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Hello there
Thank you for reaching out. Before I go into much detail, may I put forward a question: Do you know exactly how your body makes you sleepy? How, what, when and why?
Unless you know the exact answers, so why do you feel a need to control a biological process which you have next to zero idea how it actually works? Since when and why did you make it your responsibility to manage this entire process? I can tell you the answer: it’s not your fault you can’t sleep, you wanted to control a process that was never under your control in the first place. And therein lies the problem and frustration, when you fail to control it.
Sleep works like hunger, it happens the longer you go on without it. Another factor is routine. Sleep is part of an ecosystem called the circadian rhythm that self regulates, like body temperature, feeling hungry, or the need to pee or poop, and even breathing. Do you want to control all of them?
Just set a time to get in and out of bed. Try not to worry about the rest, it regulates itself, remember? That’s all you need to do. Also, as you sleep better, which inevitably happens as you begin giving up control and becoming okay with any outcome, don’t be alarmed by waking up more during the night, adopt the concept of befriending wakefulness, because it’s okay and perfectly normal to wake up during the night. As you recover, these episodes often lessen and almost all people can fall asleep again.
Good luck and best wishes to you.
Hello Mercury
You’re doing great because you aren’t talking about sleep a lot. That’s how people with insomnia heal, they speak about it less and less often. They often reconnect with something else and they basically just move on. Keep going and my best wishes to you in the new year.
If you had a bad night, it means absolutely nothing except you had a bad night. There is nothing you can really do about it. Life has to move on, because you have other priorities in life that you need to attend to, right? An occasional poor night is never harmful or unhealthy. It is even normal because good sleepers get them too.
Here is the irony about a poor night: it is actually a sign of sleeping well not poorly. Because your sleep drive has reduced, and nothing can reduce sleep drive except sleeping.
No it won’t affect either. Having any kind of fear including fear of poor sleep won’t negate your body ability to sleep. It will still happen no matter what, like breathing. Or feeling extremely hungry after long time not eating.
No it will not affect. Because sleep is never under your control to begin with. Trying to control sleep is like trying to control your breathing, believing you need to breathe 400x a minute or bad things will happen. So you obsessively try to count your breath every minute trying to achieve that target. Instead of just trusting your body to do its job because it is never something you need to worry about.
Well sleep is like that. You think changing jobs will affect your body’s ability to sleep/breathe. And that’s exactly what you are trying to find the answer to, will changing jobs affect my sleep/breathing/appetite/digestion/pee/poo or whatever your mind is obsessed with. At this time, it’s sleep. The short answer is, whatever you do in life never affects anything that your body already knows how to do.
In the short term, there may be disruption. But this is normal, even normal sleepers get sleep disruptions when they change jobs or work environments. But the difference is they don’t worry about it and they get on with their day and their sleep returns to normal. The same will happen to anyone whether they have insomnia or not. Their sleep always settles down. Focus on the long term and not temporary results. Ultimately, you want to be like the normal sleeper again, where you no longer worry about sleep.
It’s never easy having to deal with insomnia on top of other issues. I know because I spent months dealing with exactly the same thing. It’s not easy, but doable. It takes some time. Be extremely patient with yourself. How much time is anyone’s guess. But over time, you begin to relax and trusting your body about sleep. Because your body self regulates it.
Please go easy on yourself. Don’t pressure yourself too much on too many issues all at once. Life is never easy, but it’s manageable.
Maybe I have said too much. So I’ll keep quiet now and let you digest everything. The path out of insomnia is never about pressuring or forcing yourself. You simply let it go. Over time, you start being you again and you recognize yourself becoming more like your old self pre-insomnia. Then later, you realize your sleep ability did not change. Only your thoughts about it did. Best wishes to you in the new year.
As you recover, you will start sleeping better and also, start waking up more. Don’t be alarmed by this because it is normal. Apply the concept of befriending wakefulness in bed, because it is okay and normal to wake up during the night. Most people who recover often can fall back asleep with little pressure or effort. Sleep almost always happens with the least amount of effort and with trying less, and when you also don’t treat night time wakefulness as a threat or something to avoid. Good luck and best wishes.
Hi Mercury
I think you misunderstood me. Because if you are letting insomnia/poor sleep/doing cbti dictate whether you should change job, then automatically you are already letting sleep concerns (because they are all grouped into this one big category = fear of poor sleep) influence your decision making process. What do you feel like doing if sleep isn’t a concern? Then do that, remove sleep completely from the equation.
I think it’s helpful to separate work and sleep into two distinct and independent categories. They are really not connected or related, what you decide to do in one category really doesn’t affect the other. Although in your mind, at this point, they may seem so but this connection is really only psychological and not real. You will probably start to realize this as you progress further along your recovery journey.
What I will say is, sleep doesn’t need your protection. It doesn’t need you to actively manage it. You need to be completely relaxed about it. If you are sleepy, then you are sleepy. If not sleepy, then not sleepy. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Because how/why/when you feel sleepy isn’t your fault! Don’t keep blaming yourself why you can’t sleep at designated times or why you can’t stay awake when you expect yourself to be wakeful either. Try not to perpetuate the self-blaming game. Be kind to yourself and have faith that everything will work out. Regain that trust in your own body.
Try to let go of control. The only thing you need to do is a nice comfy bed to spend a regular 6.5-7.5 hours to “rest in”. Note rest, don’t overly focus on sleep yet. Just focus on getting comfortable in bed. The rest will fall into place by itself, because your body takes care of everything else for you. Don’t track your recovery at this point, because it starts becoming elusive and the pressure to “get rid of insomnia” by so-so date almost always makes it harder to achieve, which is why you should always move on with your life, independent of sleep. Best wishes.
Hello there!
Happy holidays to you. May I attempt to answer some of your questions as I did cbti before?
1. Microsleeps are extremely common during the recovery process. They also happen to normal sleepers too. They are nothing but a sleepiness cue in my opinion. They serve to remind you that your sleep system still functions normally. They also won’t impact sleep drive in any major way in my experience. And yes, you can put your feet up in a coffee table. You can sit comfortably on the sofa and relax in any way you want before bedtime.
2. Your day job really doesn’t affect your sleep. Sleep drive only respond to routine (getting out of bed at regular times helps anchor your circadian rhythm) and thereby, the amount of wakefulness accumulated during the day. It doesn’t matter how you spend those wakeful hours, whether you are bored all day and probably dozing off here and there, or you spend those hours getting more engaged in a different working environment.
Hope this helps and may you find your way to peaceful sleep again. Remember that insomnia is mainly just fear. Anything that helps you manage this fear is always beneficial to your recovery journey. Best wishes to you and happy new year.
Hello speed
So how many of those catastrophic thoughts turned out to be true?
You had feared being trans so did you turn out that way or not? The answer is either a yes and no. And does that thought still bother you today? See how thoughts and feelings come and go? They keep changing all the time and what you think or feel today may not be relevant or important anymore in the near future. It then becomes a matter of prioritizing which thoughts are more relevant and productive to respond to and which ones are not.
If sleeping is your main concern, having sleep anxiety will not prevent sleep from happening. Because there is no such thing as zero anxiety, zero worry, or perfect sleep. Accept that some worry or concern or anxiety or having catastrophizing thoughts is normal, it’s just your brain trying to keep you safe. But you can teach your brain that you are already safe by going about your day as normal in spite of catastrophic thoughts and that you will always be okay no matter what. Best wishes to you.
Hello
Your current experience greatly mirrors mine early in my recovery journey. I got out of it using the concept of befriending wakefulness. I used to think, my sleep is ruined and I’m up early, so might as well have an early start. So did laundry, watch telly or whatever. Until they became boring and I ran out of things to do. So I decided to rest instead and what better place in the world to rest other than your own warm, comfy bed? Do not get frustrated at being waking up because this is normal and not something to be feared or hated.
I didn’t focus on trying to sleep but getting comfortable. Snuggling under the sheets and being thankful for everything. A roof over my head, a peaceful and blissful home with a loving family and wonderful soft sheets to sleep in. These are the simple joys of going to bed that most people ignore because they are laser-focused on the sleeping. And trying so hard to get that perfect 8 hours or so, which always remains elusive because you are trying too hard and have become too result-orientated.
But long story short, lo and behold, I started falling back asleep again. What started as 10 mins then morphed into 20, 30 and sometimes an entire hour or two has passed without me realizing it. Over time, I stopped tracking the hours and I just let everything unfold on its own terms.
Good luck to you and best wishes.
Hello speed
Wonderful to have a lot of people giving very good responses here.
Unfortunately, trying to make catastrophizing thoughts go away probably wouldn’t work. In my experience, the way out is to allow them to happen. Uncomfortable, yes, but allow them. And continue with your daily chores or tasks even with this discomfort. They do come and go but over time, they tend to become milder and affect you less.
How to deal with these thoughts? Try acknowledging them as being just thoughts. Or feelings. Thoughts and feelings are harmless, keep reminding yourself that. It’s just a thought or feeling. You don’t have to respond to them.
Let’s say, for example, if you’re male, a random ludicrous thought would be like, “I think you’re female.” Should you respond to that? Nope. You know the real answer because you know you’re male and the thought is incorrect. That’s how unhelpful thoughts should be treated. Yes, they are annoying but also probably false and has nothing to do with reality. You are not your thoughts and those thoughts aren’t yours to respond to. There’s the difference.
By allowing thoughts to come and go but while every single time, seeing that no danger has happened to you will allow your nervous system to reset itself and begin calming down. You can definitely do this because millions have. Best wishes to you.
Hi @MPerea
That is so absolutely common and normal. It happened to every recovering and even recovered “insomniacs”. But ultimately, because sleep is uncontrollable, there is really nothing anyone can do except getting on with their day. Sleep is governed by circadian rhythm and biological need. As long as you get out of bed at the same time, have light exposure and eat at regular times, these keep your circadian rhythm anchored and your body becomes much more likely to fall asleep when you go to bed.
Ultimately, don’t blame yourself if you can’t sleep, because it really isn’t your fault and is beyond your control. Your body will not punish you for what isn’t your fault. Letting go of control becomes easier when you can heave a sigh of relief and say, I trust my body can handle this better than my worried mind can.
Hello everyone here,
Festik has some very good points there and thank you for sharing them. But ultimately, do what feels comfortable and relaxed to you.
Many people feel just staying in bed is super relaxing and that’s what they probably should do. If you never got out of bed when you were sleepless before your insomnia, then doing this now is probably counter-productive and reinforces the idea to your brain that something is very wrong and that night time wakefulness is completely wrong and should be avoided. Could you slowly move away from that and try planting the idea that nighttime wakefulness is just as harmless as daytime wakefulness? Your brain might not make the switch immediately but try to do it slowly.
Your brain will slowly respond over time, try to be patient.Could I make a suggestion? Go to utube and find this channel calmsparrowchannel, there are lots of videos there that slowly coaxes you to let go of control and let things happen on their own naturally. Trust the process, it will work itself out. There is no need to micromanage everything, your body and the universe has everything worked out and you can just sit back, relax and try to accept things as they unfold. If you find you can’t sleep, perhaps consider laying in bed, listen to the videos on headphones on low volume, relax and absorb what the narrator is saying.
Some helpful mantra to consider repeating to yourself,
Take a deep breath and as you exhale, you are mentally saying to life, “I trust you to handle this better than my worried mind can.”Best wishes to you all.
