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Hello @Lin 🙂
You have been reminded that sleep is out of your control and that it’s not always going to happen as you want it to happen. And, that can be disappointing and frustrating to experience.
It can be hard to figure out exactly why sleep doesn’t always happen as we want it to (although we know that chasing after a certain amount or type of sleep often makes it more elusive).
What might be more important is how we respond when that happens — because our response is always within our control (unlike sleep) and our response determines whether we get pulled back into a struggle or continue to move in the direction we want to be heading.
It sounds like you don’t want sleep to be the focus of your attention. What do you need to do to keep moving toward that goal?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
That desire is normal, valid, and understandable — you want to sleep just like your husband does!
As for how to cope with that desire and those feelings… how do you currently respond to them when they show up, and what have you been learning from that?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing all these insights, @jmluceno!
You found it reassuring to learn the difference between sleep deprivation and insomnia, and about your body’s natural ability to generate, compensate for, and adjust sleep (and sleep architecture) based on what it needs.
Understanding that sleep happens no matter what you might be thinking (and no matter how those thoughts feel) has helped lift the pressure you might have been putting on yourself to fight or avoid certain thoughts and feelings.
You have a clear awareness that sleep is out of your control and that the more you try to make a certain amount or type of sleep happen, the more you struggle.
Not only are you picking up insights like these to draw from as you continue to move forward, you are also putting into practice what is being shared on the course. You are taking action. You are building and developing skills that will move you in the direction you want to be heading!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing your experience, @dkreasoner!
The more you tried to make seep happen and the more you tried to get rid of anxiety, the more you struggled. The podcast taught you that you weren’t alone.
You decided to take control over your life back. Your actions once again reflected your values and served you and the life you wanted to live rather than sleep and insomnia. That stripped insomnia of its power and influence.
You practiced and developed skill in accepting whatever was happening at night (instead of going to war). The result was less struggle (with whatever was going on) and it came with the bonus of getting some TV time and reading in!
With less struggle you have more energy (and attention) to live the life you want to live. You have left sleep to take care of itself and that has given it the best opportunity to do just that!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello again @Elore_07 and thanks for taking the time to reflect and share!
Not putting pressure on yourself to sleep is one idea you shared. What would you be doing differently if you weren’t putting pressure on yourself to make sleep happen?
As for being attached to a certain bedtime, that makes complete sense — it can feel safe! And, as @dkreasoner shared, it can also be a potential source of ongoing struggle if going to bed at a certain time is an action that’s not moving you closer to where you want to be.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds like you have a problem-solving brain that’s doing its job of looking out for you. It’s reminding you of past experiences that were hard so you might identify opportunities to deal with them in a different way in the future.
As you reflect on that experience of feeling lonely as you tried to make sleep happen — what did you learn and what can you do with that knowledge to help you move forward?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Evie and welcome to the forum!
It’s OK to not like certain thoughts and feelings and it’s OK to want them gone. That desire is totally valid, understandable, and human!
So, there’s no need to try to convince yourself of anything you don’t believe. As you shared, thoughts and feelings can be accurate and helpful. And sometimes they can be inaccurate and unhelpful.
What many people describe on the podcast is that the weight — the power, influence, and difficulty — of all those thoughts and feelings can become a bit lighter when they move away from trying to fight or avoid them. When they gain skill in making space for them to come and go (even if they’d rather not experience them at all).
As your experience tells you, you cannot control what thoughts and feelings show up (or how long they stick around for). You can control how you respond to them. And your response might determine the amount of power and influence they have over your life.
With that being said, these are just my thoughts — you are the expert on you. I hope there’s something useful here.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
That sure can feel strange and it’s not unusual!
Studies have also found that people with insomnia tend to underestimate the amount of sleep they get while people without insomnia tend to overestimate the amount of sleep they get.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing your progress 🙂
You are clearly developing skill in experiencing wakefulness with less struggle, thanks to your ongoing commitment to workable action (getting the practice in)!
You have identified the appearance of a specific feeling — fear — as something that can create a struggle. The NOW exercise is helping you refocus your attention during the day and you seem to be unsure of how to respond to the presence of that feeling at night.
As you know, there’s no way to permanently delete fear (and that’s probably a good thing for survival!) — but you always have control over how you respond to it.
As the expert on yourself, what actions could you practice that might help you train your brain that something it generates fear about isn’t actually a threat?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Lin!
Thanks for sharing that you are finding this course to be clear and informative — and thank you for asking such a great question when you noticed some confusion showing up!
Struggle might look different from person to person. Typically, I’d suggest it’s a symptom of trying to control what is out of our control and/or acting in a way that keeps us feeling stuck (or that seems to make things even more difficult).
To use your examples:
If you wake early or during the night but feel quite relaxed and happy to rest?
Being awake, feeling comfortable, and resting — that doesn’t sound like a struggle.
Or If you wake and are tossing and turning and unhappy, feeling anxious etc.
Being awake and trying to make sleep happen, battling with all the thoughts and feelings that show up — that sounds like a struggle.
Does this make things any clearer? It’s OK to say no!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Your experience is very common, @Elore_07 — and it’s totally understandable that you are feeling low and frustrated at this point. They are normal human emotions and feelings.
First of all, it might be worth emphasizing that sleep restriction cannot make a certain amount or type of sleep happen because, as your experience seems to be telling you, sleep is out of your control.
A sleep window is more of a tool that to help you move away from chasing after sleep — something that can make it more elusive and more difficult.
You have noticed that earlier in the night when there is perhaps no pressure, effort, intention, or desire to sleep you feel very sleepy and might even find it hard to stay awake.
When it gets to midnight and it’s time to go to bed, something seems to change. Perhaps your problem-solving brain is firing up to protect you from the threat of being awake at night and from the battle or struggle it predicts is about to happen?
Does that sound like a possibility? If so, what might be a workable way to respond?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Here you go: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1087079218300741
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
There are no silly questions, Lin — and you actually answered it well yourself.
Let’s say someone averages three hours of sleep at night and they go to bed at 9:00 PM or 10:00 PM and get out of bed at 6:00 AM — they are probably following that kind of sleep schedule because they are chasing after the goal of achieving around eight hours of sleep.
Another example might be the person that usually gets out of bed around 6:00 AM but after a really difficult night they stay in bed until 7 AM, 8 AM, 9 AM, 10 AM, or later to chase after some more sleep.
A sleep window gives you an earliest possible bedtime and a final out of bed time, regardless of what happens from night to night. With those guardrails in place it might be harder to chase after sleep by going to bed earlier (or staying in bed later) or allotting a lot more time for sleep each night compared to the amount of sleep that is usually happening each night.
Does that help bring some additional clarity? It’s OK to say no if this is still unclear!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
The most appropriate and useful time to get some practice in with the AWAKE exercise might be exactly when you don’t feel calm — when you notice the appearance of that anger and that pounding heart and find yourself getting pulled into a struggle.
At that time, you have the opportunity to Acknowledge what you are feeling, notice Where you feel it in your body, practice Allowing it to exist as an observer rather than an opponent, and be Kind to yourself when it’s present. You practice and build skill in Experiencing all that stuff with a bit less struggle.
I don’t know what you can do that is low-key and relaxing when you are awake because that tends to be different for everyone. It doesn’t really matter what you do — as long as you aren’t battling and struggling, trying to control what your experience tells you is out of your control.
What kind of activity might be more pleasant compared to battling and struggling?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
When there’s no intention, effort, or pressure to make sleep happen you feel very sleepy. When you move to your bed that changes and you feel wide awake. Your problem-solving brain prepares you for battle.
Any kind of physical activity can make sleep more difficult before the sleep window begins since it’s hard to fall asleep when we are physically moving. So, no need to overthink this too much. Any of the things you mentioned would be examples of movement that can help keep you awake until the sleep window begins.
This might also be a good time to reflect on what you’ve identified as the crux of the problem. What opportunities might there be to shift that intention, effort, or pressure to make sleep happen once you move to the bed?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
