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Welcome to the forum. What you are going through sounds really difficult.
It sounds as though your experience is telling you that you cannot directly or permanently control your sleep — and that continuing to try to control sleep pulls you away from living the life you want to live.
If that is the case, perhaps a different approach might be helpful? An approach that doesn’t involve trying to control what your experience suggests cannot be controlled? Perhaps that might help make things a bit less difficult?
One starting point might be reading this page on ACT for insomnia. Hopefully there’s something helpful there and please feel free to post any follow-up questions here.
I wish you all the best. You are not alone.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You’re right — it is not easy! You might not always enjoy being with your son as much when things feel difficult, but you can still be there for him and act toward him in ways that are important to you. And that’s what matters.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
I don’t typically suggest making adjustments like that. I normally suggest taking the trip and then going by whatever the local time is where you are.
To help reduce the impact of jet lag, you might do the following: If you land during the night, give yourself the opportunity to sleep until your normal out of bed time. If you land during the day, see if you can stay awake until your normal bed time.
I hope this helps!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Noel and thanks for the great question!
I suspect this is a language thing! Basically, struggle is caused when we try to fight or avoid things we cannot control. And, that is made even worse when our attempts to fight or avoid pull us away from the life we want to live.
As an example, if you try to make it rain or try to stop the sun from rising what’s going to happen? You aren’t going to be successful no matter what you do, right? It will rain for as long as it chooses to rain and the sun will always rise no matter what.
For as long as you try to stop it raining or try to stop the sun from rising you are exerting a lot of effort and giving those things a lot of your attention. While you are working hard, trying to do those things, there’s not much time or energy or attention available for other things — other things that matter to you, that help you be the person you want to be and live the kind of life you want to live.
So, you’re not trying to control your mind here. You’re not trying to fight or avoid what you are thinking or feeling. Instead, you are practicing allowing that stuff to exist with less struggle. And, with less struggle, you might be better able to do things that matter. As you do more of what matters, all those thoughts and feelings will have less power and influence over your life.
To use your example of feeling tired. When that happens you might acknowledge that tiredness. You might give it permission to exist. You might also be kind to yourself if it feels really difficult. And then you might refocus your attention on where you are and what you are doing so that — even if you feel tired — you continue to do things that matter (practicing the NOW exercise can help with this).
So, you are still paying some degree of attention to the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing (because you are acknowledging them) — but the difference is now you aren’t being controlled by them. And when you don’t try to fight or avoid them they might start to consume less of your attention and have less power and influence over your life.
Does this help?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing! It’s good to hear you have a plan in place — and that, as you continue to move forward, you’ve realized that medication isn’t a guarantee of great sleep and that you are capable of generating sleep without medication!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Noel!
It makes sense that you feel as though anytime there’s a race or competition between your arousal system (your thoughts and feelings) and your conscious mind (attempts to fight or avoid thoughts and feelings) your arousal system will win — because, as your experience tells you, it’s impossible to directly or permanently control your thoughts and feelings.
As you described, trying to fight or avoid certain thoughts or feelings can make them even more difficult and even more intense — and so we might then try even harder to fight them and before we know it we are trapped in a vicious cycle.
It’s good to hear that you are recognizing that the AWAKE exercise is an available tool to practice to help you build skill in moving away from struggling with wakefulness and the difficult thoughts and feelings that can come with it.
It doesn’t matter when you practice the AWAKE exercise (as soon as you notice the struggle or later when you find yourself wide awake and really struggling). What’s most important is getting in some practice!
Waking during the night is a normal part of sleep and difficult thoughts and feelings are a normal part of being a human being! It’s when we start trying to control this stuff that we can get pulled into a distracting and exhausting struggle that can make all that stuff even more difficult. When you feel wide awake, why do you get out of bed to read? What’s your intent there?
Remember that the sleep window isn’t intended to make a certain amount or type of sleep happen (because sleep cannot be controlled). It’s simply a tool that can help move you away from chasing after sleep. When it comes to sleep, the more we try to make it happen the more likely we are to struggle with it.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing, Lucas!
Remember that the sleep window is not intended to make a certain amount or type of sleep happen — it’s just a tool that can help us move away from chasing after sleep, trying to make it happen.
When we put less effort into sleep and put less pressure on ourselves to sleep, we create better conditions for sleep to happen— but that’s still no guarantee that better sleep will happen because sleep cannot be controlled!
Remember, too, that there’s no need to fight worry (or any other thoughts or feelings). Thoughts and feelings don’t prevent sleep from happening — but going to war with them can make things more difficult since it’s probably less likely that we’ll fall asleep if we’re engaged in a battle with our minds!
Often, acknowledging and making space for our thoughts and feelings can move us away from the battle — and it sounds as though, for you, that might involve “calling them out” (there’s no need to follow through with “pushing back”).
It’s great to hear that your days no longer revolve around sleep concerns — the more you are able to do things that matter, independently of sleep, the less power and influence sleep (and nighttime wakefulness) might hold over you!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds as though taking sleeping tablets isn’t something you want to be doing — so perhaps it might be helpful to explore that a bit further.
Does your experience tell you that your sleep can be directly and permanently controlled by using sleeping tablets? If so, why does it feel as though taking them is a problem? If not, why continue to reach for them?
How does taking sleeping tablets help you better live the life you want to live and be the person you want to be? When you don’t take sleeping tablets, what are you then unable to do the next day that you can always do when you do take a sleeping tablet?
Since you don’t have any real plan in place right now, that might also be something worth exploring. It can be hard to act effectively without a plan in place!
In terms of a suggested action plan at this point, these are the suggestions right up to the end of Week 3:
1. Observe a sleep window with an earliest possible bedtime and a consistent final out of bed time, based on your sleep at the current time.
2. Avoid checking the time from the start of your sleep window to the end of your sleep window.
3. When your sleep window begins, go to bed only when you feel sleepy enough for sleep.
4. Use your time in the evening for activities you find relaxing, enjoyable, and/or meaningful.
5. If you are currently tracking or logging your sleep, consider not tracking or logging your sleep.
6. Every evening, before going to bed, fill out the “three good things” journal — write down three good things that happened that day and why they happened (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) and write them down.
7. Any time your problem solving brain generates difficult thoughts or feelings, acknowledge those thoughts or feelings, thank your brain for looking out for you (“thanks brain!”) and carry on.
8. Practice the AWAKE exercise whenever you find yourself struggling with nighttime wakefulness.
9. Practice the NOW exercise whenever you find your daytime thoughts and feelings pulling you away from the present moment in an unhelpful way.
10. Commit to doing one or two kind or enjoyable things whenever you are finding things difficult during the day.Which of those (if any) are you currently implementing? Do you feel that practicing any of them might be helpful?
Is a strategy of trying to make sleep happen proving to be workable? If your current approach doesn’t seem to be getting you any closer to where you want to be, do you think a different approach might be helpful?
We are all here for you — you are not alone.
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sounds as though you are doing well, Nadine — even if you feel that your practice might not always be perfect (you are a human rather than a machine, after all) you are still practicing!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thanks for sharing some powerful insights there, @GenieB!
Nadine: I have a feeling that if you asked 100 people what they consider a good night of sleep to be, you’d get 100 different answers!
As GenieB implied, we cannot control sleep — there’s just no way to make a good night of sleep happen. Similarly, we cannot guarantee a good day — but we can control our actions and ensure that we do things that matter each day.
We can do things (no matter how small) that reflect who we are, the person we want to be, and the life we want to live — even after difficult nights and even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings.
And, if we can shift the focus of our attention toward doing things that matter, independently of sleep, then sleep (and wakefulness and the difficult thoughts and feelings that often come with it) might start to lose their power and influence.
As for whether or not the sleep window is working — if it’s helping you move away from chasing after sleep (for example by not going to bed earlier or staying in bed later in an effort to make sleep happen), then it’s working!
The sleep window cannot make more sleep happen because sleep cannot be controlled — it is just one tool that can help us move away from the struggle that’s caused by our attempts to make sleep happen through effort!
We’ll be exploring all this stuff in a lot more detail as the course progresses 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Hello Jim and welcome! Does your experience tell you that you can make good sleep happen through effort? If not, perhaps having a goal that you can directly control might be more helpful! To help with that you might ask yourself this: If at least 26 of 30 nights in a month were good sleep, what would you then be able to do that you are unable to do now?
I hope this gives you something to consider as you start to work through the course! We’re all here for you and you are not alone 🙂
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Welcome aboard and thanks for introducing yourself and sharing some of the key insights you’ve picked up on your journey so far!
It is perfectly fine to think of sleep as a way to take care of yourself! And, at the same time, sleep is something you know from experience that you cannot directly or permanently control.
So, perhaps it might be helpful to consider some additional ways you can take care of yourself that are based on actions that you can control. Actions you can control and engage in, regardless of how you sleep and even in the presence of difficult thoughts and feelings.
If you are taking care of yourself in a number of other ways, perhaps you might end up putting less pressure on yourself to make sleep happen? Perhaps sleep might become more of a “bonus” rather than something that must happen in order for you to act in a way that’s aligned with your values.
It’s perfectly OK to go to bed earlier or to spend more time in bed if that helps you be the person you want to be and live the kind of life you want to live. Those kind of actions only become problematic if they are pursued in an attempt to make sleep happen (since sleep cannot be directly controlled) and if they move you away from the life you want to live because they are being pursued instead of doing other things that matter to you.
Is there anything helpful here?
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
Thank you so much for sharing these insights — great stuff there!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
You have six months of access to the course materials (and client forums) starting from the day you enrolled. So, you have plenty of time to work through the content at your own pace!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
It sure sounds as though you are exploring a more workable way of responding to all this difficult stuff — I wish you all the best!
—If you are ready to stop struggling with insomnia you can enroll in the online insomnia coaching course right now! If you would prefer ongoing phone or video coaching calls as part of a powerful three month program that will help you reclaim your life from insomnia, consider applying for the Insomnia Mastery program.
The content of this post is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, disorder, or medical condition. It should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or any other licensed healthcare provider. Insomnia Coach LLC offers coaching services only and does not provide therapy, counseling, medical advice, or medical treatment. All content is provided “as is” and without warranties, either express or implied.
