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That fuzziness makes total sense!
Let’s try turning to your experience as a guide and see if that offers any help.
Before sleep was an issue or a concern, what was your cue or prompt to go to bed?
Before sleep was an issue or a concern, did you spend much time considering what kind of activities are “allowable” or appropriate at night? Did you experiment with certain activities or avoid/restrict others in an attempt to protect your sleep?
Any insights there?
A few more questions that might help:
If you’re not really struggling with wakefulness when it shows up, why does it matter if you might spend some time awake in bed and why does it matter what time you get sleepy and why does it matter when you go to bed?
Finally, what’s more likely to keep you moving toward the kind of life you want to live? Doing things that matter when you are awake or trying to control/protect sleep? And, what’s a more workable strategy?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing — it sounds as though what you might take from this is that your focus appears to be on controlling or being influenced by your feelings (which your experience might tell you cannot be controlled) versus your actions (which can always be controlled).
This is where we can easily get tripped up because, in an attempt to control our feelings or our thoughts or our sleep, we can end up doing less of the things that matter to us. This, in turn, can create more of a struggle as we get pulled away from the life we want to live.
A couple of key insights I noticed in your post about what would happen if that Genie granted those wishes:
“I would feel more free to do the things I wanted to do”
“If I felt like watching a movie after the kids went to sleep I would do just that”It seems as though some of the actions that are important to you (actions you can control) are tied to how you feel or how you might feel or how you might sleep (all things your experience might tell you cannot be directly or permanently controlled).
So, you might be missing out on doing things that matter even though missing out still doesn’t permanently get rid of certain feelings, thoughts, or nighttime wakefulness itself.
How might things be different if you did the things that mattered to you, independently of how you felt (or how you might feel) and independently of sleep?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing, Czor!
Remember that we aren’t trying to make ourselves calm or get rid of anxiety since trying to do so can pull us into a struggle — the goal is to experience anxiety with less struggle, since it’s the struggle that comes from trying to fight or avoid anxiety that usually makes it so much more difficult!
With that being said, as we become more skilled in experiencing the full range of human thoughts and feelings with less struggle, we might feel more calm or less anxious — that’s just a bonus, though (and feel free to enjoy, of course)!
When is the next kickboxing session?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Yours is an experience shared with many others, @emandk!
The thing about sleepiness is it doesn’t really “go away” — the longer we are awake, the stronger sleepiness becomes.
What can happen is if the brain has learned to associate going to bed with a struggle, it can believe that wakefulness is a threat — and so it fires up to protect you.
So, earlier in the night when you know you aren’t about to go to bed, you feel sleepy. As bedtime approaches (or arrives) you can feel wide awake.
This is a survival mechanism — without it, none of us would have been alive since we’d all have fallen asleep in the face of danger!
So, it can definitely feel as though we can lose that sleepiness and that it’s “gone forever” but that’s not really the case. It’s just that the mind is temporarily suppressing it to protect us.
When the mind decides that there is no threat, sleepiness is no longer suppressed and we can feel sleepy again. And yet, even if the mind decides to remain in “alert mode” 24/7, sleep will still happen in the end because it’s impossible to stay awake indefinitely.
So, with all this in mind, what can we do — since it’s probably not too helpful for the mind to become really alert when we want to sleep, right?
Well, if your experience tells you that sleep cannot be directly or permanently controlled, it might be worth looking to what can be controlled — actions.
So, through our actions we can help train the brain that wakefulness isn’t a threat that it needs to be quite so alert to “protect” us from. We can do this by moving away from effort — by moving away from trying to make sleep happen, from trying to get rid of wakefulness, from trying to fight or avoid the difficult thoughts and feelings that can come with wakefulness, and by continuing to do things that matter independently of sleep.
These are all things we’ll be exploring in a lot more detail as the course progresses!
In the meantime, I would suggest basing your sleep window on a start and end time that is aligned with the kind of life you want to live. It’s often helpful to start with the end time and to count back a duration from there.
Remember that the goal with the sleep window isn’t to make sleep happen or to get rid of wakefulness. The goal is to move away from chasing after sleep (for example, by going to bed earlier at night or staying in bed later in the morning in an attempt to make more sleep happen).
With that in mind, what truly matters is going to bed when you feel ready to go to bed (sleepy for sleep rather than only desiring sleep) and it can also be helpful to maintain a consistent out of bed time, independently of how each night goes.
I hope there’s something useful here!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds as though you’re on the right track, Nicki!
Ups and downs are a normal part of any journey. If we see a mountain in the distance and decide we want to climb it we might do a bit of research (and training!) first and then head off.
As we embark on the journey, we’ll likely find some parts really easy. Other parts will be more difficult. We might also stumble and trip from time to time, right?
Of course, when the journey is easy we usually feel good. We want to keep that feeling around and we want the journey to continue to be easy. Progress is fast and so easy!
When we hit the difficult parts of the journey we might stop and try to figure things out. We might stop in an attempt to work out why we tripped or stumbled. We might stop in an attempt to get rid of the difficult thoughts and feelings that come when a setback happens. We might stop and put our detective hat on to try to figure out why this part of the journey is hard.
Of course, every time we stop we don’t get any closer to the top of the mountain, right? As we “troubleshoot” and try to figure out how to get rid of the difficult stuff — the “speed bumps” — we also spend energy and attention on that, rather than the journey itself. We also might miss out on everything else that’s around us. The trees. The birds. The smells. Where we are and what we are doing.
So, perhaps what matters most is acknowledging that this journey will have difficult parts. That there will be ups and downs. To be kind to yourself when things feel difficult. And to continue on, regardless?
Is there anything useful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You’re welcome — I wish you all the best!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Many people feel very sleepy before their sleep window begins — and that’s one of the short-term goals; to generate a clear and obvious sense of sleepiness.
Before sleep was an issue or a concern, roughly what time did you go to bed at night and what time did you usually get out of bed to start your day in the morning and how did you come up with your chosen sleep window of midnight to 6:00 AM?
In terms of how long it takes, the answer is “it depends”. If your goal with the sleep window is to make sleep happen or get rid of wakefulness it might be setting you up for a struggle since sleep cannot be controlled — a sleep window is simply intended to help us move away from chasing after sleep 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Zu — I don’t have an app and I don’t usually suggest tracking sleep these days. I suspect you might be thinking of the app developed by the VA — in which case, your question would be best directed to them.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
That sounds tough, Rose. It sounds as though you have one of those minds that takes its job of looking out for you very seriously. So, it is generating a lot of thoughts and feelings in an effort to remind you of what matters, to protect you, and to look out for you.
I wonder if your own experience might be a helpful guide on a workable way of responding to fear?
Can you think of other times when you’ve experienced fear? If so, what did you learn from those experiences? Was there important information contained within that fear? Were there times when that fear was really helpful? Were there times when it was less helpful? How did you respond to the appearance of fear?
In your experience, are you still able to act in ways that are important to you, even in the presence of fear? In your experience, is it possible to permanently fight or avoid fear?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It’s great to hear that you got back into kickboxing, Czor!
Exercising cannot make sleep happen and when we do anything with the intent/goal of making sleep happen, we can set ourselves up for a struggle — particularly if our experience tells us that we cannot directly or permanently control sleep.
Of course, you might not have gone to kickboxing in an effort to make sleep happen, but just having an expectation that because you felt so exhausted afterward sleep would happen in a certain way, you might have created a bit of pressure to make sleep happen in a certain way. That, in turn, might have made things more difficult.
(Bear in mind, too, that fatigue is not the same as sleepiness.)
How did you respond to that wakefulness when it showed up? Did you use it as an opportunity to build skill in experiencing wakefulness with less struggle (for example, by practicing the AWAKE exercise)?
Perhaps what’s most important here is the fact you went kickboxing — you did something important, something that keeps you moving toward the life you want to live, independently of sleep. How did that feel?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello again, Rick!
You mentioned that energy and vitality are your goals — and that’s totally understandable!
Does your experience tell you that you can directly and permanently create energy and vitality? If not, perhaps trying to create energy and vitality could be setting you up for some additional struggle, if your experience tells you that’s something you cannot control?
Perhaps what matters most (and might help make things a bit less difficult) is continuing to do things that matter even when your energy and vitality levels aren’t where you’d like them to be and making decisions that are aligned with your values even if the clarity you’d love to be present might seem to be missing?
If not, what’s the alternative to that approach?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
When we are less active we probably require less sleep — and the body wants to take care of all that kind of regulation by itself so it makes sense that on less active days you might not get sleepier until later.
No conscious involvement is required here — just as we don’t need to make sure we take a certain number of breaths each day (or exercise more in an attempt to make more breaths happen). And, trying to get overly involved here could set you up for some struggle!
What matters most is living the life you want to live, independently of sleep, since your actions are what you can control and your actions are what determine whether you move toward the life you want to live or away from the life you want to live.
So, to answer your question, feel free to exercise whenever you want if that’s important to you — but perhaps don’t use exercise as an effort to create a certain amount (or type) of sleep 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing, Czor! There’s no need to get out of bed just because you’re awake but it’s always an option that’s available to you if you feel that’s going to help you experience wakefulness with less struggle.
Remember that the goal is never to stop anxiety or to change what you’re thinking or feeling since that is something that cannot be directly or permanently controlled. That might happen as a bonus side-effect and if it does, by all means enjoy! However, the true goal is simply to practice and build skill in experiencing wakefulness with less struggle.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Czor — that can feel quite mysterious (and frustrating) can’t it? And yet, there’s no mystery to it!
The more we try to fight or avoid wakefulness (whether that’s happening now or in the past), the more the brain can learn to think of wakefulness as a threat that it needs to be more alert to protect us from at night.
This is why we might feel sleepy and tired during the day (a time when we’re not trying to make sleep happen and when we are less likely to be tangled up in a battle with sleep) and why it can feel as though that disappears when it’s time to go to bed (or when we get into bed).
So, ultimately, the key is to train the brain that wakefulness isn’t a threat — and that can be done by moving away from trying to make sleep happen, trying to get rid of wakefulness, and/or trying to fight or avoid the difficult thoughts and feelings that often come with insomnia. To respond to all this difficult stuff in a different, more workable way.
I also touched upon this in the Week 2 lesson “Revisiting the Sleep Window”. I’ve pasted the relevant section below and I hope you find it helpful:
I find it really hard to stay awake for the start of my sleep window and then I feel wide awake as soon as I get into bed
This can be really difficult but it’s not unusual. Before it’s time to go to bed, your brain isn’t trying to protect you from nighttime wakefulness — so you feel sleepy. When it’s time to go to bed your brain can activate that “fight or flight” response that can make you feel wide awake and often comes with a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings.
To help with staying awake before the start of your sleep window, any activity that involves some movement can be helpful.
And, as you continue to work through this course we’ll be exploring ways to respond to the loss of sleepiness and/or the appearance of anxiety and any other difficult thoughts and feelings that can show up when it’s time to go to bed.
In effect, you will be helping to train your brain that nighttime wakefulness isn’t a threat it needs to be alert to protect you from at night!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing, Czor! There aren’t usually any advantages to checking the time during the night and it can easily pull us into a struggle, just as you shared!
It’s good to hear that you are practicing the AWAKE exercise when you find difficult thoughts and feelings showing up during nighttime wakefulness. Remember your goal with that exercise isn’t to get rid of those thoughts and feelings — it’s to practice acknowledging them and making space for them to exist. To build skill in moving away from struggling with them 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
