more of the stuff that matters — even in the presence of difficulty.

—

If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Clarity program.

The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.

[nilmar]

I agree with this lady was saying, before because I was working the graveyard shift for over 35 years and I have to have 7-8 hrs of sleep in order to function well at work that I develop anxiety when ever I could not get those hours until I retired last year and 16 nights after my last shift of work I landed in the hospital with a stroke but all tests were negative- all scans so I ask the neurologists what will be my chance of having another episode of stroke( I receive TPA anyway) he said unlikely but I have to sleep better( I have sleep maintenance insomnia) and control my blood pressure so he prescribed the highest possible dose of a sleeping medicine but every time I take it it gives me do much anxiety and restlessness because I have the fear I will be dependent on sleeping pills and its effect on my brain that I will develop early dementia. I took only 3x and came back to him again and he change it to another sleeping pill but it does not work at all because I develop anxiety, once in a while I take clonazepam which help a little bit but the sleep is not restorative and I continue to search online and found CBT-I and it dies nit advocate pills at all and I decided to try it and was looking for psychologist who dies it but unfortunately I couldn’t find one in my area and someone suggested virtual but my knowledge about computers is very limited and finally I gather enough courage to ask my son to apply to this website because I like what I heard from Martin in you tube,so this will be my 2nd night, I woke up after 2 hrs of sleep but went back to sleep after maybe 5 minutes . I really agree that I allowed sleep to control me, it should be me who should control sleep although there will be some difficult nights ahead, there is no perfect nights but I am hopeful. Thank you Martin

[niamul21]

Thanks for sharing this information with us here.

[nilmar]

I am on my 1st week (6th day) and I am starting to change my attitude to sleep and so far it’s been good. I am sleeping a little better than before CBT I and hopeful that it will continue, I don’t fear that night and bed are my enemy anymore. Thank you Martin

[baggypepperowl]

I’m so glad to hear that your husband is doing so much better and that you both found some relief. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, but it’s awesome that you were able to find this forum and Martin to help guide you both through it. It’s wild how much our thoughts can impact our sleep and our overall wellbeing, but it’s great that your husband was able to let go and stop letting sleep control his life.

[Tessishere]

Nilmar That’s so great to hear! Keep going 😊 I had to continue reminding my husband that even with tough nights that it’s progress!

• This reply was modified 1 years, 2 months ago by Tessishere.

[Tessishere]

Just a little update! It’s been almost a month since my last post and here we are and my husband is continuing to sleep better than he has in months! I think his hyperarousal has finally settled down enough for him to be able to handle his intrusive thoughts and worries without it sending him spiraling into sleepless nights. He would have countless physical symptoms and now they’re fading away slowly but surely. He says he doesn’t even think about sleep at all until he is in bed and even then, the intrusive thoughts don’t bother him and he’s asleep almost instantly most nights, and if one night happens to take longer he is open to not every night looking the same and that it’s ok. It’s crazy to see how far he has come because things were so awful for so long. If my husband can overcome insomnia, I believe you can too! Give it time. Give yourself grace. And know that progress doesn’t look like only great nights. Tough nights are progress too. It’s how you handle those tough nights that result in them being part of your progress.

[Lynn M]

I’m so glad you took the time to tell your story and your husband’s story. I’m married also and it definitely affects those around us. I just didn’t know what to do. This is only my 3rd day. I am hopeful I will get better about worrying so much. And be better able to handle HIS erratic sleep behavior. He can and does fall asleep easily and anywhere in our small house and snore loudly! I have gotten anxious about not being able to consistently read quietly and journal as part of a regular bedtime routine. Then my husband feels guilty and worries about me. Martin is saying that trying so hard to control everything to get sleep actually doesn’t help. I’m hopeful that I am going to improve and it will help my marriage too!! Lynn M

[Tessishere]

Hi Lynn! It definitely affected me and changed how I view sleep as well. I have always thought I slept fine and fall asleep easily but am up random times of the night and will play games and go back to bed and never really viewed it as an issue before. But then my husband developed insomnia and he freaked when he was up or would didn’t ‘feel sleepy’ when he thought he should and then he would spiral. But I never panicked about waking up some nights and would be fine playing games or scrolling TikTok and would just go back to bed like it was nothing. That was the difference between us.
We also had to set boundaries at night because he would wake up and get himself anxious about being awake and then wake me (which I had zero issues with) but it was feeding into his insomnia and anxiety around sleep. Trust me, I know how your husband feels bc I worried about my husband SO MUCH! I wanted to fix it for him or have all the answers to make it easier for him. But it was more of a mental breakthrough he had to experience. He can’t control what happens in the night and he had to accept whatever the night brings. Whether he is awake or asleep he will be content and be at peace with himself. And it was hard for him to get to that point. It took time for him to unlearn his bad habits which I think many rush through. It took months of consistency. But he tells me now that if he struggles to fall asleep one night, he will just get up and watch his favorite show until he feels sleepy enough to lay back down. And I think him having that plan and being ‘ok’ with the possibility of not sleeping is what helps him sleep and stay asleep. 😊

[Lynn M]

This is definitely hard for my husband who has lived w me over analyzing and over thinking and having a lot of anxiety for several years. I’m actually doing better in the past 3 days and had 3 nights improved sleep when he accused me of doing something that is over analytical and you’re going to increase your anxiety! and getting upset with me. It was actually just that I need to write out a general plan for the next few days re wake up time bc of the time change followed 2 days later by a trip to change time zones and having to get up extra early for flights. So writing some of this out will help me be better prepared mentally and remind myself that this will happen and I may be tired on some days but it will be ok. It upset me that he said you’re making your anxiety worse by doing this! You’re going to have more anxiety! Well this conversation DID increase my anxiety bc I’ve been doing better. I want to write down in this forum that I need to give him grace- this has been very hard on him. He doesn’t know what to say that is more helpful. Life will bring various stresses, it’s just life. I need to let go of being upset with this conversation and remind myself that he wants to help. I’ll have to give him ideas on how to do that better!

[Ruth]

This is so good to hear! I am new to Martin and this forum after one week doing CBTi and feel desperate for help. I feel that I’m relaxed and try not to worry about not sleeping, but maybe I am worrying more than I realize. I’ve signed up for Martin’s email course and am eager to see what is new. Your post really encourages me, thank you.

[Nicki H]

Wow, this is like my story but i have only just started CBT-i…so good to hear it can turn around.

[Author]

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