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As you implied, it might not be too realistic to expect a transformation in your relationship with sleep and the difficult thoughts and feelings associated with insomnia in just a few weeks!
You are learning new skills, and that takes time.
If I gave you a set of bagpipes, would you be able to become a skilled bagpipe player in just a few weeks? Would the process of learning to play the bagpipes be easy, all of the time — or would it be a challenge (and generate lots of difficult thoughts and feelings)?
If you are using the AWAKE or NOW exercises in an attempt to shut your mind down, control your thoughts or feelings in any way, or make sleep happen, you are going to be left feeling frustrated — because, as you know from experience, you cannot directly or permanently control what your mind chooses to do and you cannot directly or permanently control sleep.
The goal of the AWAKE exercise is to help you build skill in experiencing wakefulness with less struggle. The goal of the NOW exercise (introduced in Week 3) is to help you refocus your attention on where you are and what you are doing whenever your mind tries to distract you or pull you away from the present moment.
I don’t think it matters too much whether you engage in the course during the day or in the evening — and the light from your phone isn’t going to cause any problems. If that caused insomnia, we’d probably see close to 100% of adults in the western world struggling with insomnia!
Is there anything helpful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds as though you might still be a bit tangled up, trying to make sleep happen — and that’s understandable! And yet, as you know from experience, the more you try to make sleep happen, the more attached you are to the elimination of wakefulness (all things you cannot control) the more struggle it creates.
A sleep window can be a helpful tool to help move us away from chasing after sleep, trying to make it happen by going to bed earlier and staying in bed later. It can also give the opportunity for sleep drive to reach higher levels before going to bed, meaning conditions for sleep are a bit better.
A sleep window won’t help with your response to wakefulness, though — and that’s something that probably influences things to a far greater degree.
What might things be like if you withdrew from the battle you’re describing? If you completely moved away from trying to control sleep, trying to avoid insomnia, trying to fight wakefulness, or trying to control your normal and natural thoughts and feelings?
You might also find my podcast with Maria helpful since she describes how allowing wakefulness to exist and allowing her mind to generate whatever thoughts it wanted soon stripped insomnia of the power it needed to survive.
I hope there’s something useful here, NikC14 — and it’s good to see that you’re still here, exploring this new approach that’s almost certainly completely different to what you may have tried in the past!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for the great questions!
If you were to average your sleep over the past week or two (the zero sleep nights with the good sleep nights), how much sleep would you say you average? You can then add about 30 minutes onto that to get the duration for an initial sleep window.
If you still have no idea or feel you probably average less than six hours of sleep, starting with a sleep window of six hours can be useful.
The goal of the sleep window is to help you move away from chasing after sleep. So, if you find that you are currently allotting a lot more time for sleep than you usually spend asleep — and that wakefulness is causing a lot of struggle — then any reduction in the amount of time you allot for sleep to more closely match the amount of sleep you are currently generating would probably be a step in the right direction.
It’s completely understandable why you’d feel scared about implementing a sleep window. That’s your brain looking out for you. Where has not implementing a sleep window got you? Has it eliminated all anxiety? Is it getting you closer to where you want to be? If not, perhaps a change of approach might be useful?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Chrissy and thanks for sharing. Since your brain’s job is to look out for you, it’s going to generate a lot of thoughts, feelings, and stories in connection to sleep, wakefulness, and the role of medication.
The truth is, sleep doesn’t require medication. When we have been awake for long enough, we will always sleep. ALWAYS.
It’s when we (understandably!) get tangled up in the natural process of sleep that it can all start to get a lot more difficult. That’s because sleep cannot be directly or permanently controlled — so the more we try, the more likely we are to get tangled up in a struggle that leaves us feeling stuck.
In addition, the more we engage in a battle with wakefulness the more we might be training our brain that wakefulness is a threat that it needs to be alert to protect us from. Of course, if the bed has become a bit of a battleground, the brain is going to fire up and try to suspend sleep to keep us safe. It’s really good at doing that (thank goodness, because if it wasn’t we’d have all been eaten by sabertooth tigers a long time ago).
And yet, in the end, sleep will still happen. Maybe not that night, or even the next but sleep drive always wins in the end.
Moving away from the battle, the effort, and the struggle can often make things a bit easier.
Have you discussed your desire to move away from sleep aids with your doctor? In my experience, it doesn’t usually matter too much how someone approaches this (whether they taper or go “cold turkey” — and that’s a discussion to have with your doctor). What matters is putting a plan in place and sticking to that plan as best as you can.
I hope there’s something useful here!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Sleep can still happen, even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings.
What can make sleep a lot more difficult is engaging in a battle with those thoughts and feelings — because then we are at war and how likely is sleep to happen if the bed is a battleground?
Another thing to consider is that the more we try to fight, avoid, or control our thoughts and feelings, the more likely they are to get stuck and the more likely they might be to create a struggle (it sounds as though you have experienced this for yourself).
When we are less resistant to them, when they are allowed to come and go as they choose, they are better able to flow — to come and go as they choose — and perhaps less likely to get stuck and perhaps less likely to create a struggle.
With all this in mind, do you think it might be worth moving away from trying to fight, avoid, or control what’s happening inside you — especially if your own experience tells you that doesn’t seem to be a workable response?
Of course, this stuff is difficult. Adding struggle on top of the difficult stuff doesn’t usually make it much easier, though, right?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
To help you explore this further, I invite you to answer the following questions:
1. What have you tried to do, in an attempt to turn hyperarousal down?
2. How did each of those attempts work out? Did they permanently lower hyperarousal or did hyperarousal return (or increase) after varying amounts of time?
3. Did your attempts to lower hyperarousal come with any costs in terms of the energy and attention they required?
4. Did any of your attempts to lower hyperarousal end up making it harder for you to do things that matter? Did they create more or less struggle?
5. Now, upon reflection, what does your own experience tell you about whether it’s possible to intervene and turn hyperarousal down? If your experience is telling you that hyperarousal cannot be directly or permanently controlled, perhaps all the ongoing attempts to do so might be creating a lot of ongoing struggle?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing! A couple of key insights really stood out for me here:
1. Making space for difficult thoughts and feelings to exist can often be a more workable approach compared to trying to fight or avoid them.
2. Committing to actions that help you live the kind of life you want to live, even when this difficult stuff is present, can often be more workable compared to using all your remaining energy and attention to go to war with all the stuff you can’t control.
All human beings experience difficult nights from time to time and difficult thoughts and feelings from time to time.
It’s how we respond that really matters since our response is something we can control and our response determines whether we get tangled up in an endless struggle that gives this difficult stuff even more power — or whether we continue to move toward the life we want to live, even when this difficult stuff shows up.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
I can’t speak for others (hopefully some will chime in with their thoughts/experience) but what I can say is that feeling you were awake and yet remembering that you dreamt, and feeling you were awake and having someone tell you that you were actually asleep is not unusual at all.
It can be really hard to know when we are awake or asleep, since the mind doesn’t completely switch off when we are asleep!
As a reminder, too, in Week 1 the course explained how people with insomnia often report getting less sleep than they are actually getting, while people without insomnia often report getting more sleep than they are actually getting.
Worry is a normal and natural human emotion and doesn’t stop sleep from happening. What can make sleep more difficult is getting tangled up in a struggle trying to control what cannot be controlled (such as trying to fight or avoid difficult thoughts and feelings, trying to make sleep happen, trying to get rid of wakefulness). That struggle can also be exhausting, consume our attention, and even influence our actions in a way that pulls us away from living the kind of life we want to live. That, in turn, makes all this difficult stuff even more difficult.
As a reminder, there’s no evidence that chronic insomnia causes any health problem — you might want to revisit this lesson from Week 1, and it might be worth asking yourself how helpful it is to continue reading those articles and reports, which can be very misleading!
I hope there’s something helpful here!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Great stuff — thanks for sharing!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It’s normal, natural (and OK) to feel upset! We probably don’t want to try fighting or avoiding normal and natural human feelings and emotions since that could end up creating a struggle that makes things more difficult.
Might it be more helpful to respond to wakefulness and difficult thoughts and feelings in a different way? A way that doesn’t create conflict and lead you into a battle with your mind? A way that helps you build skill in acknowledging all this stuff and allowing it to be present (especially if experience tells you this stuff can’t be directly or permanently controlled anyway)?
If you think that might be a more useful way of responding, do you think the AWAKE exercise could help with that?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Very few people find that they are experiencing no struggle after just five weeks — and nobody experiences a great night of sleep every single night for the rest of their lives, just as nobody ever lives their life without the presence of really difficult thoughts and feelings.
So, you are not alone and nothing unique or unusual is going on!
It’s great to hear that you are practicing acknowledging the presence of anxiety and other difficult thoughts and feelings — and it’s important to remember that your goal with that isn’t to get rid of them. For as long as that remains a goal, there will be struggle — because thoughts and feelings cannot be controlled.
Those thoughts will keep coming back. They will reoccur for as long as they choose.
The only thing you can control is how you respond. Do you fall back into the struggle, trying to fight or avoid them (something your own experience tells you does not work)? Or do you continue to practice acknowledging them, allowing them to exist, being kind to yourself, and doing things that matter — even when they’re present?
Thoughts don’t stop sleep from happening — it’s the battle with them that makes sleep so much more difficult. And yet, even if we are tangled up in a battle, sleep always happens in the end because sleep drive always wins in the end.
This stuff requires ongoing practice. If you think the approach you’ve been exploring over the past five weeks makes sense and might be useful, I’d encourage you to keep at it! New skills take time to develop 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Sorry to hear about the chronic pain — that can definitely make sleep (and much more besides!) more difficult. Have you had the time to explore and pick up any helpful tips or insights from the insomnia success stories here in the forum or on the Insomnia Coach podcast yet?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sure sounds as though you are taking a more workable approach. Removing ourselves from the process of sleep is how it becomes effortless. Thank you for sharing your insights and experience with us!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Nothing unique or unusual here!
If you think back to five years ago, is there a difference in your approach to sleep today? If so, what are the differences — and are there any insights there?
As you implied, difficult nights from time are natural and normal. Just as experiencing human thoughts and feelings is natural and normal.
What can make things more difficult is trying to control sleep and trying to control our thoughts and feelings. When we end up down that rabbit hole, we can end up getting tangled up in a struggle since none of that stuff can be directly or permanently controlled.
Is there anything useful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Great job getting out of bed at the same time every day!
It makes complete sense that you don’t like feeling this way — I don’t think anybody would like to feel that way! It’s hard.
From your own experience, can you directly and permanently control how you feel? Can you permanently delete certain thoughts and feelings? Can you make yourself feel a certain way, 100% of the time? If not, perhaps trying to fight or avoid certain thoughts and feelings might make things even more difficult?
When you wake during your sleep window, how do you usually respond? Are you getting tangled up in an exhausting struggle, trying to get rid of the wakefulness, trying to make sleep happen — or are you practicing experiencing the wakefulness (and any thoughts and feelings that might be showing up with it) with less struggle?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
