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Welcome to the forum! It sounds as though you’ve learned a lot on your journey. You made the decision that medication wasn’t for you and, with that decision, you learned that your body can generate seven hours of sleep without medication. You’ve also learned that anxiety comes and goes — so trying to fight or avoid it might not be a workable strategy.
What do you feel is the best way to respond to those nights when sleep doesn’t happen as you want it to, based on what you’ve learned so far?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Sleepiness is a good clue that conditions are good for sleep to happen — but the absence of sleepiness doesn’t mean sleep won’t or can’t happen. (And, to clarify, sleepiness is more to do with difficulty remaining awake rather than feeling worn out and fatigued.)
When you don’t feel sleepy, are you in bed or are you out of bed? If you are in bed, perhaps there’s no need to do anything if you are feeling comfortable. If you are not in bed, you have two choices — you can stay out of bed until sleepiness shows up (even if that means an entire night being out of bed) or you can go to bed, rest, and give sleep the opportunity to show up.
Which of those options feels most workable to you?
PS: “Second suffering” is an insightful term. That can definitely happen if we respond to difficult nights in certain ways. What does “second suffering” mean to you, and how is it created?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You’ve been through a lot over the past few months. You’ve overcome a lot and you’ve learned a lot. You’ve demonstrated resilience.
It sounds as though you might be evaluating the effectiveness of sleep restriction based on the amount or type of sleep you are getting each night. Since your experience seems to tell you that you cannot make a certain amount or type of sleep happen through effort, that might set you up for some ongoing struggle.
Sleep restriction is really intended to help you move away from chasing after sleep — it stops you from doing things like going to bed earlier in an attempt to make sleep happen, it stops you from staying in bed later in the morning in an attempt to make sleep happen. And, it comes with the bonuses of strengthening your body clock (with the consistent out of bed time in the morning) and ensuring enough time to build sleep pressure to help create good conditions for sleep at night.
It might take more than a few nights of doing something new before you can draw any meaningful conclusions from what you’re doing — I’d suggest giving anything “new” at least two weeks of committed action before reflecting on whether or not it’s helping.
As for getting out of bed when you can’t sleep, personally I don’t think it’s necessary — but you are the expert on you! What I think can be helpful is ensuring that you aren’t struggling and battling away when awake in bed — because that’s not usually pleasant and it turns the bed into a battleground!
Is there anything useful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Apologies for the delay in responding — I just found this post in the public forum, so I’ve moved it here based on when you posted, and I suspect you have gained a lot of knowledge and experience on this since then!
Your experience tells you that, just as you cannot control sleep through effort, you cannot permanently delete or change the thoughts and feelings that show up as your problem-solving brain does its job of looking out for you.
You can, however, always control how you respond to all this difficult stuff when it shows up. How are you responding to difficult thoughts and feelings when you wake during the night now, and what are you learning from that?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
When you were sleeping well, there were no routines, rules, or rituals. You lived your life independently of sleep.
When insomnia showed up, your strengths of problem-solving and self-advocacy rose the surface. You engaged in routines. Your actions served your desire to make sleep happen, rather than you and the life you want to live. And, sleep didn’t improve. You struggled more.
Based on your experience and what you’ve learned on your journey so far, what might be a helpful way to move forward? What will you gain if you continue to engage in evening rules and routines? What will you gain if you live your evenings doing what you want to do?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It makes complete sense that you want to avoid having that first totally sleepless night (and your experience tells you that you cannot make sleep happen through effort).
It makes complete sense that you want to get rid of anxiety (and your experience tells you that the more you try to fight or avoid anxiety the more powerful and influential it becomes).
Thanks to your superpowers of self-awareness and self-reflection, you’ve identified that you need a new strategy. What might that look like, based on what you’ve learned on your journey so far?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing those insights! Other than being new concepts, what made those ideas really resonate with you?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
@Burger: You’ve taken a lot of action over the past month or so. You’ve dismantled your sleep rituals. You’ve weaned yourself of those sleep aids. You are acting in ways that better reflect who you are and the life you want to live. You are getting your life back from insomnia.
And, you are learning a lot. Your experience tells you that you haven’t lost the ability to sleep. And, if your experience tells you that, why does it matter what any thoughts might say to the contrary?
My experience tells me that I can’t guess the winning lottery numbers. Sometimes my brain claims to tell me the winning lottery numbers. And yet, it’s never right — so I choose to acknowledge what it’s telling me, thank it for doing its best to look out for me, and spend my money on something else 🙂
If sleeping on the sofa right now is the best thing for you to do, then that’s the best thing for you to do. You get to decide if or when you’ll stop doing that because you have control over your actions.
@stellas: You want to sleep in bed beside your husband and, because you want to avoid being awake at night, you are sleeping in your guest room instead. You get to decide when (or if) that will change — because you are in control of your actions and you are the expert on you!—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thank you for sharing your uncertainty!
No part of the AWAKE exercise is intended to control thoughts — in fact, the AWAKE exercise is intended to help you build skill in doing the exact opposite.
It’s about Acknowledging what you are thinking and feeling, noticing Where in your body those thoughts and feelings might be showing up, Allowing it all to exist, being Kind to yourself, and allowing yourself to Experience being awake with less struggle.
So, the intention is to help you practice building skill in experiencing wakefulness and all the difficult thoughts and feelings that can come with it with less struggle. Giving you the opportunity to be more of a curious observer of what’s showing up, rather than an opponent who is trying to fight and resist what’s showing up.
As you pointed out, trying to distract your mind, trying to control your thoughts, trying to make sleep happen, are all exercises in futility! You have noticed less struggle as you’ve practiced allowing your mind to think what it wants to think (which is part of the AWAKE exercise).
As you guessed, if you practice the AWAKE exercise thinking it’s supposed to distract your mind, control your thoughts, or make sleep happen, it’s not going to do anything for you 🙂
You might want to revisit the lessons on the AWAKE exercise again so you are clear on the intent and purpose of the exercise. Many people find it really helpful to revisit those lessons more than once — there’s a lot to take in!
With all this being said, no exercise is going to be universally useful for everyone — you are the expert on you!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
@sipkova: Nights can always get worse. Nights can always get better. Days can always get worse. Days can always get better. Nothing unusual with any of those things 🙂
What is your goal when you practice the AWAKE exercise? If you don’t practice the AWAKE exercise when you find yourself struggling, what’s your alternative response going to be?
@DWard51: Good on you for getting some practice in with the AWAKE exercise. Not everyone will find it helpful (everyone is different) — and you are the expert on you! What I would say here is that the AWAKE exercise isn’t supposed to get rid of anxiety, make calmness happen, or make sleep happen — and if that’s your goal when you practice, it’s unlikely to do much for you.—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You aren’t alone, Davina — and you are also only a couple of weeks into a six week course (which also comes with six months of access to all the materials and this client forum).
If you reflect on something you are skilled at today, how long did it take you to develop those skills? If it was longer than a couple of weeks, perhaps it might be worth being a little kinder and more accommodating to yourself if you find yourself struggling?
You seem to be (completely understandably!) measuring progress based on how you sleep from night to night. If sleep is out of your control, how might that way of measuring progress set you up for some ongoing struggle? What might some other, more controllable, measures of progress be?
What matters now is that you are continuing to take action. You know from experience that your old approach (and response) to all this difficult stuff didn’t work. You are committed to a new approach. You are practicing and building skill with the AWAKE exercise — and, it’s important to remember, that the AWAKE exercise is not intended to make sleep happen.
As you know, sleep is out of your control. The more you try to make it happen, the more difficult it becomes. The AWAKE exercise is intended to help you build skill in responding to being awake (and all the thoughts and feelings that can come with it) with less struggle.
And, like with any skills, it requires ongoing practice — and there will always be ups and downs on your journey forward.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
The AWAKE exercise can sometimes come with the bonus side-effect of sleep — and that’s not the intention 🙂
The intention is to practice building skill in experiencing wakefulness (and any thoughts and feelings that might show up with it) with less struggle — just as you described, @louismerlin!
Of course, when there’s less struggle then conditions for sleep tend to be better but there’s never any guarantees here because sleep is out of our direct control.
@louismerlin: Your practice of the AWAKE exercise has given you more awareness of where difficult thoughts and feelings show up in your body — and, with that awareness, you are finding that you are better able to accept those thoughts and feelings with an attitude of kindness and perhaps even some curiosity.
@Janie: You plan to remind yourself that being awake at night is normal and practice allowing yourself to do whatever you want to do in response. You are giving yourself flexibility. You are not making yourself yo-yo in and out of bed.Perhaps the theme here is this: when we relinquish control over sleep, we give sleep the best opportunity to take care of itself.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Some fantastic insights here — thank you both for sharing!
Insight 1: When we are less resistant to certain thoughts, they tend to show up less often (and can be less distracting, powerful, and influential when they do show up),
Insight 2: Refocusing your attention on where you are, what you are doing (and what you want to be doing) when difficult or distracting thoughts show up helps you strip them of their power and influence,
Insight 3: Thanking your brain for looking out for you is a reminder that your brain is never an enemy or an adversary. It’s providing you with information (that might or might not be helpful, accurate, or useful) and it’s doing that because it’s looking out for you! You are also telling your brain that you are listening so it doesn’t have to keep yelling even louder 🙂
Insight 4: Giving up the resistance, the attempts to control, and the battling can be a HUGE relief and a weight off your shoulders. It also frees up energy and attention so you are better able to do more of what matters.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds as though you are noticing a change happening and that’s down to your own commitment to action.
Acknowledgement is the first step to experiencing stuff you might prefer not to experience (yet is out of your control) with less struggle and more acceptance.
As you’ve refocused on actions that reflect your values and keep you moving toward the life you want to live (independently of sleep) you’ve noticed that all those sleep-related thoughts become more like occasional background noise rather than massive concert speakers!
There will, of course, be ups and downs as you continue to move forward — and every up and every down is an opportunity to learn and an opportunity to continue responding in a way that feels workable to you!
I wish you all the best!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing your main “takeaways” from the course, Raju!
You recognize that sleep cannot be controlled, you have found it helpful to practice being present and to live in the moment, and you are mindful not to chase after sleep at night.
I am curious — which parts of the course do you feel suggested that you should try to control your thoughts and feelings? How have you been doing that, and how successful have you been with that strategy?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
