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Thanks for sharing!
As you might have gathered, there’s nothing we can do to make ourselves wake at a certain time (or not wake before a certain time). The more we try to control sleep in that way, the more we might set ourselves up for a struggle.
If you wish to explore this further, here are some questions:
What kind of things does your mind tell you when you wake at 4:00 AM instead of 4:30 AM? In other words, what kind of problem does your mind say this is (or could be) causing you?
If you woke at 4:30 AM instead of 4:00 AM, what would you be doing differently with your life? What would you be doing then, that you are unable to do now?
When you wake around 4:00 AM, are you checking the time? If so, it might be worth experimenting with not checking the time when you wake.
When you wake before the end of your sleep window, why do you feel you aren’t falling back to sleep? How are you currently responding to that wakefulness?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
We can’t delete frustration from the brain, unfortunately — it comes from your brain doing its job and looking out for you. It sees a problem (or potential problem) and generates thoughts and feelings to spur you into action. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings are useful, sometimes they aren’t!
Since we can’t control them, it can be helpful to shift focus toward how we respond to them — since we can always control our actions.
So, with this in mind, perhaps it might be useful to acknowledge and allow difficult thoughts and feelings such as frustration, irritability, and resentment to come and go as they choose, to be kind to yourself in return, and then to bring your attention back on where you are and what’s around you (even in the presence of those thoughts and feelings). Doing things that matter to you, even when this difficult stuff shows up.
As you know from experience, you can’t permanently delete this difficult stuff from your mind — it always comes back, right? So, a more workable response might be to give it space and to continue doing things that help keep you moving toward the kind of life you want to live. At least that way, the difficult stuff might be serving some kind of purpose — and you aren’t adding struggle on top of it all.
We’ll be exploring this in more detail as the course progresses. I hope there’s something useful here in the meantime!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing that insight, David — when there’s no effort to generate sleep, it seems to be more likely to show up!
Of course your mind will drift away when practicing the AWAKE exercise and come up with different thoughts and stories. It’s doing its job and trying to look out for you!
When that happens, you have a choice — acknowledge and allow (the new way, a skill that requires practice), or try to fight and avoid (the old way, that you know from experience gets you tangled up in a struggle).
In terms of your side question, any time we engage in an action with the goal to control what cannot be controlled (such as trying to fight or avoid certain thoughts and feelings, trying to avoid wakefulness, trying to make sleep happen) we set ourselves up for a struggle.
If your goal is to move away from “trying” to sleep, perhaps ongoing detective work in connection to sleep times and naps might be creating a bit of an obstacle? Perhaps that energy and attention might be better spent engaging in daily activities that keep you moving toward the kind of life you want to live?
Please let me know if there’s anything useful here, David!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
What’s your goal when you get out of bed when you can’t sleep? If that “worked”, what would be happening?
It sounds as though your goals might be related to things you can’t control — at least when it comes to your sleep window (since you mentioned that if it worked you would have deeper nights of sleep and feel more confident about sleep).
Sleep, thoughts, and feelings are not in our control. The more we try to control them, the more we set ourselves up for struggle — and that’s why the focus of this course is exploring ways of responding to the difficult stuff that we cannot control in a more workable way. A way that helps us practice moving away from struggle so we might be better able to live the kind of life we want to live.
This new approach isn’t easy, though — and the mind will usually want to keep on suggesting goals that we can’t control and pull us back into behaviors that we know from experience aren’t useful or workable (probably because they’re more familiar). What’s helpful is to notice when this is happening and to continue to practice responding in a different way.
No surprise you’re finding this difficult — because it is! These are new skills and they require ongoing practice!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thank you so much for sharing! I admire your tenacity and your willingness to continue exploring (and practicing) an approach that might help you deal with all this difficult stuff in a more workable way!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello David and thanks for sharing your experience and for the great questions.
In terms of the sleep window, I don’t know that adjusting it will make a huge difference since you mentioned that going to bed before it begins doesn’t make things any easier.
It sounds as though, perhaps, the struggle might come from your attempts to avoid wakefulness, create sleep, and perhaps to fight or avoid all the difficult thoughts and feelings that can show up at night. What do you think?
Do you have any idea why you might be finding it so hard to stay awake before it’s time to go to bed and then when you go to bed you find yourself wide awake?
When you practice the AWAKE exercise, what’s your goal? Since I don’t really describe or recommend “stimulus control” in this course, what does your implementation of that look like and what’s your goal with it?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your mother-in-law and your house getting destroyed in the hurricane. That would be difficult for anyone to deal with and would generate a lot of very legitimate and difficult thoughts and feelings.
In terms of whether the course will still “work”, that likely depends on your goals. If your goals are to try to control what cannot be controlled, you might be setting yourself up for ongoing struggle (something my course aims to help you move away from).
Week 2 of the course opens one week after you enroll — so you should now have access. If you don’t please let me know.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
That’s an interesting question — I don’t think there’s a magic switch we can flick to make ourselves immediately accept all this difficult stuff!
Acceptance is about accepting that there’s difficult stuff that shows up that we just cannot control — so why engage in a struggle with it?
This is usually a new approach and so it requires ongoing practice. So, perhaps instead of saying we can “do” acceptance, a more appropriate way of wording this might be to say we can “practice” acceptance.
Since I don’t really cover stimulus control in the traditional sense in this course, I’m curious to hear more about how you are implementing that, and what it means to you.
In terms of whether your approach toward sleep restriction and stimulus control is workable, that depends on your goal. If sleep restriction and stimulus control “worked”, what would be different?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
That’s not unusual at all — and I would probably be more surprised if you didn’t experience any sleep disruption when a big life event approaches! You are a human being after all!
Remember, too, that sleep restriction isn’t intended to make sleep happen because sleep cannot be controlled. The goal is to help you move away from chasing after sleep by going to bed earlier, staying in bed later, and trying to nap during the day — all actions that can make sleep more difficult.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
I wonder if trying to control what you think and feel might actually require more energy compared to giving your thoughts and feelings permission to come and go as they please?
Everything here is an experiment! Thanks for sharing your willingness to explore a different approach!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
I think that any time we are engaged in an effort to control our thoughts and feelings, we might be setting ourselves up for a struggle — unless you have found from experience that doing things like breathing exercises permanently eliminates difficult thoughts and feelings?
Perhaps it might be more useful to use the energy and attention that might be used in an attempt to control your mind to do things that are aligned with your values and that keep you moving toward the kind of life you want to live instead — even when difficult thoughts and feelings are present? Do you think that might be a more workable approach?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It’s totally understandable that feeling as though you aren’t making much progress would make you feel sad, Milko.
Unfortunately, we cannot control progress — just as we can’t control sleep, and just as we can’t control what goes on inside our minds. For as long as we try, we’re likely to find ourselves tangled up in a struggle and it’ll be harder to make progress.
What we can control are our actions. We can always practice. We can always implement.
So, what we can do is continue to practice a more workable way of responding to this difficult stuff — we can practice moving away from trying to control what cannot be controlled, we can practice moving away from trying to make sleep happen, we can practice moving away from trying to fight or avoid the thoughts and feelings that can come with nighttime wakefulness, and we can practice doing things that are important to us (while being kind to ourselves) even in the presence of all this difficult stuff.
Perhaps the only thing “missing” here is full acceptance that sleep (and all the thoughts and feelings that often come with insomnia) cannot be controlled, Milko? For as long as you might try to eliminate nights without sleep, you might find yourself struggling with them.
We’ll continue to explore this further, as the course progresses.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Since you have enrolled in the course, I’ve moved your post from the public forum to the client forum.
As you will discover as you continue to work through the course, the focus here isn’t on CBT-I since, in my experience, that can sometimes lead to more effort to make sleep happen and we can end up getting tangled up in our thoughts and feelings, trying to challenge them, evaluate them, and change them. All of this can make things more difficult.
What we’re looking to do here is to move away from the struggle — because that’s really what insomnia is.
Struggle.
We (completely understandably!) struggle with wakefulness as we try to get rid of it when it shows up and make sleep happen and we can struggle with all the thoughts and feelings that can come with insomnia, trying to fight or avoid them.
All our focus and attention can end up on efforts, rituals, and ongoing detective work to make sleep happen and this can make it harder for us to live the kind of life we want to live.
Since we can’t control sleep or what goes on in our minds, all our efforts and struggle can make things more difficult by consuming our energy and distracting us from doing things that matter to us.
So, the goal with this course is to explore ways of moving away from all the effort and all the struggle. To respond to all this difficult stuff in a more workable way so it perhaps becomes less of an influence and plays less of a role in our lives.
As a bonus, the less engaged we are in a battle with sleep (and perhaps our minds, too!) the better conditions for sleep become.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Yes — definitely not alone! 🙂
Do you think it might be useful to practice becoming more aware of the good stuff that might get missed when conflict and difficult thoughts and feelings show up? If so, how might you do that?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Wonderful — thanks for sharing! Do you have an action plan in place yet for changing your approach so you can achieve your goal of nipping this in the bud?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
