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Hi Bea, when I find myself not feeling rested, i.e. a rough night or two, I sometimes wonder what’s behind it. Is there something going on in my life, and it might be obvious. A tense conversation, something really disturbing in the news which I guess I didn’t get out of my head.
Sometimes it is not so obvious. And if so, I don’t spend a lot of time analyzing it. If it goes on for another night, and maybe another night, I figure okay, a setback. Because even when things are going pretty well, there are setbacks. Maybe it’s like getting a cold. Who knows where you got it, it just happened.
And let’s say it’s been 3-4 nights. I sort of watch my thoughts passing through, like watching a small branch getting carried by in the river. I might spot a stream of thoughts jumbling by which all add up to “I’m stuck here forever…the insomnia is back…my life is going downhill…why can’t I get this right etc etc. If I am really into this depressive rumination thing, it is like I have fallen into the river and am getting swept away.
But eventually I recall that these are just thoughts, I don’t have to get swept away. I can just sit by the river and watch them go by.
This might sound passive, just letting it happen. Well, it is, actually. You’ve probably figured out by now that trying to sleep doesn’t work. You can try harder at lots of things, and generally get better at them, but not with this.
So it you find that you are sleeping better, but then not, try to remember that it happens sometimes. And if you freak out for a while first, that happens too!
Take care, you are not alone.
Hi KerryWillo, the sleep anxiety is bad enough. When it morphs into panic, it’s even worse. It sounds like you are sliding downward. And suggestions can seem so simplistic: “It’s all in your head!” “Just get over it!” blah blah
Still, for me anyway, when I found myself sliding into what I think is formally called depressive rumination, i.e. that really dark place……when I could finally lean back and actually watch myself sliding down, instead of just sliding down, I could sometimes even verbally, aloud, say “I am really going through a slice of hell here.” And I could give myself a break from all the work of trying to sleep. And you know what, I’m just going to do the best I can in this moment. If I have to leave for work in ten minutes, I will just do what I can to get ready in these ten minutes. And if I don’t have to do anything for the next hour–the daily chores can wait a bit–then I’m going to give myself some free time to do whatever I want. Watch a show, read, just veg out, whatever.
The thought that “it’s all gone drastically downhill!” can feel like “it all gone drastically downhill, I’m going to crash, I am not going to recover from this, I am doomed.” A powerful but false thought, aka the insomnia talking.
I have been searching for what to write here…..then I looked up and reread the title of your post: “The struggle is real!” And I recall how tough it is when you are hammered by insomnia to see that the way forward is to stop struggling.
Hi Lozelise, my sympathies for going through insomnia and the flu at the same time. I have been there a few times. The good news is that the flu will pass anyway, although it might hang around a few days longer since you are not able to get the sleep everyone is recommending. But it will pass.
The worries can stick around indefinitely, but it sounds like you already have the skills to deal with it. You’ve already recognized sleep anxiety for what it is—a powerful thought which can seem all-consuming, but just a thought nonetheless. Hard to see that when you’re tired, I know.
I think you are going to pull out of this.
I am not a mom and have never raised a baby.
I am convinced Martin’s course is a valuable resource. But I wonder if taking on additional responsibilities like logging sleep times is what you need right now. Maybe instead just letting yourself absorb the main message–that sleep comes on its own.
Yeah, right…with a baby about to cry any minute now? But what is happening in this moment? Is baby crying and needing your attention, or have you done all you can, or is this a silent moment when you can close your eyes?
This may sound lame, coming from someone who is not going through your experience. But maybe it’s true, anyway?
Your baby is lucky to have a mother who cares so much.
Hi Daniel, if I understand you correctly, “transient insomnia” means you sleep well for a while, maybe even an extended period, but it comes back.
I doubt there are many people who sleep wonderfully every night. Maybe caffeine or alcohol late at night, or a disturbing TV show, something going on at work, or who knows why, it just happens. You just don’t sleep that well that night.
How you react to that subpar sleep can play a part in how you sleep on subsequent nights. And you’ve already discovered that no sleep med will guarantee you will get back on track.
I had trouble with chronic insomnia for many years (whole lot of reasons, not pertinent here–doesn’t mean you will at all). But even now, like everybody I’ll have a poor night’s sleep. When I do, I try to step back and say, ‘well, I hope I sleep better tonight. But if I don’t, I’ve been here before, it won’t last forever.’ In other words, trying to not have so much riding on how well I sleep.
Trying harder improves chances of success in lots of things, but not sleep.
I know, easier said than done when you get on a nasty streak of bad sleep nights. True, though.
Hi kirstypsmith, it sounds like you intellectually understand what is going on—that the anxiety about sleep itself can supersede everything. How are you supposed to sleep with this constant panic swirl?
You have gone the route of all sorts of meds. I don’t know if you have just been getting meds from physicians who aren’t exploring how all this started. Or whether you have explored. Regardless, when you “can’t take much more,” I hope you will reach out not only here, but to the Crisis Line at 988. I used to work there, so I know it’s likely you will be asked point blank: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” And most likely you will hear what I am hoping you will do. Which is to focus just on this moment. Not the next five minutes. What can you do, in this moment, to give yourself a break? And can you call us back as often as you need to?
This doesn’t mean you paste a smile on your face and say everything is peachy. You can acknowledge the truth, even if it is that right now:
1. “I am having the thought that insomnia is a monster and I can’t take this anymore.”
It is understandable to conclude that this actually means:
2. “Insomnia is a monster and I can’t take this anymore.” In other words, that 1 and 2 are the same.
But that’s the insomnia talking. Actually, 1 is true; but 2 is not. Which sounds like babbling gibberish when you are hammered by insomnia. But rather than blow this off, how about just set it aside and check out other posts. I think you will see that millions of us have been there, are there….and some posts will resonate with you more than others.
Take care, you are no way alone is this mess.
Hi Dreyo86, since you have been suffering so long, it could take some digging to find out how your anxiety originated. Some mental health professionals might dispute whether it is necessary to dig that deep. Personally, I had to do a lot of digging because of early childhood trauma and repressed (true) memories. But that might not be your situation.
What is clear: however it started, your anxiety has taken on a life of its own, hence the ongoing insomnia. I suspect the anxiety and accompanying depression would be with you even if you did not have the distractions like your noisy father and having to move to another room. These are difficulties, to be sure, but if you look into other posts and Martin’s materials, I think you will see that it’s not so much the external difficulties as how we react to them.
Clearly the anxious thoughts feel powerful, the way you describe them even when you try breathing exercises and meditation. And feeling helpless, feeling like I can’t sleep no matter what, feeling hopeless…..it can seem like this is real. Add to this the incredible importance our culture, at least in the West, accords to how we feel, and we can think this is reality.
When you are hammered from insomnia, it is hard to see that there is a huge difference between:
1. I am doomed to a life of insomnia and misery;
2. I feel like I am doomed to a life of insomnia and misery.
When I am living #2, it seems like #1 has to be true. It isn’t.
Hi langleys18, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I also had chronic insomnia unrelated to sleep apnea.
Sleep apnea is the one–in my experience, the only one–cause of insomnia which traditional Western medicine can effectively address. It is a physical abnormality, the way the palate, etc. interact. It can be technologically measured through a sleep study, supervised by a physician certified in Sleep Medicine. The solution is the CPAP, which does take getting used to. The physician will refer you a medical supply company which specializes in CPAP gear to see which type of mask/headgear works for you. You may well find a representative who uses a CPAP themselves and can relate to what you’re going through.
A CPAP machine will digitally monitor your sleep, and the physician will be able to track your progress, i.e. how many times per hour you register breath interruption, gasping or however they call it.
(Some people with sleep apnea blow off the CPAP machine and just try to pretend the apnea isn’t happening. This leads to continued insomnia caused by apnea, and there is a long-term risk of stroke if sleep apnea is not addressed.)
As I said, I had unrelated chronic insomnia beyond sleep apnea. This has meant using the CPAP to take care of the sleep apnea, then addressing the rest. This is where M.D. assistance drops off, other than prescribing a sleep med for a possible short-term effect. Much more effective is addressing how you react to the insomnia. I hope you will explore Martin’s website and read posts to see that there is help for you.
Hi Max, I am a 72 year-old man and can relate to the prostate thing. All I can do is relate to how I have handled it. You may have already addressed the strictly medical part, so I’ll try to keep it short.
Kegel sp? exercises can help control the urge to urinate during the day. Best accomplished when you do have access to a toilet but can elect not to rush to it at every slight urge. Watching the amount of liquids you drink, without abstaining to the point of dehydration. Getting a referral to a urologist, taking any prescribed prostate medication, getting PSA checked, etc. Exploring whether any emotional issues play a part, as frequent urination can be a sign of anxiety.
While most posts on this site will not address the prostate issue, a lot will address the accompanying anxiety about not getting back to sleep. This latter issue is the key. We might wake up because need to use toilet, or some other medical issue, or from job or family stress, or whatever. Or we just wake up, who knows why. What really drives insomnia is thoughts taking centerstage. What helps me most here—and it doesn’t work every night—is when I can mentally step back and watch the anxious thoughts barreling through my head. Instead of being overwhelmed by them.
I have made progress with mindfulness meditation (e.g. mindfulness northwest.com; palousemindfulness.com are a couple of free websites). Martin’s materials and course emphasize how thoughts can drive insomnia. And reading other posts can help. I think you will see that sleep anxiety is the common denominator most of us are dealing with. So much so that whatever might initially trigger insomnia, sleep anxiety alone can keep it going.
Take care, you are not alone here.
It can’t be easy for spouses or partners to live with someone suffering from insomnia. I’m sorry your husband had to go through such a rough patch, but man, is he lucky to have you sticking by him.
It sounds like you both have learned a lot. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi oldschool, it sounds like you are getting a hard dose of insomnia, for sure. And if you search around the forum, you will see you are not alone.
I know it is hard to think straight right now, when all you want to do is sleep. But as no doubt you have discovered, working hard to sleep doesn’t work. So is it possible you can step back for a few minutes, maybe 15-20, and push rewind and see if there is anything in your life over the past two months which might have triggered the insomnia. This includes anything you might have dismissed as “no big deal,” “that’s happens to everybody,” “that can’t be it,” etc. Forget logic or how you think you should have handled it, whatever it might be.
And if not, was it just just a couple of bad nights’ sleep, a common experience but perhaps something you have not personally experienced before, and it led you into “battle zone” mode? If this is it, again, nobody sleeps great every night, and a couple of nights does not have to translate into long-term insomnia.
All well and good, but here you are, where insomnia can take on a life of its own. It needs fuel to keep going. And the fuel is our thoughts. I know when I get in a bad way, invariably my thoughts have decided to take centerstage: nothing else matters, if my thought is that I am doomed to a life of misery, it just gets stronger and stronger.
On the other hand, when I realize what is happening, and can step back and check out that thought, it turns out that ……it’s just a thought. There is a huge difference between:
1. I am condemned to a life of insomnia; and
2. I’m having the thought that I am condemned to a life of insomnia.
It can be hard to see and believe the difference when you are hammered from lack of sleep. Perhaps instead of blowing this off, you can consider that yeah, I am pretty blitzed right now, maybe I can save this idea for a while even if I can’t see it right off.
Finally, meds. Even if they sort of work for a while, it is temporary. You build up a resistance and go to another med, which maybe works for a while or maybe not at all. If there were a surefire drug cure, people would be lined up for days to get it. And the grocery store magazines that guarantee great sleep, yadda yadda.
As for buying online, man, sounds risky. Palpitations? The seller does not know your medical history, possible side effects….they just want to sell you stuff. Most docs are not clued into insomnia, other than sleep apnea. Still, it might be good to get a check-up on your general health.
I hope you stick with this site and check out Martin’s info. You are not alone here.
Hi Rusty, like you I took sleep meds for years and they do lose their effectiveness over time. I got to the point of taking them only when I felt I was really up against it, as in seriously considering suicide. Even then they wouldn’t necessarily work, so I had to face down the suicidal thoughts. I saw a cognitive behavior specialist–similar to what Martin offers–and saw that my thoughts did not have to drive my actions. In fact, that my thoughts were just stuff drifting, sometimes whizzing, through my head.
Not that I got it totally figured out, and now live a live of eternal peace. I can still get irritable over you name it, a noisy neighbor, people driving too fast, not to mention more serious matters like mass shootings and political polarization. I have been able to achieve, most of the time, sort of an ability to step back and see that there is more to life than my stuff, even if it is pretty important stuff, like being able to sleep.
I hope you stick with this site and check out Martin’s podcasts, emails, etc. and consider the formal course. You can read about mindfulness or CBT, watch videos, think about it, talk about it—but there is nothing like actually doing it, on a regular basis. Sort of like working out for physical exercise, you can get better at it. And it could be that sleep will take care of itself.
I guess my only postscript here is that insomnia need not be a lifelong condition, and this is coming from someone who has dealt with it for quite a while. It is not an incurable illness (I think at present e.g., colitis or Crohn’s disease fit this category). Rather it is a condition which can pop up when something clearly stressful pops up in your life, e.g. getting laid off, car wreck. And which can hang around after the stressful event has passed—if we start obsessing about it. Yes, it is hard not to obsess about it when we want to sleep so desperately.
Sometimes when I get desperate, I get a flash of insight that I’m indeed obsessing, to the extent where I can say to myself, “I’m having the thought I am desperate for sleep. I’m having the thought that I wish I were dead rather than continue living like this.” And if I am really having the insights roll in, I realize yet again how different this mindset is from “I am desperate for sleep. I wish I were dead rather than continue living like this.” Perhaps re-reading this paragraph will help, maybe slowing down a bit. You can measure the difference in light-years, and I know it’s hard to see the difference when you are hammered from insomnia. It’s there notwithstanding.
Finally, I know it can seem like other people are having an easy time, waking up refreshed virtually every day while you are so exhausted you wonder how much longer you can take it. Fact is, millions of people did not sleep well last night, a lot of them for quite a few nights. And even those who might not have insomnia right now, odds are they are dealing with something, or just did, or will be before long. Nobody skates, though again I know it seems like it sometimes. Insomnia can really mess with your head! When I sort of come to, I realize that okay, it’s the insomnia talking again.
Hi Asiago, I got chronic insomnia at age 27 and still struggle at age 72. I always add this doesn’t mean you will —I had to address long term child trauma. But it sounds like you’ve had it quite a while.
I can say I have learned a lot and am doing a lot better than I used to. I also ran the gamut of docs and drugs. I concluded that most sleep docs don’t know that much about treatment for insomnia, other than sleep apnea.
What I found more helpful was dealing with my thoughts, which I discovered were leading me to ruminate endlessly about my condition. To the point where I was ascribing personal characteristics to insomnia, like it were some sort of monster.
I’m guessing if you’ve been at this a while, your thoughts have probably gone crazy too.
I hope you stick with this site and check out what Martin has to offer. And read others’ comments and the responses they get. Okay maybe we stumble through it at times, but I think you’ll see a pattern —-that rumination and panic and effort can get in the way.
Take care, you are definitely not alone.
Hi Yvok, I hope you can be careful about what you pick up in the media. Most articles are superficial. Sure, feeling refreshed from a good night’s sleep feels better than being hammered by insomnia. But sleep deficiency is not the same as nutritional deficiency.
Deficiency of certain vitamins leads to serious disorders. Excessive sugar can lead to diabetes. Things which can seriously damage your health or even kill you.
Believe me, I know insomnia can be a bummer. But worrying unnecessarily easily translates into sleep anxiety, a desperation for sleep, trying really hard to sleep—which, as I’m sure you’ve figured out, doesn’t work.
Please stay with this site, read people’s accounts, and I think you will see that our thoughts can be the biggest barrier to getting back to sleeping naturally, like babies do.
Take care, you are not alone in this.
