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@Manfred, I have struggled with insomnia and the frustrations surrounding it for many years. I’m retired now, but when I was teaching and raising my children, the overwhelming worry was how I’d be able to function the next day. As we all know, worrying about sleep doesn’t help a person sleep!
Over the years, insomnia persisted, independent of the ups and downs of life that would explain bouts of insomnia for a “normal” person. I tried all the various tips and fixes, discussed insomnia with doctors, and talked with supportive family and friends who assured me that everyone has bad nights and this too shall pass. And gradually I came to believe: There’s definitely something wrong with me. I’m unique, no one else has insomnia like this. No one can understand. People might think I either have a mental illness or drug/alcohol problem. Maybe I have really do have mental problems? There is no cure, nothing that can be done. Everyone else gets in their 8 hours, but I rarely get more than 5 or 6, and that’s got to be bad in the longrun. I can’t sleep without “something” to help. There’s something wrong with me.
Now I’m retired, my children are grown, and my life really is in a very good place. Except, I just don’t sleep well. I ruminate about it during the day and dread the nights. Not surprisingly the sleeping meds I’ve taken for years don’t work well, if at all. My crisis point came when, in the last six months or so, I had several dangerous middle-of-the-night attempts to “make myself sleep” with large doses of various meds and alcohol. I wasn’t exactly sleepwalking, because I was cognizant of what I was doing, yet not really awake either because I didn’t seem to have any ability to apply judgement. It was as if my body did this on its own, with my mind as an onlooker. It scared me. A lot.
In addition to my usual negative sleep thoughts, my mind was screaming: There’s something horribly wrong with me! No one else has this problem! Every night I face hours of misery and it’s never going to get better. My meds don’t work. I’ll just mix in some OTCs too. Nothing works! I’ll just get up and have a drink or two. Eventually, the alcohol will knock me out. But wait, what if I become an alcoholic! But I’m desperate, I have to do something. But wait, mixing all these meds and alcohol could actually kill me! But I don’t even know how to sleep anymore! I’m not normal. There is something really really wrong with me.
And so one night, going through this tug-of-war in my mind, I decided there just HAS to be a better way. My online research for a sleep clinic that wasn’t focused on sleep apnea led to CBTI, videos with Martin and a couple others, and Martin’s 2 week course. And here I am. I implemented all the components, and have worked hard on readjusting my expectations for sleep (no I shouldn’t go to bed earlier with the hope that I’ll fall asleep earlier; no I don’t need the proverbial 8 hours; no I don’t need to just lay there waiting for sleep to overtake me; no I won’t die from lack of sleep…). I’ve also come realize that I’m NOT alone, there is a way to make nighttime better, nothing I can *safely* do will “make” me sleep, and facing/letting go of the useless anxiety is a key component.
By no means am I cured. Following the CBTI instructions have been a powerful step 1. Now, I’ve got to work on really letting go and facing the anxieties of getting in bed and “just knowing” it’s going to be a miserable night. That’s going to take some time.
I have been following this thread for several days, and I want to say to all of you who’ve put out some of your deepest thoughts and fears here, thank you! Such incredible insights and suggestions you all have!
A turning point for me, and I suspect many who suffer from insomnia, has been coming to grips with the deep anxiety surrounding sleep and the belief that “something is wrong with me”. This has be a decades-long thing for me. I truly believed that, while others might suffer from insomnia now and then, I was unique in the the severity and anxiety surrounding insomnia. It means a lot to hear your stories and suggestions.
I’ve been reading and learning a lot in the last 6 weeks or so, but I’ve not done much in the way of mediation or grounding exercises. @anmareta, do you remember the name of the Netflix series that you refer to?
Thanks everyone.
Hi Robin. My father had his parathyroid removed last summer ago due to kidney disease, so I know a little bit of what you’re talking about. He had weekly blood tests and lots of monitoring for months, but again, he has a lot going on medically. Just me, but I’d think you’d want to work with your doctor before trying any sort of med.
If you’re here, you probably have been looking into CBT-I. Have you done Martin’s free two-week email course? It’s great, and he advocates “no pills” ways to address insomnia.
Hello Elizabeth. I’m pretty sure most of us here can relate to the frustration and anxiety you are feeling about sleep.
For me, I had to learn to let go of that anxiety. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
The turning point for me was a 90 minute YouTube video called “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia: The Deep Dive.” It is a round table discussion with Martin and two other therapists. So many things they said struck home for me. I learned the basic tenants of CBTI (sleep restriction, stimulus control, etc…), and that the mental side of it — facing the anxiety and not trying to “make” sleep happen– is key. I also realized I’m not alone and there is hope.
From there, I found many other short videos and articles on the web. Some are much better than others, but IMO Martin’s are among the best.
Thanks turtlestamp. I don’t see a way to PM on this board. If you ever want to email, mine is judyran at hotmail dot com.
Hello again turtlesnap! You’re not kidding our stories are similar—even our sleep window is very close. One major difference: your insomnia is relatively new and you’re getting right on top of it. Good for you! (Glad to hear the health scare turned out fine.) For me, it’s been decades.
I thought Chee had some great points. The “rabbit hole” of chasing various cures can be maddening and contribute to diminishing sleep confidence. Based on your other thread, I’m guessing you’ve already come to that conclusion.
In that 90 minute “Deep Dive” video, they talked about how people with insomnia are the “sleep hygiene experts.” And, sleep hygiene is what is used for the control group in sleep studies. Boy did that resonate!
What’s so surprising to me is that I’ve never come across CBT-I. I guess I wasn’t looking in the right place. To be honest, most of my searching in the last few years has been about ambien alternatives. But, I have talked with several doctors and others with medical or psychotherapy backgrounds over many years, and I’ve never heard of it til a month ago. Various bits and pieces, yes. But CBT-I as a coordinated therapy for insomnia? I somehow managed to miss that.
Glad you’re here and taking care of yourself. Wishing you the best!
Turtlestamp, I loved this post. I too am a “researcher.” (I had not heard of ACT-I, so of course immediately I had to go read-up on it!) But I have been thinking about your very topic.
When I first decided I had to do *something* different, like you, I spent a good deal of my days researching. The most helpful thing at first was a 90 minute round-table discussion on youtube with Martin Reed and two other sleep therapists. From there, I was off and running. I did the free two-week emails from Martin, kept a fairly detailed sleep diary, and spent a lot of time reading online and watching videos online.
What I haven’t done yet is read a good book on insomnia, rather surprising since I’m a reader. But, I tend to read mostly at night, and I’ve been thinking that reading on insomnia at the same time I’m trying to free myself from insomnia may not be helpful. If I do decide to read books, are the two you mentioned both worthwhile?
I’ve only been on this forum for a few days, but having spent some time at night on the forum, I quickly realized that’s a bad idea. Someone here compared insomnia to a bully. The less attention paid to it the more likely it is to leave you alone.
Thank you Chee. I know the feeling well, but I didn’t have that name for it. I usually referred to it as “dragging my butt out of bed…” 🙂 And I totally agree, dismantling misconceptions has been essential for me to address insomnia.
Anmareta, great you’re building sleep confidence! That is something I don’t think we usually put words to, but it’s so true! I found it really helpful to know I have a “plan” for when I can’t sleep, rather than laying there getting frustrated while I try all kinds of tricks to “make” myself sleep. And yes, it does feel kindof like a yo-yo, especially the first week, but my experience is that I am having fewer times when I need to get out of bed as time goes on. You’re so right, letting go of the belief that I should be able to control going to sleep makes a big difference.
Thank you Line. I’m fairly new to CBTI, but I’m feeling confident and hoping I can post something similar to you 6 months from now!
anmareta, I had the 2 week email course from Martin Reed. It was great. Lots of insight and support.
Thank you. I should add, I also benefited greatly from Martin’s free two-week email course. How I looked forward to those emails with new insights and something to think about each day!
Anmareta, I am no expert. I can only speak from personal experience.
I have taken prescription sleeping meds for about 15 years now. At first, they changed my life. But gradually, I had to take more and more and they worked less and less. By now, a normal dose really has no effect. It’s just a psychological dependency. And I don’t feel real good about that.
I only learned about CBT-I a month ago. I decided to give the techniques a genuine try, but not to stop the meds right away. In the short term, what I’m taking isn’t hurting me. And I didn’t want to change anything while I took a new approach, because then there’d be no way to know if any set-backs were due to the change in meds or that the new strategies didn’t work for me. I also didn’t want to reach for the meds if I had a ‘bad’ night, only to eventually fall asleep and reinforce my “need” for them.
Now a month later, I’m having good success with CBT-I. I’ve re-framed the way I think about sleep and all the anxiety that goes with it. I’m more confident that natural sleep is possible, so I’ve started tapering off the meds. Someone on this forum mentioned the strategy of taking it earlier and earlier while tapering, and when nothing happens, it just reinforces the fact that the meds really don’t do anything anymore. I will give that a try. But that’s just me. Others simply stop. Others have made the decision to continue.
I hear your frustration and anxiety. I felt like “Why can’t I ever sleep? There must be something wrong with me!” And I personally didn’t like the path I was going down with more and more drugs (meds) and alcohol. I hope you will take a look at why you feel like a “failure” though. Those of us who’ve suffered with insomnia and all that goes with it know, it’s very real and very stressful.
Best wishes.
38 years, huh. Your story could be mine! Did you find that over the years that insomnia was sort of brushed off as something everyone has now and then… or due to motherhood… or something must be bothering you… or post-menopause… or….? But no real solutions, short of meds, which stop working after a while.
It’s still shocking to me that I went all that time without even knowing about CBT-I.
