[MarinaFournier]

'aimee' wrote on '18:

Many of us have at some point had a life dream, whether or not we have pursued it, and even though it may seem completely unrealistic or crazy.

What is/was yours?

When the Mercury Space Program started, I wanted to be an astronaut. At the time, the mere fact that I was female ruled me out, as well as the fact that I was below the minimum height requirement. A decade or more later, women were allowed, but I think the perfect sight requirement was still there (far sighted in one eye, with minor astigmatism in both) as well as the stupid height bit…and my math was never good enough to have led to an engineering or science degree. I was also not a pilot.

I still want very badly to walk on a planet under a different sun.

Pharmacist–scratch: the math again, preventing me from completing appropriate degrees in the appropriate time that was funded.

Librarian–scratched that in 1978, when CA's Prop 13 was voted in, and funding for public libraries went downhill. Competition for MLS positions was already fierce, and only going to get more so, due to public librarians looking to replace lost jobs. At that time, I had no car, no money for a move, and no accredited MLS program within even a two-hour bus ride. The salary for a librarian with 5 yrs increasingly responsible experience, with an MLS and a second MS, having managed funding and staff: less than $20K/yr. Can you say futile? When I was 52, I discovered that UCBerkeley had lost/dropped their MLS program, but San Jose State U. had one. Three years to complete puts me at 55, for an entry level position, for which many younger persons would be applying. In this valley, there is very much a youth culture, and that was again a no-starter. Landscape arhitect, ditto–and I only design. Not up to the hard work of implementation.

While I did take up, 30 years later, a different style of bellydancing than I engaged in while in college, I'm never going to make pro at this point–can't get my brain to let me hop or jump, and floor work/getting down to or up from the floor is NOT a pretty sight. Might change if I lost 75 lbs., but age is involved as well. I like my current troupe, but want a different style, or at least different steps & music than our troupe leader prefers. I might be able to do my-own-style solos, but I'll also have to learn to mix my own music.

I'm a good listener, but don't think I'm cut out for psych work–the wall that has to come between practitioner and client is not something I can construct. I do however help quite a few depressives and bipolars with coping with their condition. I may be helping here on this set of forums, too.

I'd be a great 10-6/8 or 9-5 concierge/dispenser of info, but I'm not able to work the other shifts, which is sort of required at the beginning. IF I knew how to advertize AND charge for such services, I'd be doing it. Probably part time only, due to current economic woes. I am very good at research and with “intuitional” leaps matching data to data and emerging with a seemingly randomly-constructed answer. It's mainly lots of seemingly unconnected bits which manage to line up in my brain and burst forth, like Venus from the head of Jove (oy, what a migraine that was!).

Aside from wanting to leave this life with the world better for my having been in it, I seem to have run out of dream. I am on the Marrow Donation Registry, and I donate blood 2-4 times a year, repaying the karmic debt I incurred at birth (Rh-incompatible parents, needed complete blood exchange at birth and however many times in my first month). I also participate in medical studies and trials as I find them. Think I'm making a dent in that wish.

At this point, refreshing my marriage would be great, but I can't change anyone but myself, and there's not much cooperation on the other end.

I have at least managed to rear my son as someone I can be proud of–after many years of inadequate medication formulas for his version of childhood-onset bipolar disorder, with its own stormy weather. We both are much more likely to be depressed than (hypo)manic, so we are inclined to stay on meds. We have a much better rapport than most parent-teen dyads, and we like each other, too.

I too would like to travel more than I have. Moving is deadly awful, but travelling is fun. Moved too often in my early life, and orchards & asparagus take years to get to bearing status, so the gardener in me really hates moving, and I have moved too often *just* before harvest. Grr.

I write essays rather than fiction. Wrote a column for a couple of years each at two defunct pagan zines.

[sleepy lies]

'MarinaFournier' wrote on '26:

Understood. Are you aware of the Spoon Theory of personal energy reserves? You seem to have fewer spoons than many with CFS/ME.

I do rather like your tag line.

I have no idea what the spoon theory is. Could you elaborate a bit?

[sleepy lies]

'sleepy wrote on '26:

I have no idea what the spoon theory is. Could you elaborate a bit?

Hey, I just found a nice website on the Spoon Theory. It's indeed a very good way to explain how I feel every day. I read some comments of other CFS/ME patients. Some of them have it a lot worse then I do.

I just hope I'm not heading down the same path. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and find new meaning in life. Right now I feel a bit useless. Also still angry that it had to happen to me.

[MarinaFournier]

'sleepy wrote on '26:

I just hope I'm not heading down the same path. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and find new meaning in life. Right now I feel a bit useless. Also still angry that it had to happen to me.

I understand the anger. When I found out that my son AND I were bipolar (same place and hour, even!) I felt awful. Here I had condemned my son to a previously undiagnosed condition I have, and had I known this–had I had an accurate dx–before May of 1993, I would never have become pregnant by choice. Within two years, though, I found that it was NOT entirely my genetic fault: his father's brother, that uncle's eldest son, and possibly their own father, A's grandfather, were bipolar as well, the nephew having the worst case, being a BP-I who hated the meds and often went without them. *He* misses his manias: we hate our depressions, thus we stay on our meds and seek to refine the dosage components so as to stay on as even a keel as we are able. He knows absolutely that I understand what he deals with, having been there myself.

I have felt useless way too much in my life, and don't care for it, myself, either.

I hope you may be able to find an online community for CFS/ME, like this one for insomnia. When I joined a list for parents of bipolar kids, I was aghast at what some parents had to endure, and just how badly out of control kids with this could get. After that, I *knew* how lucky I was. Even though the process of getting a grip on his mood cycles was hard, and some of the alleged help we had was anything but, I had never had to hospitalize him (or myself, for that matter), deal with arson or weapons pointed/used on me, face the police or child protective services/state foster care, give him up into state care because we couldn't get, or couldn't afford, the help he needed–none of that.

[sleepy lies]

At first I was a bit reluctant because on the local communities I found, there was a very negative atmosphere. But I'm not giving up! Maybe I should start a positive community myself. Although I have no idea how to do such a thing. Maybe it's time for a little study.

[aimee]

'UliHarp' wrote on '24:

Ah… life dream? I have a lot of life dreams. Foremost, I dream of being an oft-published author. There's no way I'd stop at one, two books: I know I'm going to be writing my entire life. It would be a dream come true if I wrote and published an entire wall of books. It might sound overly sentimental, but I love literature for the reason that it's timeless. Words on paper travel generations: I could write a book now, and sixty years later, my grandchildren might one day pick it off a shelf. Just the thought that the stories I write now could live far beyond me is humbling: for that reason (and others), I take a lot of pride and care in my work. At risk of rambling- I view writing/literature as something bigger than myself- and to contribute as much as possible, say leave a collection of books behind, would make me very happy at the end of my life. I probably won't stop at a wall. We're dreaming, here, so who says I can't dream for an entire library? I'll write 'till the day I kick the keyboard.

My other life dream is to live abroad in all sorts of places. Somewhere, anywhere, or everywhere. I just want to take a blind stab at a world map, go wherever my finger lands, and soak up all it has to offer. Culture, language, food, everything. I'm a curious soul that's never quite satisfied; seeing the world would be a dream come true

I definitely see the appeal in writing and have wanted to write a book for some time now. I actually started a few times but didn't get very far. I guess I'll just add that to mylist of dreams lol. It is true about books, they are timeless. When I pick up a book I feel like there is a treasure to be found or secret to be unlocked within. Well I will be waiting to see your novel on the bookshelves and when it is published I will buy a copy! I also want to do some traveling around the world. Where do you live again? I have traveled around the U.S. and Asia quite a lot but I would like to travel to as many countries as possible! I guess I will add that to the list too:-) Have you ever heard of couchsurfing.com?

[aimee]

'UliHarp' wrote on '23:

Great topic. I've felt a little out-of-the-loop here too, lately; perhaps this'll churn up some activity!

I responded to your post above but your quote didn't show up because I deleted partof it, but I also wanted to add that I had started to write a reply to you depression/insomnia/loneliness posting but it was getting so long and I had to go somewhere so I didn't get a chance to finish it

[aimee]

'sleepy wrote on '24:

It's been a while since I've been on the forum. I like this topic. So here it goes.

The first one is maybe the easiest to accomplish. I would like to learn another foreign language like swedish. I'm really fascinated by the scandinavian way of life ans I also dream of travelling to Sweden.

Secondly, since I'm also fascinated by the US, I would really like to live in the US for a short period of time. I just want to known if things really are as shown on TV and what the little differences between Europe and the US are.

I also dream of writing a book. I have ideas enough but I have difficulties to actually write them. But I'm not giving up! It's been put on hold for now, since there's so much other stuff going on right now.

And last but not least, someday I would like to go back to school. I would love to learn more about IT and become a professional. But again, that doesn't seem to mix with my current issues.

And of course I dream of getting rid of the CFS so I can go ahead and actually do something about my dreams instead of sleeping during the day and lying awake at night.

Well I would like to go to Europe. Maybe we should trade places for a week or so like that movie The Holiday!

[aimee]

'MarinaFournier' wrote on '25:

The medical care differences will appall you! Mostly, we're a friendly lot. It certainly depends on what programs you've seen as to how real that portrayal is of us.

Understood. Are you aware of the Spoon Theory of personal energy reserves? You seem to have fewer spoons than many with CFS/ME.

I do rather like your tag line.

Thank you for the encouragement Marina:-) What is the Spoon Theory?

[Martin Reed]

'sleepy wrote on '27:

At first I was a bit reluctant because on the local communities I found, there was a very negative atmosphere. But I'm not giving up! Maybe I should start a positive community myself. Although I have no idea how to do such a thing. Maybe it's time for a little study.

Just don't go forgetting about us!

—

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[MarinaFournier]

'aimee' wrote on '27:

Thank you for the encouragement Marina:-) What is the Spoon Theory?

read http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

She can say it much better than I could, and I don't know of a shorter way to say it effectively.

[yamerias]

Life dream huh? For me it would be to be as healthy as possible and never have to go to another hospital again…

[Author]

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